Monkeying around

       Arnold. You big ape you.
  Let’s see a “Saturday Night Live” skit with someone playing the former gov. singing the Supremes hit “Love Child.”
  Arnold admitted Wednesday to fathering a child 10 years ago with a former household staffer.
  And nobody knew about this. Especially his wife Maria Shriver. The two called it quits after 25 years of marriage last week. But they waited a week to drop this bombshell.
  Maybe the estranged couple is going to keep making scandalous news like this until anyone outside of the media gives a damn.
  One could just imagine people outside of the state just shrugging it off saying, “Forget it, it’s Hollywood.”
  And no one knew about this for nine years. They didn’t notice a gapped-tooth kid who speaks broken English?
  Wait, that could be anybody in California.
  What? Arnold marries into the Kennedy clan so he thinks fooling around on the wife is a perk?
  Sorry, Maria, this one’s on you. This is what you get for marrying outside of your species.
  Not much is known about the other woman. Some say her name is “Sar-ahh Cah-tur.”
  OK, probably not.
  Not much was known about the kid, until TMZ discovered it’s a male, lives in the San Diego Zoo and is named Cheetah.
  OK, that’s not true either. And neither is this: Arnold is going to be a guest star on “The Jersey Shore” as a fun-lovin’ boozer so Snooki can finally hook up with a real-life Gorilla Juicehead.
  The scandal is probably not going to hurt Arnold’s foray back into the movie bidness. In fact, his monkey bidness will probably help him land more roles. Here are some in development now for the love gov.:
 

1. “The Apes of Wrath”: Concerning a circus that travels through the Heartland during the Great Depression entertaining people who have fallen on hard times. Not to be confused with a similar movie out now starring cute Reese Witherspoon. This one has Arnold as the Human Ape who is treated much like Quasimodo, until he rings the bell of the circus owner’s wife. He’s hunted down like an animal and the hunt comes to a head on top of the Empire State Building. If you think you know how this will end, you don’t. Hey, not a bad tagline for the movie.

2. “Gorilla My Dreams”: A romantic comedy written and directed by Nora Ephron, co-starring Meg Ryan as a Jane Goodall-type anthropologist who falls in love with you-know-who and marries out of her species only later to become first lady of a state on the Left Coast. Wait a minute….

3. “Gorillas in his Mitts”: A high-jinx comedy about a minor league baseball team comprised of chimpanzees, with Arnold as their long-suffering but affable coach.

4. “The Monkey’s Uncle”: Something different from Arnold and Disney, which green-lighted the production using only the title of one of its nostalgic dim-witted comedies from the 1960s. This time it’s straight drama, as Arnold goes for Oscar gold playing a soldier of fortune in the 1950s who discovers that his father’s brother is a Nazi and he’s assigned the task to take him out.

5. “Planet of the Apes”: Yes, the third remake of the classic sci-fi flick. Only this time we find that Arnold can be president, even though he wasn’t born in what’s left of the United States.

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