Brain-eating amoebas

          “My brain. It’s my second favorite organ.”
                     Woody Allen in “Sleeper”

     Brain-eating amoebas.
   Sounds like a bad name for a punk rock group.
   But no, it’s a deadly parasite that has killed a few people so far, mainly in the South.
   These little buggers lurk in lakes and ponds, and if you’re unfortunate they’ll swim up your nose and eat away at your brain cells.
   And there is no cure once that happens.
   Sounds like a plot to a sci-fi flick. We need the late Charlton Heston screaming “Damn you all to hell! Get you’re dirty stinking hands off me, you damn evolutionists!”
   The brain-eating amoebas are a product of evolution. Or as Republicans who shrug off the theory call it: Evil-ution.
   Give ’em creationism every time. Texas Gov. Rick “I feel the need to secede” Perry told a little kid on the campaign trail the other day that evolution is a theory but it has a lot of “gaps” in it.
   You know, like Perry’s job creation record in the Lone Star State.
   Speaking of brain-eating amoebas, ardent supporters of the Cowboy candidate can be called Perry-sites.
   Meanwhile, the other GOP contenders for the presidential nomination are acting like they’ve got to see the Wizard for a brain.
   Well, save for one candidate, former Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman, the other Mormon in the race. The other Mormon with the brain. Huntsman answered Perry’s lack of brainpower comment by tweeting “I believe in evolution and trust scientists on global warming. Call me crazy.”
   Certainly not. You know Huntsman has a brain, he worked in the Obama administration as ambassador to China.
   He’s not crazy. And unfortunately he’s not going to be the nominee either.
   Then there’s Mitt “I had to deal with brain-eating amoebas in the private sector and as governor of Massachusetts. I know how to put brain-eating amoebas to work for America” Romney. He got on the president’s case for going on vacation in Martha’s Vineyard while the Dow was falling faster than Obama’s approval rating.
   Well, Mitt will be in Martha’s Vineyard next week for one of those Republican multi-million dollar fundraisers. Try the cavier, Mitt, but stay away from the fried amoebas.
   And we can’t forget the female Tasmanian devil, Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, who had a really numbskull week. Even for her.
   The other day on the campaign trail, Bachmann thought she’d rev up the crowd by first getting them to all wish Elvis a happy birthday. Thing is, it was the anniversary of the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll’s death.
   No one in the crowdd called her on that. Guess they thought “Don’t Be Cruel.”
   That’s nit-picking, but this isn’t: The spunky white tornado said that within one year of a Bachmann administration, gas would be $2 a gallon. She didn’t say how.
   Finally, Bachmann said America is in decline and that we have to worry about the rise of China, India and —– wait for it —– the Soviet Union.
   Two dollar a gallon gas. The Soviet Union. Elvis is still alive and it’s his birthay. It’s all clear now: Bachmann hasn’t left the 1970s yet.
   However insipid she sounds, Bachmann is still no match for the human brain-eating amoeba, Princess Photo-Op Palin.
   The Princess isn’t officially a candidate, but she plays one on TV.
   There she was the other night at her snarky best on Fox News talking about Obama on vacay in the Vineyard. She snarked that he could “tickle his toes in the sand” and “bury the proverbial head in the same sand.”
   Careful there, Princess, that sounded way too scripted. The dead giveaway was you using that 50-cent word proverbial. Up until someone wrote you that line you thought “proverbial” meant someone who is in favor of using more verbs than nouns.
   Your delivery was good, though. One might think you were reading from a teleprompter as to not mess up the punchline.
   But you know all about punchlines, since that’s what you’re most famous for these days.
   That and the look on your face when you have to wing it on the stump. A look that resembles someone who ate ice cream too fast and is having a brain freeze.

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