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Sad news to report. John Bruno, the mad genius behind Brunopinions has died. All of us at the San Gabriel Newspaper Group are truly saddened by his passing. 

He was a lovable newsroom character of a kind that’s becoming fewer and fewer these days. His ilk will likely be extinct in a decade or two as newspapers morph into something completely different than what they are now — or have ever been.
John, who spoke fondly of his youth in Erie, Pa.,  loved the Beatles, the movies and the NFL. 
Rest in Peace.
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Tagged | 9 Comments

The melancholy riff

   Democrats found out this past week that bad news, like deaths of famous people, tend to come in threes.
 First, former President Bill Clinton went off message by touting Mitt Romney’s Bain Capitol private sector experience, and then later in the week said that the Bush era tax cuts should be extended.
 Secondly, Republican Gov. Scott Walker survived a recall election in Wisconsin. In your face, Teamster Democrats.
 The third shoe to drop was the size 13.5 from President Obama.
 Call it his “Oops” moment. Or better still, his “The fundamentals of the economy are still strong” misstatement.
 At a press conference on Friday, Obama said “the private sector is doing fine.”
 Doh!
 As he should have, Mitt Romney pounced on that misstatement (if it had been Romney making the gaffe would it have been called a Mittstatement?)
 If Romney wasn’t so smug, so snarky and jubulant whenever bad economic news rears its ugly head, kowing the only way he’s going to get elected is if Americans continue to suffer, the election would be a lock for him.
 Romney is like the last girl left at the bar at 2 a.m. And you, no Harry Handsome yourself, end up taking her home. You know you’ll regret it in the morning, but what alternatives are left?
 Obama’s quote is a Christmas gift to the GOP in June. The president tried to walk back the numbskull statement later in the day, but the damage had already been done. Clearly, it was a dubious first place winner. The retraction was a distant second. And nobody remembers the also-ran.
 Obama is doing what a lot of political junkies thought would have been the impossible: he’s making Mitt Romney look good.
 Obama did get a bit of a break, however. The remark was made on Friday, when hardly anybody watches the news. Better still, it was probably overshadowed by a news story that more people cared about: the horse that won the Kentucky Derby and the Preakness and was going for the Triple Crown on Saturday at Belmont was scratched because it has a swollen tendon.
 The name of the horse is “I’ll Have Another.”
 That’s probably what Obama kept saying at the White House open bar well into the night after a rough week.
 What President Obama needs now is a song. He would be best served by a melancholy ballad like one by the great Frank Sinatra, who called himself as a saloon singer because he spoke through song for broken- hearted people who were drowing their sorrows.
 So, sung to one of Ol’ Blue Eyes greatest hits “One for the Road,” Barack Obama performing his melancholy riff:
            
“The hour is wee
 nobody’s awake in the White House, ‘cept you and me.
 So pour another one, Joe.
 I’ve been doing a lot of thinkin’
 I think you should know.
 We’re drinking ol’ running mate
 to a record not so great —-
 successes too few and far between.
 So make it one for the first lady
 and one more for Hillary 2016.

 “Joe, I’m sure you know it
 this election, we can still blow it.
 The jobs numbers are sinking us fast.
 But when you gaffe
 you still make me laugh.
 Four years goes by too fast.

  “Well, donors aren’t giving anymore.
  Joe, you  know we could lose
  to a flip-flopper with no core.
  Surrogates have loose lips,
  even liberals are jumping ship.
  We’ve got to turn it around
  more grassroots efforts on the ground,
  or come January we’ll be Cheney-mean.
  So make it one for the first lady
  and one more for Hillary 2016.”

