Unlike the day after Christmas, not much is ever made of the day after Valentine’s Day as to whether gifts are returned —- and relationships are suddenly in jeopardy.
What is the Valentine’s Day equivalent to a lump of coal in the Christmas stocking?
Well, maybe this list might provide some answers.
Valentine’s Day worst presents:
1. A gift certificate to Victor’s Secret.
2. Barney Frank Bubble Bath.
3. Front row seats at a re-enactment of the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre.
4. Sexy lingerie from Frederick’s of Pomona.
5. Dinner for two at Chez Kucinich.
6. A 12-pound box of Rush Limbaugh’s chocolate-covered oxycontin.
7. A year’s supply of John Boehner tanning creme.
8. Picking out necklaces with Lindsay Lohan.
9. A collector’s item: Remainder of pieces of things Charlie Sheen destroyed in a motel room.
10. Rosie O’Donnell’s line of cosmetics — including the popular favorite “Lipstick on a Pit Bull.”
Of course romance is not only reserved for Valentine’s Day —- especially when it comes to Hollywood.
There are always romantic comedies —- or as anyone who is hip knows to call them nowadays, rom-coms. The liberal elites want everyone to start using the term rom-coms instead of chick flicks, which is derogatory.
Two superstar actresses have a lock on the chick flick. But there’s more to these two fine ladies than meets the eye candy.
Sandra Bullock is America’s New Sweetheart. Which used to be Julia Roberts’ title. Bullock took it over sometime last year when she had all those infidelity problems with her hubby, the Illustrated Man.
The two have something else in common: Apparently Bullock always gets the next crack at a script Roberts turns down. This worked in her favor last year when she took the role in “The Blind Side” and won a best actress Oscar.
By the way, Jennifer Aniston is on that “I’ll take that movie if no one else wants it” list. Just a little further down, somewhere between Kirstie Alley and Joan Rivers.
Maybe the two superstars can make a movie together. The title can be a combination of two of their hit movies from a decade ago. Coming this summer: Roberts and Bullock in “While You Were Sleeping with the Enemy.”
Other rom-com pitches:
1. The latest tween heart-throb stars in his next movie as a wannabe singer who is somehow transported back in time to the Disco era and Studio 54. That’s right, coming this fall it’s “Saturday Night Bieber.”
2. “Runaway Bride of Frankenstein.”
3. “My Best Friend’s Big Fat Greek Wedding.”
4. A real challenge: To make Donald Trump and Sarah Palin rom-com stars. But in different movies. The ego between the two is annoying enough — maybe the music score would have to be composed by Bono.
In any event, Trump, who is an incurable romantic as we all have heard, will be featured in the title role of “Scumbag Billionaire.”
Palin’s task may be a little more difficult because the title would suggest serious bidness. But nothing could ever be further from the truth with this narcissistic nitwit. See her in “There Will Be Blood Libel.”
5. Sidebar: Two Oscar nominated films have more in common than if they didn’t with their plots. “The Kids Are Alright” and “Inception.” Consider the plot of the former and just the tile of the latter.