Cover girl

      The latest Newsweek magazine should be delivered to homes and sold on newsstands wrapped in a brown paper bag.
    And it should come with a warning: Not to be viewed by young children or the faint of heart.
    The cover shows GOP presidential hopeful Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann.
    Nothing odd about that, except for that look in her eyes. If a picture says a thousand words, none of them would be flattering.
    Bachmann’s supporters are outraged at the Newsweek cover. They say it makes her look crazy.
    There’s no airbrushing in crazy.
    Bachmann looks crazy in the photo because she is crazy.
    Maybe she’s just what the country needs. A spunky little white tornado who will admit that “Yes, it’s true I have an ‘I rip the heads off live chickens with my teeth’ look in my eyes.”
    The cover story is called “Queen of Rage” and although Bachmann is handling the photo-missed-op and the title of the article with a grain of salt, the National Organization for Woman has called it sexist. Of course everything is sexist with NOW. They drop that word more than Rudy Guiliani says “9-11.”
    If it’s sexist, the title of the article anyway, then don’t blame us male chauvinist oinkers for this one. Not NOW.  The editor-in-chief of Newsweek who gave the “print it” command is a woman, Tina Brown.
    You’re doin’ a heck of a job, Brownie.
    MSNBC’s Andrea Mitchell, a relic from the feminist movement of the 1970s, echoed NOW’s charge. Mitchell said magazines never treat men who run for president this way. You may want to Google past issues and then type in the name Richard Nixon.
    Five things that could happen if you look in the eyes of Michele Bachmann on the cover of Newsweek for too long:
    1. You’ll turn into a pillar of salt.
    2. You’ll finally realize, “Oh, look, the little girl from ‘The Exorcist’ is all grown up.”
    3. Staring too long at Bachmann’s eyes on the cover is dumb practice for when you work up enough stupidity to have that staring contest with your pet pit bull.
    4. You’ll want to pray away the gay —- and you’re not gay.
    5. If you haven’t been already, the photo will hypnotize you into keeping your TV on Fox News and religiously recite every talking point verbatim while standing in front of a full-length mirror wearing only a propellor cap and a clown nose.