 

27 Comments

Royalty and Romney

    Two news stories of the past week were covered quite differently.
  Appropriately, broadcast news organizations covered Queen Elizabeth’s Diamond Jubilee. But only the newspaper of record, The New York Times, covered the story about the hizzy of America’s royalty, The Romneys.
  First up, her majesty. The Diamond Jubilee was a four-day festive occasion to celebrate her 60 years on the throne (shouldn’t she see an internist for that?) All of Ol’ England was jolly.
  One of the spectacular events of the four-day celebration was a rock concert for her royal highness. Performing were the likes of Paul McCartney, Stevie Wonder, Elton John and Tom Jones. McCartney probably didn’t perform the ditty “Her Majesty” from the “Abbey Road” album. He probably didn’t break out on stage with “Helter Skelter” either.
   Things overheard in the crowd at the concert:
    1. “Speaking of old queens, what time does Elton John take the stage?”
    2. “One would not readily associate Tom Jones with performing for royalty. Apparently, ‘it’s not unusual.’ “
    3. “I hear Kate’s hubby is so taken with the randy hip-hop culture, he now wants to be known as Prince Will.i.am.”
    4. “Now I’ve seen everything: Camilla Parker Bowles is part of the mosh pit.”
    5. “I’m going to have to deck Prince Charles if he asks me one more time if I want to see the family jewels.”

     Meanwhile, much ado about nutin’ was that New York Times spread —- OK, not all of it was complimentary —- about the Romney ocean front property in La Jolla.
   Since the palacious palace is being remodeled it has become somewhat of a drag to some of the snooty neighbors. And Mitt is not always looked upon as a Good Neighbor Sam.
   Conservatives and right wing-nuts are whining that the article is a political hack job.
   Wait a minute. Stop the presses. It’s not like the spread was on page A1 and continued on page A3. It was in the Home section, which is like the D section of a newspaper. You know, where you find articles like “How to tell if your house cat is gay.” Or, “Verandas, are they making a comeback?” Or even, “10 other uses for a spatula (the misunderstand utensil.”)
   Indeed, because it’s the New York Times, the article was comprehensive. But even they left out a few key facts, including:
     1. The car elevator is being installed by galley slaves who are being paid in food stamps.
     2. Home includes massive bird sanctuary, where Mitt houses his pet vultures.
     3. For years the mansion was one of Dick Cheney’s undisclosed locations.
     4. City Council once voted to ban Mitt from swimming in the ocean because the gunk in his hair caused oil slicks.
     5. Next new edition to the property: The Citizens United Golf Course.

2 Comments

Bubba and Barack on Broadway

    Bill Clinton was the featured attraction Monday at a fundraiser in New York for President Obama.
    Bubba was in the Big Apple and he took a big bite out of the Romney candidacy, saying it would be “calamitous” for the country if he would be elected.
    As usual, there were celebrities like Jon Bon Jovi on hand for the fundraiser.
    Since Obama and Clinton were in New York, they could’ve conducted the festivities in a show bidness manner, like a two-man show on Broadway called “A Fine Bromance” (which would probably make Rick Santorum nervous.)
    And if that was the case, it might have gone something like this:
      Announcer: “Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together and your money where your mouths are and give it up for the Dynamic Democratic Duo: President Barack Obama and President Bill Clinton. Bubba and Barack!”
    Obama: Hello, New York! It’s good to be back in the city that never sleeps! And this crowd looks wide awake.
    Bubba: And, ladies, Bubba can still dance the night away. Hillary is still in American Samoa, right?
    Obama: As far as I know.
    Bubba: But before we get down and boogie oogie woogie till we just can’t boogie oogie no more, we’d like to perform a few musical numbers, as a tribute to the Broadway we all know and love.
    Announcer: “Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the Dynamic Democratic Duo’s duet and their tribute to the Great White Way!”
        “You gotta have Drones” (sung to the tune of “You gotta have Heart”)
   Bubba and Barack:
     “You gotta have drones
     fleets and fleets and fleets of drones.
     When fighting the war on terror
     there’s no margain for error.
     Just pick up the phone
     and order more drones.

     “You gotta have air strikes
     triple the number of airstrikes.
     There’s nothing like retribution
     says so in the Constitution.
     Don’t matter what the GOP likes
     triple the number of airstrikes.”

     Obama: Thank you. Ready for the flip side, Bill?
     Bubba: Let’s rock ‘n’ roll.

