Alpha male Abe

  In last year’s “X Men: First Class,” the superheroes thwarted the Cuban Missile Crisis, but President Kennedy wasn’t part of the Marvel-ous group.
  Graphic novels have featured presidents like Obama and women in politics like Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin as superheroes. But Hollywood is taking it to a whole ‘nother level.
  Coming this summer to a theater near you, “Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter.”
  Honest.
  OK, Abe doesn’t have fireballs shooting from his stove-pipe hat (at least that wasn’t in the previews of coming attractions) but he fights the undead with precision, like a gattlin’-gun ballet.
  There’s just no way to kill these vampire-themed movies. And since these bloodsuckers have been around for ages, they were here four score and seven years before the Gettysburg Address. In fact, the movie isn’t filmed on the famous battlefield in Pennsylvania, but rather in Transylvania.
   Look for Abe to fight Confederate Army vampires headed by Count Robert E. Christopher Lee.
   As long as we’re rewritting history here.
   Former GOP presidential candidate Michele Bachmann should be a fan of the film. At last she’ll be able to brag that she was right all along that the Civil War wasn’t fought over slavery, but the destruction of vampirism before it sucked the Union’s bone marrow dry.
   Naturally, the undead were destroyed by the first Republican president.
   Lincoln is such a respected figure, almost regal, dare we say spiritual, that him as a vampire hunter seems a bit too surreal.
   Still, we tend to cast our most famous presidents as movie stars. They and other politicians have embraced entertainment and have been and still are entertaining.
   Gosh, we twice elected a former actor turned politician to the presidency.
   And the two have been impossible to differentiate since.
   Mitt Romney looks like he stepped out of central casting to play a president.
   But how about Mitt as Batman? He’s a multi-millionaire who lives in stately Wayne Manor.
   Rick Santorum could be Robin, his ward.
   Wait a minute. That sounds a tad gay, Rick. A man living with a younger man he calls his ward.
   Better make that Florida rookie Sen. Marco Rubio as Robin.
   Then the movie could be remade as “Fratman and Ruben.”
   Besides, Santorum would look silly in sweater-vest and tights. Though he might have to change his strategy if he’s still running for the nomination and plans to win the New York Primary.
   He got thumped by Romney in the Illinois Primary.
   Illinois, the Land of Lincoln (and birthplace of Saint Ronald Reagan.)
   Romney is a Republican and so was Abe. And Romney once owned two Lincoln Town Cars.
   Lincoln had a dog he often put on the roof of his horse and buggy when taking a road trip.

   In another movie, Republicans could try to resurrect Abe from the grave to battle the modern day Obamacare vampires, but after seeing what his party has become, Abe wouldn’t be able to stop spinning in his grave.

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21 Responses to Alpha male Abe

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    Talk about rewriting history: it was the Turko-Cuban missile crisis. The US was the aggressor, placing IRBMs near USSR in Turkey (and also in Italy). USSR responded by placing IRBMs in Cuba.

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