President Obama called Mitt Romney on Wednesday morning to congratulate him for securing the Republican presidential nomination and told him he was looking forward to “an important and healthy debate about America’s future.”
Sounds pretty civil. But what if the call went a little differently? It could have turned out to be a “Can you top this?” conversation as the two adversaries were trying to psyche each other out.
Obama: Hi, Mitt. It’s me, Barack.
Mitt: Did you call to concede the election already? It will save a lot of time and money. But then I have all the time in the world. And the money, too.
Obama: Right. No, actually I called to congratulate you on buying, uh, winning the Republican nomination.
Mitt: Ya, and …?
Obama: And I look forward to an intelligent debate on where we want to take this country.
Mitt: I was thinking back to 1957. I was 10 and “Leave it to Beaver” was my favorite show. How about you?
Obama: I’m kind of partial to 1982. I was 21 and just beginning to be influenced by ’60s homegrown terrorists in opium dens on the south side of Chicago.
Mitt: I knew it!
Obama; That’s a joke, Mitt. Like you making your birth certificate available when you met with Trump yesterday.
Mitt: I thought you might appreciate that.
Obama: I did. But that’s because I knew it was more of a slam at Trump than at me.
Mitt: Of course The Donald didn’t think so. It went over his head.
Obama: Hard to believe that anything could go over his head what with that thing on his head.
Mitt: Everytime I meet with that guy I think that thing on his head is going to eat my face.
Obama: He certainly can draw attention to himself. He overshadowed you clinching the nomination.
Mitt: For $2 million in campaign contributions, I can afford to sacrifice a news cycle.
Obama: I have to think that in your circle of friends,
$2 million is a bar tab.
Mitt: Well, we are out to drive you to drink.
Obama: I can hold my liquor.
Mitt: But can you hold a lead?
Obama: I finish strong. I am the closer.
Mitt: Sometimes the best players have to work the refs to get the call in their favor.
Obama: Like Florida in the 2000 election.
Mitt: Something like that.
Obama: Speaking of a call, I rang you at 11:30 because I don’t think you’re up to the task of answering the
3 a.m. phone call.
Mitt: Nice. I’ll play along. You’re right, the only 3 a.m. phone call I’m qualified to answer is when the tote board tops another million dollars in my offshore account in the Cayman Islands.
Obama: You really don’t have to do or say anything. Just sit back and let your money do the talking.
Mitt: That goes without saying.
Obama: Your Super PAC is going to spend $1 billion to take me down.
Mitt: Think of yourself as worth every penny they’re going to spend.
Obama: It’s going to take more than you have to spend.
Mitt: Are we through here? Time is money.
Obama: Truth is you’ll never run out of one, but you have until Nov. 6 to run out of the other.
Mitt: Liberal philosophical hogwash. Anyway, this was good practice for you. Maybe it won’t hurt as much the next time you call to congratulate me.
Obama: One last thing ….
Mitt: Yes?
Obama: This is a collect call.
Mitt: Next time, Tweet.
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