Bang! Zoom! To the moon, Alice!
Ralph Kramden, the hapless bus driver made indelible by “The Great One” Jackie Gleason on the classic TV sitcom “The Honeymooners” always said that to his long-suffering wife Alice when she made his blood boil.
Ralph always had a get-rich-quick scheme he’d conjur up with his dunderhead neighbor “pal o’ mine” Ed Norton.
Ralph would want to get in on the ground floor, or in this case, launching pad, after listening to GOP presidential candidate Newt Gingrich’s vision for the future.
Newt told a crowd in Florida that by the end of his second term (no delusion of grandeur here) in 2020 there would be “the first permanent base on the moon, and it will be American.”
Got that. No dang furiners.
America, we’ve got a problem.
Just to be safe, President Newt will send the Army Corps of Engineers (by then called the Interplanetary Military Infrastructurists) up a few years ahead of colinization in order to build a kryptonite wall at the lunar border to keep out any and all hooligans who don’t speak American. Or earthling.
The idea would seem to be out of this world. Just consider though, if Newt is president the next eight years he will have destroyed this planet and everyone who could qualify would go to the moon.
You might think by talking like this that Newt has moon rocks in his head.
Or at best he’s a real lunar-tic.
But he’s a visionary. Just ask for him. He probably thought of “Plan 9 from Outer Space” first.
Newt Gingrich is light years ahead of us all in his thinking outside the universe. He’s warp speed and we’re all going 35 mph in a 65 mph zone with our left turn signals still on.
Coming soon to the SyFy Channel: Newt Gingrich’s Star Drek. To boldly go where no ego has gone before.
Just in case that TV show doesn’t work out for Commander Cody and his Lost Planet Airman, he has a continuing role on the new sitcom called “Cayman Islands.” Some of the characters are retreds, and the show’s theme song might sound a bit familiar, with new lyrics, of course:
“Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale
a tale of an expensive campaign trip.
It started being born wealthy, his diaper pin a money clip.
Mitt makes a cool $57,000 a day
the Skipper is angry and bold.
Little Ricky’s pushing sweater-vests
and Ron Paul is too old.
Join them on this whacky campaign trail,
you’re sure to crack a smile.
They’re visiting Mitt’s offshore accounts
here on Cayman Isle.”
In the premiere episode, Gilligan Santorum has the brillliant idea he stole from Skipper Gingrich: To get the Professor Ron Paul to convert Mitt’s yacht “One Percent” into a space ship so they can explore starting a colony on the moon.
Skipper Gingrich is busy trying to convince second wife Mary Ann to agree to an open marriage involving Ginger.
Meanwhile, Thurston Howell Romney convinces naive Americans to invest in condos in Nantucket he calls tax shelters. The selling point: They come equipped with servants, high school kids who aren’t poor enough to clean the toilets at their schools.
“Cayman Islands” is the comic relief on the tube until the next Republican debate in three weeks.
In the hiatus that is the GOP comedy reality show, let’s see who throws who under the bus.
With his bad luck, Ralph Kramden will probably be driving it.
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