They’re never really gone

        Ronald Reagan was our greatest president.


If you believe a Gallup Poll released on President’s Day, 19% polled said the Gipper was numero uno.

Abraham Lincoln placed second.


Poor Abe, done in by an actor again.

Who really conducted this poll, Fox News?

Reagan was our greatest president.

Only in the movies.

Seriously, how great could Reagan have been? His image isn’t even associated with sales on mattresses every President’s Day.

Maybe they can use his image when trading arms for hostages.

“C’mon down to Makmoud’s arms dealership for our annual great swap meet. Give us a gun and we’ll give you a dissident. You can’t beat our prices because —– like all of us —- they’re insane!”

If it didn’t come to you as a shocker that Reagan placed first, maybe this’ll grab your attention: Bill Clinton came in at three. (“Three’s my favorite number, darlin.’ “)

Reagan and Clinton.

Bonzo and Bubba.

The Gpper and The Zipper.

OK, so Americans have short attention spans and can’t remeember anything that happened in history before the Shuttle explosion.

This being the year of Reagan’s 100th birthday probably had a lot to do with how some people voted.

But no president in the last 50 years should be considered our greatest.

Maybe it’s time that lesser known presidents be considered for the top spot.

Next President’s Day, let’s really work our darndest to make Millard Fillmore number one.

That probably wouldn’t work, because then there would be a poll saying something like 15% of Americans polled didn’t realize America had a female president named Mildred Fillmore.

Public relations is the new history written for the masses. Written by savvy speechwriters who can connect with simple minds by using bumper sticker catch phrases that are easily remembered. Mostly because they’re sing-songing like TV jingles.

Phrases that worked were Reagan’s “America is that shining city on a hill.” Creates an image of Jesus being up there with the Constitution in his hand and reading it to children and senior citizens who are mostly all white. Jesus is played by Chuck Norris.

Another Reagan winner was “Morning in America.” Real Hollywood Hallmark card stuff. “Well, it’s morning in America. Nancy and me just said our morning prayers and had our cup of coffee and now it’s on to do the business of America.”

Even Dick Nixon had a winning campaign slogan. “The New Nixon” worked back in the day in 1968.

That slogan was the perfect example of how a presidential candidate is packaged like laundry detergent that apparently had to be improved even though moms had been buying it for years and didn’t realize it needed improvement.

“The New Nixon” also worked because it sounded like it was an ad for a new car (There used to be this joke about Nixon that asked “Would you buys a used car from this man?”)

As it turned out, “The New Nixon” wasn’t a new car, but a tank that ran over everybody in its wake, taking no prisoners.

Sen. Ed Muskie of Maine was the Democrat who was running against Nixon in 1972 until Tricky Dicky’s Dirty Tricksters set him up and made him weep in public because someone suggested his wife was a ho.

Muskie looked weak —- but he was ahead of his time. Hell, he could be Speaker of the House today.

This could have been a possible ad against Nixon:

“Sure, Muskie is a name of a fish. What should concern every American more is that something fishy is going on in the White House under Moby Dick.”

Political moments that could have had different results than they did:

1. “Sarah Palin is qualified to step in and fulfill the office of president.”

2. “Really, Gov. Dukakis, you riding in a tank will be one of the most memorable moments of this or any presidential campaign.”

3. “Want to borrow my razor before the debate with Kennedy, Mr. Nixon?”

4. “There’s no hurry, Mr. President. The country is under attack, but go ahead and finish ‘My Pet Goat’ with the kiddies.”

5. “Sure, invite the media. Vice President Quayle loves going to classrooms. You can’t keep him away from chalkboards and spelling contests.”


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