Magnum Farce

  You had to see this one coming down Broadway in an out-of-control Ford Bronco: The Republican National Committee chairman  compared President Obama to that captain of the Italian cruise-liner who abandoned ship and ultimately let passengers die.
   The chairman, Reince Priebus (yep, that’s his real name) is a snarky little weasel who makes one long for former RNC chairman Michael Steele, a man of real substance.
   Reince Priebus. Sounds like a fabricated ailment pharmaceutical companies could cash in on by pushing prescription medication that offers fast, temporary relief. You can almost hear the voice-over on the TV commercial now: “If reince continues to form on your priebus for more than four hours, call your doctor right-away.”
   In order to promote the phony ailment, Big Pharma could throw its weight around and insist producers mention it in a segment from a popular movie, if only to help move the plot forward.
   Here’s an example of how that can be done. It’s a segment from yet another Clint Eastwood Dirty Harry movie, this one called “Magnum Farce”:
  
   [Scene: Day. Detective Harry Callahan and his rookie partner patrol the streets of San Franciso looking to enforce law and order against any punks attempting to make trouble for the general population.]

   Harry: Just my luck. Not only am I saddled with a rookie partner. I’ve got a rookie partner with a medical condition.
   Rookie: Chalk it up to karma, Harry. For all the questionable stuff you’ve done in your professional life.
   Harry: Ya. What’s wrong with you again?
   Rookie: Doctors found traces of reince on my priebus.
   Harry: Sounds painful. Tough it out. Back in the day I battled a bout of Sanjay on my Gupta. Never missed a day of work.
   Rookie: Me and my young wife just hope this isn’t hereditary. We’ve got a six-month old son. One thing, though, I’m glad I’m not a veteran cop with only five days left until retirement. I’d be dead before this part of the movie is over.
   Harry: I’ve got news for you, rookie. Everybody who gets to be the partner I don’t want to be saddled with dies in my movies.
   Rookie: Great. Hey! What’s that?!
   Harry: A punk holding kids hostage on a school bus.
   Rookie: Harry, don’t go all right wing-nut dinosaur from the 1970s law and order vigilante on this guy. Remember to negotiate. There are kids’ lives at stake here.
   Harry: Ya. Wait in the car, McGovern.
  
   [Harry gets out of car, draws his weapon and walks toward the gunman holding the kids hostage.]

   Kid on bus: Hey, copper, kill this weenie so we can go home!
   Bad guy: Who the hell are you?
   Harry: Name’s Callahan.
   Bad guy: As in Dirty Harry Callahan?
   Harry: Ya.
   Bad Guy: The cop who shoots first and negotiates with the criminal while he bleeds to death.
   Kid on bus: Blow his head clear off!
   Bad Guy: Who’s that in the car? Get out of the car so I can see you. He makes me nervous, and when I get nervous I get an itchy trigger finger.
   Harry: Get out of the car, rook.
   [Rookie gets out of the car slowly, all the time grimmacing.]
   Bad Guy: What’s wrong with you?
   Rookie: Doctors found traces of reince on my priebus.
   Bad Guy: Sounds painful. Bet he’s not packing a weapon like yours, Callahan.
   Harry: This is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in a Republican presidential candidate’s arsenal. So, you have to ask yourself, “Do I feel lucky?” Well, do you, Dukakis….
  
   [About 10 seconds of silent tension mounts before Harry and the Bad Guy both shoot. Of course Harry is still standing and the Bad Guy is dead. Kids on the bus start cheering. Cop cars enter onto the scene. Harry's boss, the Captain, surveys the situation and is not pleased.]

   Captain: Well, you’ve done it again, Callahan. Killed a suspect without negotiating. Did you at least read him his Miranda rights?
   Harry: Miranda rights, my Gupta. What about the rights of those little kids on that bus?
   Cop: Hey, Harry, your partner’s been hit. But he’ll live.
   Harry: Where did you get hit, rook?
   Rookie: owwwww!…. in the …. priebus…
   Harry: Hate to add insult to injury, Pelosi. But that’s not covered by Obamacare ……
  
 

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