[Fade in. The War Room at the White Hose. Late at night.]
Narrator: The current occupant of the White House has declared war on religion.
Not all religion, mind you, just Christianity. You know, America’s true religion.
He’s specifically targeting Catholicism with his forcing the church to OK giving women contraceptives so they can have sex without being married and have pleasure without getting pregnant.
It’s just a matter of time before he orders the Navy SEALs to land on top of the Vatican and take out the pope.
President Jesus Hater is in the War Room right now with the only one he can trust with his devious agenda: Satan…..
Obama:I got bin Laden and brought the troops back home from Iraq to fool the people into thinking I’m one of them. Still, my re-election is not in the bag. I’m going to need an October surprise.
Satan: Let’s worry about that later. By the way, bin Laden sends his best. He doesn’t hold it against you for taking him out. He knows I’ve chosen you to command my Ultimate Solution 2: My attack on America that the sweater-vest politician got wind of. Do we need to worry about him?
Obama: He’s self-destructive. How does bin Laden like hell?
Satan: He hates it. Everybody hates hell. Except those in life who have spent any amount of time living in Cleveland.
Obama: So am I going to win re-election?
Satan: I don’t need to remind you that I’ve been barred from the miracle business. But I am a magician and can always go to my abyss of a bag of tricks. It’s not true, you can fool some of the people all of the time. And we only need 51 pecent of those. But this sorcerer does not need an apprentice. So don’t get cute.
Obama: When have I ever let you down?
Satan: Hello. Health care. What up with that?
Obama: A diversion. I caved on the public option.
Satan: And bringing troops home from Iraq. That was one of my favorite wars. I didn’t even have to get in the empty head of W. on that one. What an idiot. Like Lyndon Johnson and Vietnam. What is it with these Texans and their wars? They make my job too easy on that front. Fools. But I suffer fools gladly.
Obama: Speaking of fools, Fox News is playing right into our hands.
Satan: Indeed. By them continuously attacking you for what you really are, it’s working in reverse. No one takes them seriously unless they’re so paranoid they put duct tape over their windows in case, what, illegal immigrants attack their neighborhood? You gotta love that. Fearmongering is manna from heaven, you should excuse the expression.
Obama: Rupert Murdoch is a contrary genius.
Satan: One of my best archangels. But he has a lean and hungry look about him. Been after my job for decades. He’s of the notion he can buy hell.
Obama: A great hypocrite. So do we take down Catholics first? They seem to be the most difficult.
Satan: Yes, the most difficult first. Some think start with the weakest, but we have enough inside help with those sects —– and the beauty of it is they don’t even know it.
Obama: How do we win this war on religion?
Satan: Keep the conversation going about sex. Personal freedom. This contraceptive issue is our Normandy. When it comes to personal freedom or freedom of religion, people will always choose personal freedom. I have a great disdain for humanity so I know the limits of its ego.
Obama: Just like Dick Cheney.
Satan: Ah, my hero. It was a sad day when he left power. Waterboarding. What a concept. Even I didn’t come up with that one.
Obama: Just like all sinister politicians, he came up with an October surprise in 2004 to get re-elected.
Satan: Absolutely. Osama helped him out. Appeared out of nowhere to remind the frightened ones he was just itching to have John Kerry elected president. Pure genius if I do say so myself.
Obama: So what will my October surprise be?
Satan: You mean you haven’t figured it out yet? After all this time I’ve been mentoring you. Think hard.
Obama: It’s not lowering the gas prices, that’s easy enough to do and unmasked as political. I know! I could suddenly end the war in Afghanistan and announce I’m bringing all the troops home for Christmas.
Satan: Bingo! By the way, I invented that game to make Catholics look like hypocrites when it comes to thou shalt not gamble.
Obama: Speaking of games of chance, looks like I’m playing my cards right against all these jokers in the Republican primary. Nice work there.
Satan: I had nothing to do with that. You’re right, it was the luck of the draw.
Obama: The only thing better would be a brokered convention and Sarah Palin snatches the nomination.
Satan: That would be the ultimate godsend, you should excuse the expression.
Obama: Palin thinks Habeas corpus was a Roman emperor.
Satan: She thinks NATO is the name of the Green Hornet’s sidekick.
Obama: She thought the first line of the Gettysburg Address was “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away….” That would be too easy facing off against her. Regardless of who I face, there’s plenty of work to do. A lot of speeches to write between now and Nov. 6.
Satan: You’ll succeed as you always do because you never forget what’s first and foremost in all of your speeches. And that is?
Obama: The devil is in the details.
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