        “Mitt” (sung to the song “Kids”)
     Bubba and Barack:
        “Mitt. What position is he gonna take today?
        Mitt. Tomorrow he’ll just etch-a-sketch it away.
        Mitt. His gloom and doom is grown tired.
        Mitt. He’s best at telling Americans ‘you’re fired.’
          And while we’re slamming the GOP:
        Reince. Reince Priebus is the RNC chair.
        Reince. Sounds like an illness in need of Obamacare.
        Fox. Fox News fearmongering is redundant.
        Fox. Is it us or is Hannity repugnant?
     Oh, why can’t Mitt Romney hold down a job with steady pay?
     And what position will Mitt take today?”

     Obama: Thanks again. Now before we give our speeches we’d like to tell you about some gifts you can purchase just by giving $10 or more to the campaign. Bill.
     Bubba: That’s right.  For a small donation you can purchased autographed bumper stickers and T-shirts that will help get this man re-elected.
     Obama: Like what items, you might ask. Like this anti-Romney T-shirt: “urBAIN legend.”
     Bubba: Or this beauty pullover for dissidents who see class warfare being raged on the middle class: “ROMONEY for President.”
     Obama: And we can’t forget all those hard-working Americans who lost their jobs because Mittens outsourced their jobs to India. So good folks can wear this T-shirt wherever the middle class is hurting: “It’s not downsize, it’s MITTimize.”
     Bubba: Now, all of the items aren’t of a political stripe, right Barack?
     Obama: That’s right, Bill. We’re still not done courting the youth vote. Here’s a great T-shirt to get a slam in against mom and dad, who try to be hip and abuse the latest intechnology. It’s “Parents need not app(ly).”
     Bubba: Get it?
     Obama: Got it.
     Bubba: Good.
     Obama: And now on to the speeches. Transcripts of which will be sold in the lobby.
     Bubba: And for exercise, join the first lady as she and you try to hit Joe Biden with a dodge ball. Is he alright with that?
     Obama: His punishment for opening his pie hole on “Meet the Press.”
    

 

22 Comments

Movie pitches

   With the release of “Snow White and the Huntsman,” jokes have been made that the failed candidate for the Republican presidential nomination, former Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman, has found other employment.
   OK, so that’s a stretch, but maybe the movie is as well (except for the fact it would be worth seeing just to catch Charlize Theron’s sultry, stealy resolve as the wicked queen.)
   And if a Snow White craze envelops the nation, maybe there will be a sequel. Certainly someone, somewhere in Hollywood might be pitching something like “Snow White and the Seven Deadly Sins.”
   But what about other movies of fairy tales and other genres coming to life on the silver screen with other recognizable names?
   There is, of course, the obligatory “The Gingrich who Stole Christmas.”
   Then there could be Mitt Romney in “Bain Man.”
    One can almost hear some of the dialogue now:
   “Of course it’s five months until election day. Definitely five months.”
   Or: “Uh oh, magic underwear on the highway.”
   Here’s a list of other possible movie titles taken from fairy tales, Disney animated classics and the like:
   1. “Hansel and Greta Van Sustern”
   2. “The Boy who cried Wolf Blitzer”
   3. “Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice in Wonderland”
   4. “Lady and the Trump”
   5. “Little Red Riding Hoodie”
   6. “Who Framed Roger Ailes”
   8. “The Sorcerer’s Celebrity Apprentice”
   9. “Goldilocks and the Three Chicago Bears”
   10. “Snow White and the Seven Samauri”

