The fast talker

    Fade in: Jerry Seinfeld’s apartment. Day. George is sitting on the couch reading the newspaper. Jerry answers the intercom near his apartment door.
    Jerry: “Ya.”
    Voice over the intercom: “It’s Elaine.”
    Jerry: “Come on up.”
    George: “Is Elaine still seeing the fast-talker?”
    Jerry: “Ya. The guy is amazing, really. And he’s got the perfect job, he does voice-overs for commercials. He actually holds the record for saying the most words in a TV spot: 300 words in 30 seconds.”
    George: “Small potatoes. My father can  top that —- especially when he’s talking to strangers about his son George’s shortcomings.”
    Jerry: “And get this, the guy is a Mormon.”
    George: “What the hell is a Mormon anyway? Isn’t that a cult? Hey, name your favorite cult. C’mon, c’mon, best cult ever!”
    Jerry: “My favorite cult? Who are you, Charles Manson? You know, being a Mormon has its advantages. They’re polygamists. They can have many wives. That’s a goldmine for comedians: dozens of mother-in-law jokes at the ready.”
    George: “Those Mormon women are kind of sexy. They wear their hair in those buns —- and they’re dressed from head to toe. All covered up. Nothing exposed. I find that strangely titillating.”
    Jerry: “You’re still not getting any professional help, are you?”
    George: “Help, smelp. Let’s hurry up and order something to eat. I promised Susan I’d attend one of her Scientology classes.”
    Jerry: “Scientology?
    George: “Ya.”
    Jerry: “Scientology is a cult, my friend.”
    George: “I used to think so, but Susan convinced me otherwise.”
    Jerry: “Susan convinced you.”
    George: “Ya. And…?”
    Jerry: “I’m just talking.  [sips coffee] Apparently not fast enough.”
    [Suddenly Kramer rushes into the apartment, swirling around. He is munching on a piece of fruit.]
    Kramer: “How’s it going?”
    Jerry: “What do you think of our boy here? He’s attending a Scientology class tonight.”
    Kramer: “Oh, that’s a cult!”
    George (shuffles newspaper, mumbling): “George is getting angry…”
    Kramer: “My firend Bob Sacamano joined Scientology and within two days —- bam ! —- brainwashed!”
    George: “Well, it’s been getting a bad rap, and George is putting his foot down on this one!”
    Jerry: “The foot is down?”
    George: “The foot is down, baby!”
    Jerry: “George Costanza is defending Scientology.”
    George (ready to burst a blood vessel): “It’s George for the defense!”
        [Elaine enters the apartment, slams her purse down and sits on the couch.]
    Jerry: “Laney.”
    Elaine: “Well, it’s over.”
    Jerry: “With you and the fast-talking Mormon? What happened?”
    Elaine: “Let me put it to you this way, talking isn’t the only thing he’s fast at.”
    George (suddenly cheerful): “Really?”
    Elaine: “A latter-day saint, he ain’t.”
    George: “Guess you can say he’s all talk and no action.”
    Jerry: “Why don’t you go with George and Susan to one of her classes? Maybe you’ll meet a nice Scientologist.”
    Elaine: “Naw. I’m through with dating guys who belong to cults.”
    George (loses it): “Ah, c’mon!”

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