Whistlin’ Dixie

       They actually booed the golden rule.
    The manner in which the audience conducted itself Monday night at the Republican presidential debate in South Carolina proves that the state should go ahead and secede from the Union again.
   Let history repeat itself.
   Just leave Myrtle Beach alone. Send it to Southern California.
   But let Texas Gov. Rick Perry lead your secession. He has his own general in Newt Gingrich to help the South rise to its level of incompetence again.
   The debate audience actually cheered when Newt (the secession’s Robert E. Lee to Perry’s Jefferson Davis) regurgitated his mad idea of letting poor kids work as janitors in their schools so they can make money and prepare themselves in life to be subserviant to their more affluent peers in their class.
   Newt Gingrich, the assassin of self-esteem.
   Very soon when he has to drop out of the GOP race for the White House, he could form his own perfect union and establish an army of poor kids, the Oliver Twists, to clean the bathrooms of every classroom and toilet stalls in every school in America.
   Newt will be Janitor-in-Chief.
   The kids will be paid minimum wage, but as long as Obama is still president, their parents will be able to live on food stamps.
   Newt tossed the rabid debate audience enough red meat to tenderize their race baiting.
   There was no “pious baloney” on Newt’s plate when he told the rebel yellers in the audience that ol’ Andy Jackson knew what to do with the enemy: “Kill them.”
   What a patriot. He knows when to wrap himself in the Confederate flag.
   The day after the debate Newt told a reporter that his goal as GOP nominee would not be to bloody Obama’s nose but to “knock him out.”
   Newt Gingrich, a real pugnacious candidate who coulda been a contender. The Great White Hope in the ring landing a TKO on Sugar Ray Obama before the current champ punches a one-way ticket to Palookaville for America.
   Keeping with the macho theme, being that the debate on Monday was orchestrated by Fox News, there had to be a gun question. Not about gun rights, but when was the last time the candidates went hunting. And would they ever consider hunting with Dick Cheney. OK, the second part wasn’t asked.
   Mitt Romney said he hasn’t fired as many guns as Americans while CEO at Bain Capital. OK, that part isn’t true, either. Not that he hasn’t fired more people than weapons, but that he didn’t say that at the debate. He said he shot a moose, no, rather an elk. Sounds like typical Mitt, who often sounds like he’s shooting the bull.
   Meanwhile at a press conference, Perry more or less compared himself to Moses (Jesus must be a former flavor the week.) Perry said Moses was not a great speaker (or debater for that matter) but God used him anyway.
   Moses supposes erroneously, Ricky.
   Perry’s sole contribution to the GOP primary has been renaming venture capitalists like Romney as “vulture capitalists.”
   By the way, Ricky, those are vultures circling your campaign.
    Things overheard in the audience at the GOP debate in South Carolina:
     1. “I heard Rick Perry’s favorite movie is ‘Deliverance.’ “
     2. “Is Ron Paul still breathing?”
     3. “Rick Santorum looks like the guy who takes your money at a toll booth.”
     4. “I think I just saw Mitt Romney’s hair move.”
     5. “Where’s that loudmouth cute little lady from Minnesota? I wanted to see her head spin around and smoke come out her ears when she talks about Obamacare.”
     6. “I’d get Newt a case of beer but I can’t buy liquor with food stamps.”
     7. “All this time I thought super PAC was the name of a porno movie.”
     8. “Let’s sacrifice an ethnic.”
     9. “I’m looking forward to the day I can tell my 5-year-old boy Jasper that soon he’ll be old enough to support the family by cleaning toilets at his grade school because I’ll be out of a job.”
     10. “Just think, whoever wins the South Carolina Primary will go on to win the Republican nomination and lose to Obama in November.”

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One Response to Whistlin’ Dixie

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