22 Comments

Dial M for Mitt

    President Obama called Mitt Romney on Wednesday morning to congratulate him for securing the Republican presidential nomination and told him he was looking forward to “an important and healthy debate about America’s future.”
  Sounds pretty civil. But what if the call went a little differently? It could have turned out to be a “Can you top this?” conversation as the two adversaries were trying to psyche each other out.
  Obama: Hi, Mitt. It’s me, Barack.
  Mitt: Did you call to concede the election already? It will save a lot of time and money. But then I have all the time in the world. And the money, too.
  Obama: Right. No, actually I called to congratulate you on buying, uh, winning the Republican nomination.
  Mitt: Ya, and …?
  Obama: And I look forward to an intelligent debate on where we want to take this country.
  Mitt: I was thinking back to 1957. I was 10 and “Leave it to Beaver” was my favorite show. How about you?
  Obama: I’m kind of partial to 1982. I was 21 and just beginning to be influenced by ’60s homegrown terrorists in opium dens on the south side of Chicago.
  Mitt: I knew it!
  Obama; That’s a joke, Mitt. Like you making your birth certificate available when you met with Trump yesterday.
  Mitt: I thought you might appreciate that.
  Obama: I did. But that’s because I knew it was more of a slam at Trump than at me.
  Mitt: Of course The Donald didn’t think so. It went over his head.
  Obama: Hard to believe that anything could go over his head what with that thing on his head.
  Mitt: Everytime I meet with that guy I think that thing on his head is going to eat my face.
  Obama: He certainly can draw attention to himself. He overshadowed you clinching the nomination.
  Mitt: For $2 million in campaign contributions, I can afford to sacrifice a news cycle.
  Obama: I have to think that in your circle of friends,
$2 million is a bar tab.
  Mitt: Well, we are out to drive you to drink.
  Obama: I can hold my liquor.
  Mitt: But can you hold a lead?
  Obama: I finish strong. I am the closer.
  Mitt: Sometimes the best players have to work the refs to get the call in their favor.
   Obama: Like Florida in the 2000 election.
   Mitt: Something like that.

  Obama: Speaking of a call, I rang you at 11:30 because I don’t think you’re up to the task of answering the
3 a.m. phone call.
  Mitt: Nice. I’ll play along. You’re right, the only 3 a.m. phone call I’m qualified to answer is when the tote board tops another million dollars in my offshore account in the Cayman Islands.
  Obama: You really don’t have to do or say anything. Just sit back and let your money do the talking.
  Mitt: That goes without saying.
  Obama: Your Super PAC is going to spend $1 billion to take me down.
  Mitt: Think of yourself as worth every penny they’re going to spend.
  Obama: It’s going to take more than you have to spend.
  Mitt: Are we through here? Time is money.
  Obama: Truth is you’ll never run out of one, but you have until Nov. 6 to run out of the other.
  Mitt: Liberal philosophical hogwash. Anyway, this was good practice for you. Maybe it won’t hurt as much the next time you call to congratulate me.
  Obama: One last thing ….
  Mitt: Yes?
  Obama: This is a collect call.
  Mitt: Next time, Tweet.
 

14 Comments

Trump card

     Dateline: Sin City. Mitt Romney places his $10,000 bet that the fundraiser for his candidacy, hosted by the Buffoon Tycoon Donald Trump in Las Vegas, will dispel once and for all the notion that Republicans are immune to guilt by association.
  Earlier in the day at the White House, President Obama presented Medals of Freedom to a group of great Americans like astronaut/Senator John Glenn, women’s basketball coaching great Pat Summit, and the voice of his generation, Bob Dylan.
  No matter how much money he makes, The Donald will never be in a class with Americans like that. Those Medal of Freedom winners, like the inspirational writer Toni Morrison and the first female Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, are great Americans.
  Trump is, well, what conservative columnist George Will said best, a “bloviating ignoramus.”
  The word ignoramus baffled the bubbleheaded bleached blonde (the female one, not the male one) on Foxholes and Friends, saying she wasn’t familiar with the word. When she looked it up on Wikipedia, her photo was next to the word.
  Some say Mitt Romney is gambling his political career away by apearing with the Buffoon Tycoon in Vegas. Others will tell you he’s just playing his Trump card.
  In any event, things overheard at the fundraiser:
    1. “I heard Trump and Romney are going to have a “You’re fired” face-off.”
    2. “There hasn’t been this much money in one room since Romney dined alone.”
    3. “I tell you, I once saw that thing on Trump’s head suck the life out of a bus boy.”
    4. “Between the wives Trump and Newt Gingrich have had, the Mormon could break out in song and sing ‘Give Me that Ol’ Time Religion.’ “
    5. “Whoever said one is the loneliest number obviously never spent time in the top one percent in this country.”
    6. “Romney saved the 2002 Winter Olympics. Ya. They were held in Utah, and it was the first time the games featured wives-swapping.”
    7. “He should really stop asking, I don’t think Romney is going to be vetting Gary Busey for a running mate.”
    8. “The musical entertainment was going to be Ted Nugent, but he’s on suicide watch until after the election.”
    9. “Romney is right, he has more in common with Bill Clinton than Obama does. Like Clinton, Romney also chickened out of serving in Vietnam. They both had deferrments and they both spent time overseas during that time. Clinton was a Rhodes scholar in England, and Romney was a pesty missionary in France trying to get socialists to join his cult. And they both supported the Iraq War, brought to us by George W. Bush, another draft dodger. Romney is a shoo-in.”
    10. “Those aren’t Republican donors, they’re from ICE. They’re here to deport Trump.”

