No country for old man Cheney

    While the contenders for the Republican presidential nomination were courting grits-eatin,’ catfish-catchin,’ Southern belle-lovin’ votes in Alabamy and Ole Miss, former Vice President Dick Cheney was having trouble up north. Way up north. As in the Great White North.
     Cheney said it’s too dangerous to visit Canada.
     Ya, if you’re Dick Cheney.
     Dick, have a Molson, eh?
     Apparently security wouldn’t be able to protect the former Veep from protesters who would surely demonstrate against his presence again this year if he would show up for a speaking engagement.
     Last fall in Vancouver, Deadeye Dick’s speaking engagement met with hundreds of people who didn’t like the fact that he used waterboarding and sleep deprivation on who he thought were suspected terrorists.
     Human rights groups in Canada want Cheney brought to justice for crimes against humanity.
     He’s, how you say it, persona-non-grata.
     What the h-e-double hockey sticks.
     And to think, our next president of the United States, that cheesy grits lovin’ Mitt Romney, had the post of ambassador to Canada in mind for Cheney.
     President Willard Mitt will have to fall back on his second choice now.
     Are you ready to represent the United States in Canada, Miss Kardashian?
     The reputations of Cheney and his very angry daughter Lizzy Borden Cheney proceed them.
     This looks like a dirty deed to be done dirt cheap job for Fox News.
     The Cheney legacy must be defended, if not fabricated to extremes.
     Fox has got to start Canada hatin’ and get the frightened ones who tune in religiously to despise it as well.
     Get Hannity and all those other little weasels to start the hate-fest with lying-through-their-baked-bean-little-teeth talking points like:
        America needs to go to war with Canada because America deserves to have full control of Niagara Falls.
        None of this American side and Canadian side. The Falls is an American wonder of the world.
        The Canadian side is too neat and tidy.
        Candadians are wusses. They follow the Queen, don’t they?
        And they say “aboot” instead of “about.” How annoying is that? Still, it would work when interrogating a possible Canadian trying to pass off as a real American.
        It would be easier than making them get IDs and have to show them. They are, after all, all white.
        But the French-Canadians are sneaky and suspicious and they’re building a bomb. Or they have weapons of mass destruction. Either one works.
        The Canadian Army consists of Mounties in loud uniforms on horses. Easy to defeat and convert to conservative American.  A bunch of Dudley Do-Rights. C’mon, have you ever seen one of his cartoons?
        Recall Canadian bacon. It’s a threat to American bacon. Besides, It’s not even bacon, it’s freakin’ ham!
        Drill into the frightened minds that in 2008, thousands of Canadians snuck across the border to illegally vote for Obama.
        Finally, let’s deport some Canadians. Start with Mike Myers. He hasn’t made a good Austin Powers movie in a long time.
        Do it for Dick Cheney, America’s Grouchy Uncle with the bad ticker.
        We haven’t come to his defense in a long time.
        Isn’t it aboot… about time we did?
       

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