The Republican Presidential debate in New Hampshire on Monday wasn’t a debate at all. Well, it could be debated which candidate mentioned the word “Obamacare” the most.
Newt Gingrich was as bland as his pasty white self.
Mitt Romney was as slick as a BP oil spill in the Gulf.
If it wasn’t for the female Tasmanian devil, Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, the night would’ve been a total wash.
OK, it was cheesy of her to officially announce she was a candidate for president (hello, you’re at a presidential debate!) before a national TV audience, thus upstaging the dudes. But it beats her having to officially announce her candidacy on Facebook. Or Fox News.
Bachmann’s spunkiness is contagious — so much so that she would be perfectly cast as Dorothy Gale in a remake of “The Wizard of Oz” —- now titled “The Wizard of Conservative Cause.” Some of her opponents for the GOP nod —- as well as “guest stars” —- would also be part of the remake’s cast.
The plot: Dorothy wants to get back home, not to Kansas, but to her birthplace of Waterloo, Iowa, just in time to win the Iowa cauceses.
Of course before her dream sequence begins, she gets to sing the signature song from the movie. Here’s part of “Over the Heartland”:
“Somewhere over the Heartland
on a hill.
There’s a shining city
where Ronald Reagan is still.
Somewhere over the Heartland
win it shall I.
If a socialist can be president
why then oh why can’t I?”
Dorothy’s first friend she makes on the Red, White and Blue Brick Road is the Scarecrow (Tim Pawlenty) who doesn’t need a brain, but rather a personality.
He, too gets a song:
“I guess it’s a re-al-a-tee
I’m void of a personality.
I can’t electrify a crowd.
I know I can a contender
and not another pretender
and make my mommy proud.”
Dorothy and the Scarecrow then meet up with the Tin Man (Mitt Romney), who at first wants a heart so he can help everybody get health care, and then changes his position and doesn’t want a heart to help anybody get health care. Dorothy tells him the Wizard will set him ‘right.’
The Tin Man also gets to perform a tune:
“I was against it before I was for it
and everybody knows it
so I’m prone to say the least.
I just can’t seem to stop
being the guy who flip-flops
that’s the nature of this beast.”
The last pal the trio meets is the unlikely adventurer The Cowardly Lion (Newt Gingrich) who agrees to see the Wizard to help him get the courage to drop out of the presidential race to save face.
Here’s his song:
“I guess there’s no denyin’
I was better in the ’90s at lyin’
they say my time has passed.
Everyone thinks I should go
I stayed too long at the show
and my third wife won’t be my last.”
The fearsome foursome meet with bumps along the Red, White and Blue Brick Road. Especially Dorothy, who has become an enemy of the Wicked Witch of the West Coast (Nancy Pelosi), who wants revenge against Dorothy for taking away her majority in the House of Representatives (and in the process getting control of the Speaker’s gavel she must have back to continue her evil rule.)
Once our heroine and heroes reach that Shining City on a Hill and get to see the Wizard of Conservative Cause, he gives them a difficult task in order to grant their wishes: They must steal the real birth certificate of the Socialist Muslim —- and not that phony one he produced that was created by Steven Spielberg and all that CGI.
After they accomplish the arduous task, the Wizard still refuses to grant their wishes. It’s then when Dorothy sees the Wizard throwing a hissy fit in a soundproof room. To which the Wizard immediately replies: “Pay no attention to that man behind the microphone in the radio booth!”
To which Dorothy says with glee: “Rush Limbaugh, is that you?”
Trapped like a rat, Wizard Rush grants the four their wishes —- as long as they all swear their allegiance to him and his political agenda.
To which Dorothy replies: “Is that all? That’s so simple. Why didn’t you just tell us that in the first place?”
Suddenly the Good Witch of the East, Delaware to be exact (Christine O’Donnell) pops in and says: “Because you had to find that out for yourself.”