Raising Cain

       The latest frontrunner for the Republican presidential nomination is Pizza King Herman Cain. So naturally the media has finally started listening to eveything he has to say.
    And he’s proving that being the frontrunner for the GOP nod means you have to out-crazy the others in the field if you’re going to keep that status until the next frontrunner takes over.
    Crazy is as crazy does, and Herman hasn’t disappointed. While in Tennessee over the weekend, Citizen Cain had a solution to the illegal immigration problem. He announced that he would build a fence 20 feet high with barbed-wire. And it would be “electrified.”  He added that there would be a sign, in English and Spanish, mind you, that would warn any man, woman or child trying to climb over the fence that “it will kill you.”
    Naturally, he was called on that remark. Even by members in his own party like GOP presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann. And if you’re called out for saying something crazy by the likes of Bachmann, it’s time for the straight-jacket and rubber room.
    To fend off the attacks, Cain said he was only joking and that America needs to get a sense of humor.
    OK, then let’s deal with that. Since the upteenth Republican presidential nomination debate took place tonight in Las Vegas, it would’ve been more entertaining had Hermain Cain was the opening act, as a stand-up comedian. What better place to try out your inner-Bob Hope than the entertainment capital of the world?
    After Herman is introduced, his monologue could go something like this:
      “Good evening fellow Americans, and any Democrats that might be watchin.’ I’m Herman Cain, the man with the 9-9-9 plan. It’s been vilified, criticized and demonized. But I’m not on the fence on this one. Because if I was, I’d get electrified.”
      [audience laughs politely]
       “Tonight the debate comes to you from Las Vegas. Sin City. Mitt Romney’s religion doesn’t much like this place. But Mitt’s here because there’s actually money around he hasn’t touched yet.”
      [very little laughter from audience]
      “But seriously, folks, Jon Huntsman boycotted this debate. That makes sense, Republicans have been boycotting his run for the nomination ever since he announced he was a candidate.”
     [no laughter at all from audience. Cain taps microphone]
      “Is this thing on? I know you’re out there, I can hear you cheering for letting people on life support die if they have Obamacare.”
     [audience responds more favorably]
      “Rick Perry is at home in Vegas gambling. Rick is no stranger to doubling-down —- on issues. He has the wife out on the stump weeping that we’re picking on him. She needs cheering up, Rick. Take her out to dinner and then to an execution.”
     [audience laughs reluctantly]
       “Hello, Newt Gingrich. Newt has spent so much money on bling at Tiffany’s, Marcus Bachmann wants to be his fourth wife.”
     [camera gets shot of an uncomfortable looking Michele Bachmann]
      “I was actually at that concert for Clinton’s global initiative the other night. Lady GaGa performed. In case you missed her act, you can catch Marcus Bachmann in drag performing the same routine at the MGM Grand.”
     [steam is actually coming out of Michele Bachmann’s ears now]
      “Ya, the concert was disappointing. In honor of Lady GaGa, Hillary was supposed to show up wearing a meat pantsuit.”
     [audience is loving it now]
      “I don’t see what the big deal was. This wasn’t the first time a butt-ugly woman performed for President Clinton.”
     [crowd is hootin’ and hollering now]
      “But back to my fellow contenders. Mitt Romney, you’re so stiff, I think I’ll start calling you Viagra.”
     [audience “oohs” and “ahhs” but Mitt has the same oblivious look on his face]
      “Mitt, if Ron Paul wasn’t in the running, you’d be the one most resembling  a corpse.”
     [audience groans again]
       “And what can you say about Rick Santorum. Except, who?”
     [Santorum has a look on his face like someone told him his cat died]
      “Let me finish by saying I’ve changed my stand on the immigration situation. But I haven’t softened on it. Instead of an electrified fence, I’m gonna install a 20-foot high, 100-miles long pizza oven and throw all of them illegals in it.”
     [audience is in a frenzy now]
      “And then I’m gonna feed ’em to the dogs. Chihuahua Supreme Pizza!”
     [audience gives him a standing ovation]
      “Pepperoni Pinada!”
     [more frenzied response]
      “Whose hungry for a Hermain Cain candidacy?!”
     [audience lets him know]
     “Let’s order this one to go. Whattaya say?”

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