The Celebrity President in the White House will have some competition for celebrity status this week when Celebrity Wannabe President Mitt Romney will be on the receiving end of a fundraiser in Las Vegas hosted by the host of “Celebrity Apprentice.”
Newt Gingrich will also be on hand to join Romney and the Buffoon Tycoon himself, Donald Trump.
Maybe it should be called The Bad Hair Day Tour.
Some are jokingly referring to the three political amigos as the new Rat Pack, a term that was famously played to the hilt in Vegas in the 1960s by Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr. This time, because of all the money that’s going to be spent to buy Romney the presidency, they should be referred to as the Rat SuperPAC.
Once again the rules of the game have, well, flip-flopped. President Obama was criticized for his Hollywood fundraiser at George Clooney’s house. But it’s perfectly acceptable for Mittens to play Vegas with The Donald.
Speaking of playing Vegas, one can imagine the Buffoon Tycoon trying to rehearse Mr. Roboto and Newtered for how they will entertain all the fat cats at the fundraiser. It might be going something like this:
Trump: This is how it’s going to be. I will be Sinatra, the leader of this exclusive Rat SuperPAC. Let’s face it, I’m more Frank than you two.
Mitt: Excuse me, but may I interject something here? If you’re Frank, then who am I? I’m the one running to be leader of the free enterprise world.
Trump: I’ve decided you’re going to be Dean Martin. Dino. He had greaseball hair just like you.
Mitt: If I may interject again. If we’re talking about hair ….
Trump: Do not make fun of the hair, or you won’t be president.
Mitt: Right. Sorry.
Trump: Frank was the chick magnet. Need I say more? As Dino, you can have the skirts I discard like so many runners-up in a beauty pageant.
Mitt: But I’m a happily married man. I’ve been married to one woman all of my adult life.
Newt: Not me.
Trump: I don’t remeber saying you could speak, Newt. You’re here for comic relief. Maybe we’ll have you perform with a monkey, since you like animals so much. No wonder the GOP was called a circus.
Mitt: If we want to play up the circus angle, we can always bring Rick Perry on board. Now there’s a clown. [laughs]
Trump: Yet another lame idea from the man who tied his dog to the roof of his car. By the way, curb that creepy laugh of yours. You sound like Snidley Whiplash from the old Dudley Do-Right cartoons.
Newt: I could be the lion tamer.
Trump: I could get a penguin to bite you in an uncomfortable place.
Mitt: I’m sorry, I wasn’t really listening. All I heard was penguin. So Dick Cheney is going to show up.
Trump: If you guys were on my show “Celebrity Apprentice ” —- Sundays on NBC —- you would both lose to Gary Busey.
Mitt: Speaking of TV, I heard Fox News is going to cover the fundraiser. Free advertising. And the commercials will be the ones created by our SuperPACS.
Trump: And like the Super Bowl, the show will premiere the spectacular commercial for the new line of Mitt Romney sports footwear.
Mitt: You mean…?
Trump: Yes. The Etch-A-Sketchers.
Mitt: Is it the spot where Chuck Norris is running down an Occupy Wall Streeter and then leaves the trademark from the bottom of the product on the punk’s face?
Trump: That’s the one. There will be others. It’s going to be huge.
Mitt: I love venture capitalism.
Newt [laughing]: Not vulture capitalism?
Trump: So I’m Frank, Mitt is Dino, so that must make you…
Newt [nervously]: Sammy Davis Jr?
Trump: In a way. But since we’re the party of the angry white guys —– some of us forunate enough to have trophy wives — and lots and lots of money, that will have to change. So I’ll make you the albino in the trio.
Newt: An albino?
Mitt: You are the saltine mo’fo of the group.
Newt: I don’t have to become Jewish, do I? I mean, I just turned Catholic and I can’t sleep at nights because of all that guilt stuff.
Mitt: If I may interject, again. Maybe we should leave religion out of this.
Trump: Finally an idea from you that actually makes sense.
Mitt: What about the birther stuff? If I may be so direct, I’m uncomfortable with that.
Trump: Let me deal with that. As Frank, I’m going to retitle and rework some of Ol’ Blue Eyes’ hits as it applies to this president.
Newt: Like what?
Trump: That’s good, be the straight man. For example, Frank’s “Birth of the Blues” will become “Birther the Blues.” And “Come Fly with Me” becomes “Come Fly with Me to My Birthplace in Kenya.” And of course, after Nov. 6, “All the Way” becomes “All the Way back to Kenya.”
Mitt: If I may contribute, “High Hopes” could become “We had such High Hopes.”
Trump: Better yet, “We had such High Hopes of finding your birth certificate.” But yours is good, too. I just might let you allow me to give the keynote address at the Republican National Convention.
Newt: How about if you sing one for your wife? You can call it “The Lady is a Trump.”
Trump and Mitt (in unison): You’re fired.
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