31 Comments

The Rat SuperPAC

   The Celebrity President in the White House will have some competition for celebrity status this week when Celebrity Wannabe President Mitt Romney will be on the receiving end of a fundraiser in Las Vegas hosted by the host of “Celebrity Apprentice.”
 Newt Gingrich will also be on hand to join Romney and the Buffoon Tycoon himself, Donald Trump.
 Maybe it should be called The Bad Hair Day Tour.
 Some are jokingly referring to the three political amigos as the new Rat Pack, a term that was famously played to the hilt in Vegas in the 1960s by Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr. This time, because of all the money that’s going to be spent to buy Romney the presidency, they should be referred to as the Rat SuperPAC.
 Once again the rules of the game have, well, flip-flopped. President Obama was criticized for his Hollywood fundraiser at George Clooney’s house. But it’s perfectly acceptable for Mittens to play Vegas with The Donald.
 Speaking of playing Vegas, one can imagine the Buffoon Tycoon trying to rehearse Mr. Roboto and Newtered for how they will entertain all the fat cats at the fundraiser. It might be going something like this:
 Trump: This is how it’s going to be. I will be Sinatra, the leader of this exclusive Rat SuperPAC. Let’s face it, I’m more Frank than you two.
 Mitt: Excuse me, but may I interject something here? If you’re Frank, then who am I? I’m the one running to be leader of the free enterprise world.
 Trump: I’ve decided you’re going to be Dean Martin. Dino. He had greaseball hair just like you.
 Mitt: If I may interject again. If we’re talking about hair ….
 Trump: Do not make fun of the hair, or you won’t be president.
 Mitt: Right. Sorry.
 Trump: Frank was the chick magnet. Need I say more? As Dino, you can have the skirts I discard like so many runners-up in a beauty pageant.
 Mitt: But I’m a happily married man. I’ve been married to one woman all of my adult life.
 Newt: Not me.
 Trump: I don’t remeber saying you could speak, Newt. You’re here for comic relief. Maybe we’ll have you perform with a monkey, since you like animals so much. No wonder the GOP was called a circus.
 Mitt: If we want to play up the circus angle, we can always bring Rick Perry on board. Now there’s a clown. [laughs]
 Trump: Yet another lame idea from the man who tied his dog to the roof of his car. By the way, curb that creepy laugh of yours. You sound like Snidley Whiplash from the old Dudley Do-Right cartoons.
 Newt: I could be the lion tamer.
 Trump: I could get a penguin to bite you in an uncomfortable place.
 Mitt: I’m sorry, I wasn’t really listening. All I heard was penguin. So Dick Cheney is going to show up.
 Trump: If you guys were on my show “Celebrity Apprentice ” —- Sundays on NBC —- you would both lose to Gary Busey.
 Mitt: Speaking of TV, I heard Fox News is going to cover the fundraiser. Free advertising. And the commercials will be the ones created by our SuperPACS.
 Trump: And like the Super Bowl, the show will premiere the spectacular commercial for the new line of Mitt Romney sports footwear.
 Mitt: You mean…?
 Trump: Yes. The Etch-A-Sketchers.
 Mitt: Is it the spot where Chuck Norris is running down an Occupy Wall Streeter and then leaves the trademark from the bottom of the product on the punk’s face?
 Trump: That’s the one. There will be others. It’s going to be huge.
 Mitt: I love venture capitalism.
 Newt [laughing]: Not vulture capitalism?
 Trump: So I’m Frank, Mitt is Dino, so that must make you…
 Newt [nervously]: Sammy Davis Jr?
 Trump: In a way. But since we’re the party of the angry white guys —– some of us forunate enough to have trophy wives — and lots and lots of money, that will have to change. So I’ll make you the albino in the trio.
 Newt: An albino?
 Mitt: You are the saltine mo’fo of the group.
 Newt: I don’t have to become Jewish, do I? I mean, I just turned Catholic and I can’t sleep at nights because of all that guilt stuff.
 Mitt: If I may interject, again. Maybe we should leave religion out of this.
 Trump: Finally an idea from you that actually makes sense.
 Mitt: What about the birther stuff? If I may be so direct, I’m uncomfortable with that.
 Trump: Let me deal with that. As Frank, I’m going to retitle and rework some of Ol’ Blue Eyes’ hits as it applies to this president.
 Newt: Like what?
 Trump: That’s good, be the straight man. For example, Frank’s “Birth of the Blues” will become “Birther the Blues.” And “Come Fly with Me” becomes “Come Fly with Me to My Birthplace in Kenya.” And of course, after Nov. 6, “All the Way” becomes “All the Way back to Kenya.”
 Mitt:  If I may contribute, “High Hopes” could become “We had such High Hopes.”
 Trump: Better yet, “We had such High Hopes of finding your birth certificate.” But yours is good, too. I just might let you allow me to give the keynote address at the Republican National Convention.
 Newt: How about if you sing one for your wife? You can call it “The Lady is a Trump.”
 Trump and Mitt (in unison): You’re fired.
 

