Romney rises, Santorum surrenders

            So it is Mitten. So it shall be.
       If Mitt Romney was the title of a Gen X movie from 1989 he would be “Say Anything.”
       And the song blasting on his boom box would be “Both Sides Now.”
       Now that Romney all but has the GOP nomination locked up, the Big Corporations (that are people, too) will spend millions of dollars to erase all the flip-flopping and cowardly stances Mr. Roboto has said and taken —- as if it was all on a, well, etch-a-sketch.
       This will be accomplished by the evil wizardry of the Supreme Weasel himself, Karl Rove, the man they called “Bush’s brain.” And look what he did to the country with that.
       Rove’s American Crossroads will spend billions of dollars waging a war on President Obama.
       That’s the war Republicans want. It’s the only one they’re not in denial over. Unlike their War on Women.
       Of course America’s Bully, Rush Limbaugh, thinks this is all balderdash. But it was the Bully’s verbal blitzkrieg on a female Georgetown University law student that served as the first salvo fired.
       Rush Limbaugh, the human Fort Sumter.
       The war on women claimed its first casualty on Tuesday when Rick Santorum “suspended” his campaign for the Republican presidential nomination.
       The cultural warrior threw in the robe. He surrendered.
       No loss. This backward thinker said women weren’t cut out to fight on the frontlines. Well, thanks to the GOP, women have plenty of ammo to give them ample opportunity to hit Romney with their best shot.
       Any man can attest to the fact that women have long memories. Man, do they have long memories. No chance of men using the old etch-a-sketch on them.
       Their memory banks draw lots of interest.
       So it’s poor Mitt Romney (pardon the oxymoron) who is the reluctant overlord of the war, skirmish if you’re on the fence on this one.
       He’s about to be the GOP standard-bearer and there’s no deferrment in this war like the one he got during the Vietnam era.
       Polls show that Romney has a huge hole to climb out of if he’s going to win back support of women voters.
       The way his campaign is going so far, he’ll probably take some out-of-touch advice from the campaign brain trust to turn those polls numbers around.
       You could hear the spin doctors operating on how to perform surgery on those poll numbers. Here’s what they might think women want:
        1. “If this is a war on women, why not enlist the services of Tea Party bombast Dick Army?”
        2. “Play up your five sons as cougar bait.”
        3. “Hire a gay guy to be your friend and patronize him every so often. Women have a lot of gay male friends, but no lesbian friends. So it’s gotta be a gay guy.”
        4. “Hug men more often than you do. You’re a little too old school on this one. Sure, it’s strictly European, but it turns women on. The fact that men are comfortable with their feminine side.”
        5. “Give in a bit. Don’t apologize for wanting to do away with Planned Parenthood, but say something like ‘if I had five daughters instead of five sons, I’d be more sympathetic.’ Too much? OK, then, more Surfer Dude photo-ops. You’re as old as some of the Beach Boys, but that doesn’t mean you still can’t deliver good vibrations. Hey, write that one down, possible campaign slogan!”
       
           In related news, Rick Santorum suspended his campaign. Face it, he quit his run for the GOP presidential nomination on Tuesday.
         The former Pennsylvania senator finally pulled out.
         Rick Sanctimonious.
         You did not fight the good fight. Your intention was to create an America in your own image.
         Onward Christian Soldier couldn’t slay the Soldier of Fortune in the GOP primaries.
         Another right wing-nut bites the dust.
         Church and state shouldn’t integrate.
         Still, now the race will be between the Mormon and the Muslim.
         Put in on pay-per-view. Or better yet, Pray-per-view.
         What would Jesus do?
         He wouldn’t suspend his campaign. Imagine if he ever did.
         When all is said and done, Rick Santorum never had a prayer.
         The money-changes struck gold again.
         Give in to negative advertising.
         And you were about to get fire-bombed in your home state.
         Scorched earth over peace on earth.
         Get ready for the next war on something or someone.
         That’s the America you’re most comfortable defending.
         Back to Fox News with you.

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