The fast talker
Fade in: Jerry Seinfeld's apartment. Day. George is sitting on the couch reading the newspaper. Jerry answers the intercom near his apartment door.
Jerry: "Ya."
Voice over the intercom: "It's Elaine."
Jerry: "Come on up."
George: "Is Elaine still seeing the fast-talker?"
Jerry: "Ya. The guy is amazing, really. And he's got the perfect job, he does voice-overs for commercials. He actually holds the record for saying the most words in a TV spot: 300 words in 30 seconds."
George: "Small potatoes. My father can top that ---- especially when he's talking to strangers about his son George's shortcomings."
Jerry: "And get this, the guy is a Mormon."
George: "What the hell is a Mormon anyway? Isn't that a cult? Hey, name your favorite cult. C'mon, c'mon, best cult ever!"
Jerry: "My favorite cult? Who are you, Charles Manson? You know, being a Mormon has its advantages. They're polygamists. They can have many wives. That's a goldmine for comedians: dozens of mother-in-law jokes at the ready."
George: "Those Mormon women are kind of sexy. They wear their hair in those buns ---- and they're dressed from head to toe. All covered up. Nothing exposed. I find that strangely titillating."
Jerry: "You're still not getting any professional help, are you?"
George: "Help, smelp. Let's hurry up and order something to eat. I promised Susan I'd attend one of her Scientology classes."
Jerry: "Scientology?
George: "Ya."
Jerry: "Scientology is a cult, my friend."
George: "I used to think so, but Susan convinced me otherwise."
Jerry: "Susan convinced you."
George: "Ya. And...?"
Jerry: "I'm just talking. [sips coffee] Apparently not fast enough."
[Suddenly Kramer rushes into the apartment, swirling around. He is munching on a piece of fruit.]
Kramer: "How's it going?"
Jerry: "What do you think of our boy here? He's attending a Scientology class tonight."
Kramer: "Oh, that's a cult!"
George (shuffles newspaper, mumbling): "George is getting angry..."
Kramer: "My firend Bob Sacamano joined Scientology and within two days ---- bam ! ---- brainwashed!"
George: "Well, it's been getting a bad rap, and George is putting his foot down on this one!"
Jerry: "The foot is down?"
George: "The foot is down, baby!"
Jerry: "George Costanza is defending Scientology."
George (ready to burst a blood vessel): "It's George for the defense!"
[Elaine enters the apartment, slams her purse down and sits on the couch.]
Jerry: "Laney."
Elaine: "Well, it's over."
Jerry: "With you and the fast-talking Mormon? What happened?"
Elaine: "Let me put it to you this way, talking isn't the only thing he's fast at."
George (suddenly cheerful): "Really?"
Elaine: "A latter-day saint, he ain't."
George: "Guess you can say he's all talk and no action."
Jerry: "Why don't you go with George and Susan to one of her classes? Maybe you'll meet a nice Scientologist."
Elaine: "Naw. I'm through with dating guys who belong to cults."
George (loses it): "Ah, c'mon!"
Jerry: "Ya."
Voice over the intercom: "It's Elaine."
Jerry: "Come on up."
George: "Is Elaine still seeing the fast-talker?"
Jerry: "Ya. The guy is amazing, really. And he's got the perfect job, he does voice-overs for commercials. He actually holds the record for saying the most words in a TV spot: 300 words in 30 seconds."
George: "Small potatoes. My father can top that ---- especially when he's talking to strangers about his son George's shortcomings."
Jerry: "And get this, the guy is a Mormon."
George: "What the hell is a Mormon anyway? Isn't that a cult? Hey, name your favorite cult. C'mon, c'mon, best cult ever!"
Jerry: "My favorite cult? Who are you, Charles Manson? You know, being a Mormon has its advantages. They're polygamists. They can have many wives. That's a goldmine for comedians: dozens of mother-in-law jokes at the ready."
George: "Those Mormon women are kind of sexy. They wear their hair in those buns ---- and they're dressed from head to toe. All covered up. Nothing exposed. I find that strangely titillating."
Jerry: "You're still not getting any professional help, are you?"
George: "Help, smelp. Let's hurry up and order something to eat. I promised Susan I'd attend one of her Scientology classes."
Jerry: "Scientology?
George: "Ya."
Jerry: "Scientology is a cult, my friend."
George: "I used to think so, but Susan convinced me otherwise."
Jerry: "Susan convinced you."
George: "Ya. And...?"
Jerry: "I'm just talking. [sips coffee] Apparently not fast enough."
[Suddenly Kramer rushes into the apartment, swirling around. He is munching on a piece of fruit.]
Kramer: "How's it going?"
Jerry: "What do you think of our boy here? He's attending a Scientology class tonight."
Kramer: "Oh, that's a cult!"
George (shuffles newspaper, mumbling): "George is getting angry..."
Kramer: "My firend Bob Sacamano joined Scientology and within two days ---- bam ! ---- brainwashed!"
George: "Well, it's been getting a bad rap, and George is putting his foot down on this one!"
Jerry: "The foot is down?"
George: "The foot is down, baby!"
Jerry: "George Costanza is defending Scientology."
George (ready to burst a blood vessel): "It's George for the defense!"
[Elaine enters the apartment, slams her purse down and sits on the couch.]
Jerry: "Laney."
Elaine: "Well, it's over."
Jerry: "With you and the fast-talking Mormon? What happened?"
Elaine: "Let me put it to you this way, talking isn't the only thing he's fast at."
George (suddenly cheerful): "Really?"
Elaine: "A latter-day saint, he ain't."
George: "Guess you can say he's all talk and no action."
Jerry: "Why don't you go with George and Susan to one of her classes? Maybe you'll meet a nice Scientologist."
Elaine: "Naw. I'm through with dating guys who belong to cults."
George (loses it): "Ah, c'mon!"
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