 

8 Comments

CEO vs. community organizer

     Community organizer vs. CEO.
  Maybe this presidential election is more like “Alien vs. Predator.”
  Of course, President Obama is the “Alien,” according to “birthers,” who don’t believe he was born in America, Or other right wingers who believe he’s either a Muslim, a socialist, a communist, a devotee of homegrown terrorists, or a bell pepper.
  Meanwhile, Mitt Romney is the “Predator.” He’s the “vulture capitalist” (thanks for that one, Rick Perry) who preyed on businesses when he was in the private sector at Bain Capital, where he enjoyed firing people.
  Before entering politics, Obama was a community organizer who worked with the poor to help lift them up where they belong. He was a Harvard law school graduate who could’ve worked in the private sector —- Wall Street, even.
  He coulda been a contender. He coulda been a somebody, instead of a wimp, let’s face it.
  Unlike Romney, who came from money, knows money and made a lot of money for himself and his investors.
  But you have to ask yourself, what would Jesus do if he had to choose between the two professions?
  The community organizer or the CEO?
  The helper or the money-changer?
  It’s a moot point, because Jesus isn’t in the position to have to get the economy out of the dumper. Still, there are religious zealots who believe if you elect the more Jesus-worthy among the candidates, all things will work itself out.
  The GOP and the religious right continue to make religion and politics the issue. They believe Obama isn’t a Christian and that he has declared war on religion, especially when it comes to his stance on contraception and same-sex marriage.
  So Jesus is fair game in this discussion. Would he have it in his heart to put people out of work and, by doing so, pocket money?
  Greed vs. those in need.
  “Corporations are people, too,” Romney famously said. Only wealthier. Not that there’s anything wrong with being wealthy, unless it’s accomplished by making others suffer so your corporate raider buddies can fly in a private jet to visit their Swiss bank accounts.
  Greed vs. those in need. Indeed.
  What would Jesus do?
  Consider the two titles:
  Community organizer. The key word here being community. Fellowship. Society at large.
  Chief Executive Officer. Sounds a bit like a Roman tribune.
  Romney is counting on voters to keep on believing in the American Dream, which emphasizes going from rags to riches. Who wants to be a millionaire?
 
