Goyum grasping for gravitas

    The Republican presidential candidates courted votes on Wednesday at the Republican Jewish Forum.
  Oy gevalt!
  The usual ‘I will defend Israel’ and ‘Obama is an appeaser’ spiel was spewed by the GOPeabrains.
  It was the usual suspects picking on the usual suspects.
  The event was so boring C-SPAN ran a test pattern.
  Maybe the forum could’ve used a stand-up comic to emcee the event —– an opening act for the goyum grasping for gravitas.
  It could have gone something like this:
  “Newt Gingrich is here today. The frontrunner. He’s trying to come across as a different and improved Newt. Not the same old Newt. Well, Newt, I studied this and, funny, you don’t look newish.
  Newt converted to Catholicism. Good timing. There’s probably support out there somewhere for a return to the Inquisition. But seriously, Newt could’ve picked any religion, but his deciding factor was the pope also purchases his bling at Tiffany’s.”
  “We have a few Mormons in the house. Mr. Romney. Mr. Huntsman. A Jew and a Mormon walk into a bar and the bartender says, ‘what is this, some kind of a joke?’  OK, how about this one: What’s the one thing you’ll never hear answered at a four-star restaurant owned and operated by a Jew and a Mormon? ‘Jesus Christ, table for 13.’ “
  “The GOP knows God personally. So much so that the Almighty has spoken to them and told them to run for president. Actually it wasn’t God who told them —- they’re dyslexic. They were told to run by their dog.”
   “Fairly or unfairly, Michele Bachmann has been called a shrew. But she’s defending it well by saying some of her best friends are shrewish.”
   “It’s been reported that Ron Paul was not invited to this forum. Not true. It was a mix-up in the invitations. We mistakenly invited Ru Paul.”
   “Rick Perry is a friend to the Jewish people. He doesn’t know a lot of Jews, being that he’s from Texas. But he says the state is full of a lot of Holsteins. But I wanna tell ya, Rick Perry vows to put an end to Obama’s war on religion. That’s a bold statement, sir. In fact, I believe it’s the first time a Republican has ever used the words ‘end a war.’ “
   “The other Rick, Rick Santorum is here. You might want to leave early, Rick, the Village People are providing the entertainment.
    Politics is lucky to have Rick Santorum. He entered the profession only after being unsuccessful at his first true calling: Wedding planner.”
    “And then there’s Mitt Romney. He says the first trip he’ll take overseas will be to Israel —– where he won’t find too many Smiths, just like there aren’t too many Reuben’s running his campaign.
    One could almost hear Mitt in Jerusalem talking to the elders and saying ‘the food here is alright, but don’t you people ever order out for Chinese?”
    “I’m Dick Bupkis and these are your Republican presidential candidates. Maybe if we’re lucky, Michele Bachmann’s husband can help us all pray away the oy vey!”