The American Dream never emphasizes becoming a humanitarian.
  Maybe Romney would be better suited as Treasury Secretary.
  One thing is certain, though, if you worked for 25 years in the private sector as a CEO and you were responsible for just one American losing his or her job, you don’t deserve to be president.
  
  
 

41 Comments

Future fundraiser

     It was announced that former Vice President Dick Cheney will host a fundraiser for Mitt Romney in July. Because when you think master of ceremonies at a fundraiser, the name Dick Cheney comes immediately to mind.
    Those Obama isn’t working, Solyndra, stimulus package, and Obamacare jokes ought to be a hoot. One can only imagine the fomer Veep bringing the funny:
    “I look at Obama policies over the last 3 and a half years and they get on my case for torture.”
    “I haven’t got the heart for another four years of Obama —- and most Americans don’t have the stomach.”
    “This president likes to sing. In November he’ll be singing his swan song.”
    No doubt the laughs will be accompanied by cheers and sneers.
    Cheney’s loyal daughter Lizzie Borden Cheney will be at his side at the fundraiser. Unless it conflicts with her psychiatrist’s advice to her that she attend that retreat for girls with really, really serious daddy issues.
    But what would happen if the comic they hired to bring on the funny went off-script and tore into those in attendance? Before those in attendance went after him with torches and pitch-forks, it might go something like this:
     Comic:
          “Good to be here tonight, Mr. Vice President . I can assure you that Mitt Romney’s heart is in the right place. Have you checked to see if yours is?
        We don’t want to make the Veep laugh too hard. If he does, his mechanical ticker will set off the water sprinklers.”
        I havent seen this much jewelry in one place since I had dinner with the Gingriches.
        What’s the difference between the jewelry worn here and the jewelry worn at an Obama fundraiser? It’s worn by women here.
        I can tell the Veep liked that one. He gave it two sneers instead of one.
        But seriously, folks. There’s a lot of money in this crowded hall. Almost as much as Mitt Romney made off with while at Bain.
        You can tell the Koch brothers are here. Mitt Romney is waiting their table.
        Karl Rove is also here. Everybody is enjoying their prime rib. So is Karl. He’s the only one who ordered his raw.
        The Veep is OK with same-sex marriage. It’s true. That’s because he has a family member who is gay. So why’s the other one called Lizzy?
        I had a campaign jingle in mind for Lizz if she ever decided to run for a seat in the House of Representatives. It was a hip-hop number called ‘Let’s put Lizzy in the Hizzy.’
        Reince Priebus. If reince forms on your priebus, don’t worry, penicillin cures it. What? Oh, Reince Priebus is the chairman of the Republican National Committee?
        Everybody’s favorite parlor game is who will be Mitt Romney’s running mate. Lot of potential candidates. How about Tim Pawlenty? Or as I like to call him, Pawlenty of nothing. On the 100 most respected Americans list, Tim finished behind Flo the Progressive Lady and just above the Tanning Mom.
        How about Marco Rubio? He’s young, conservative and from the key swing state of Florida. Too bad everybody associates his name with the guy who got divorced from Jennifer Lopez.
        Mitt Romney says it’s he, not Obama, who has more in common with Bill Clinton. He may have a point:
        Mitt Romney likes to skirt issues and Bill Clinton has had issues with skirts.
        Mitt Romney once tied a dog to the roof of his car. Bill Clinton once tied up Monica Lewinsky on the roof of the White House and played ‘When King Kong first laid eyes on Fay Wray.’
        Mitt Romney also likes to wear pants suits. Wait, that’s Mitt Romney has more in common with Hillary Clinton….
        Hey, where’s everybody going? I still haven’t talked about our next fundraiser…. Whoa! Watch where you’re pointing that pitch-fork!”

17 Comments