BrunOpinions

Say it ain't so, O

2009-11-21T02:22:07Z

       More breaking news about the H1N1 vaccine? Are there enough votes for the health care plan? What's the latest about whether more troops will be sent to Afghanistan and when?
       No, these stories didn't lead the TV cable news. It was Oprah announcing that she's leaving her show in September 2011.
       The Goddess of Gab grabbed the headlines away from "Death Panels" Palin, who dominated the week with her Magical Herstory Tour.
       The Estrogen Emperess of Entertainment got her highest ratings in two years with the Palin appearance earlier in the week. By the week's end, the Big O buried the Palin phenomenon and grabbed that media attention with news that shook the world.
       Palin is not now, nor will she ever be, in Oprah's league. Palin's still in the minors. Call it a Bush league.
       Oprah's planned date of leaving in September 2011 is perfect timing --- that's when her final payment is due on the purchasing of America.
       So millions of women ---- and two men ---- won't know how to run their lives, how to think, what to be force-fed when it comes to which books they should read.
       Oprah said she did a lot of praying over the decision to hang up the show. Oprah praying to God is redundant, isn't it?
       There's a lot of ----- and going to continue to be ---- deifying of the Goddess of Gab.
       She's got her own network but she still can't see around corners.
       In any event, 2011 will only be the beginning for the Big O.
       We could see 24 hours of Oprah everything. Oprah in a sitcom. Oprah in a drama. Oprah hosting a variety show. Oprah performing the sermonette.
       Or maybe by 2011 she won't be satisfied until she gets Leno's 10 p.m. time slot.

Dream Ticket 2012

    A more frightening thought than the world actually coming to an end in 2012: The Republican Party ticket of Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck for president and vice president. If this would turn out to be a reality, we'd be praying the Mayan calendar was right about Dec. 21, 2012.
    "Death Panels" Palin, while on her whirlwind-will-this-never-end book signing and saying nothing new Magical Herstory Tour, actually said "I have deep respect for Glenn Beck."
    Just when you thought Palin couldn't prove to be more of a numbskull.
    Think of it, though. Palin and Beck .... whatever could their campaign buttons and posters say.....
    1. Wink and Missing Link
    2. Moose and Squirrely
    3. Doesn't Read and Nose Bleed
    4. Nuts and Putz
    5. Hockey Mom and Hockey Puck

    The gruesome twosome are better suited for TV.
    Reality TV would be ideal. A sitcom even better.
    Or how about a cartoon show, since the two are excellent caricatures of themselves anyway?
    Presenting an updated version of "The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show" with Palin as Rocky and Beck as Bullwinkle.
    President Obama and first lady Michelle would of course play Boris and Natasha since the two of them are Muslim-communist-Nazis anyway.
    The big difference in this version is that Fearless Leader --- played, naturally, by Dick Cheney --- is the overlord of Rocky and Bullwinkle.
    Fearless Leader: "Moose and Squirrel, you must defeat Boris and Natasha and re-implement my plan to regain my stranglehold as Puppet Master so America can once again be stupid. Remember, when America thinks, everything just plain stinks!"
    There will also be a "Fractured Fairy Tale" segment with former Miss California Carrie Prejean featured in "Snow White Chick and the Seven Dorks attend a Tea Party."
    In this tale, Carrie tries to change the title to get the word fairy eliminated while waiting to be saved by Prince Donald in the land of Opposite Marriage.
    Meanwhile, the Seven Dorks (Roger Ailes, Rupert Murdoch, Sean Insanity, Baba O'Reilly, Rudy 9-11, Michele "They're coming to take me away" Bachmann, and John "Bad Tan" Boehner) show up at the wrong rally and instead attend a gay parade and are introduced to another form of "tea-bagging."
    But all ends well when Dick Armey and his militia rescue the Dorks before they are forced to all dress like Dorothy from "The Wizard of Oz" and sing "Whistle while you jerk."
   And no "Rocky and Bullwinkle" would be complete without that aside they always did inbetween segments --- when Bullwinkle thinks he could perform magic.
    Only this time....
    Bullwinkle: "Hey, Rocky, watch me pull my head out of my ass."
    Rocky: "Again? That never works...."

New words

2009-11-19T02:27:54Z

   The New Oxford American Dictionary's word of the year is unfriend, which means to remove someone as a friend on a social
networking Web site like Facebook.
   Any hip person knows that the term is actually defriend.
   Be that as it may, the dictionary may have missed a few when they considered new words. Here are just a few:
   1. Foxholes: Term for people who drink every drop of Kool-Aid Fox News serves up and who can recite every hate-laden and fear-mongering talking point drilled into their tiny brains.
   2. Olbermen: Extremely liberal guys with big heads who wear glasses and could be in Keith Olbermann's fraternity because they're walking statistics when it comes to sports and tend to have a comment on everything.
   3. Homophobicaerobics: The fear of being in an exercise class next to a gay person.
   4. Debitoids: Name for people in supermarkets who hold up the line because they still haven't learned how to use their debit cards when paying for groceries.
   5. Spielbergian: Any movie featuring a lonely young boy who is smarter than adults and is somehow put in peril but is befriended by a cute special effects creature who, together, save the planet.
   7. Orgasmicfood: Referring to TV commercials that show couples at restaurants who look and act like they're having sex instead of dinner.
   8. Donemployed: Still another way of saying that you're not working, or have been fired.
   9. Dis-an-datters: Name for people in front of you at a fast-food drive -thru who are apparently trying to revise what's on the menu because they can't make up their minds from what's being offered. "Can I get dis with dat? What if I wanted to get dat with dis?"
   10. Cellphoneys: Name for people who talk real loud on their cell phones in public places about something that's absolutely of no significance.
   11. Wasillies: People who swarm to Sarah Palin and worship at the feet of the Alaskan Avalanche of Awesomeness. Named for the town of Wasilla where Palin can see dollar signs from her house.
   12. Obamaniks: Old hippies and beatniks who believe it was their generation that changed the world and was ultimately responsible for getting Obama elected.
   13. Beckerwoods: Name for people who hinge on every word Fox Noose's Minister of Propaganda Gelnn "Goebbels" Beck spews.
   14. Commentary fairy: A person at work or at a function who gets involved in every conversation --- especially if he wasn't supposed to be involved, intentionally or unintentionally.
   15. Joke-interruptus: A person who tells the punchline to a joke before the person telling the joke gets the opportunity.

Prime time Palin

2009-11-18T02:23:34Z

           Sarah Palin week continues with the Alaskan Avalanche of Awesomeness appearing on several TV shows:
           1. "30 Rock": Palin fills in for Tina Fey as Liz and it freaks out Alec Baldwin's character so much that Baldwin has to take time off from appearing on every other show he's been popping up on. First though, Baldwin and Palin argue over who is more over-exposed.
           2. "Lie to Me": Palin does some fancy pageant walkin' to dance over the facts in her book that skirt the truth.
           3. "How I Met Your Mother": Levi Johnston and Palin are reunited for a nostalgic look at how Bristol and "cougar bait" hooked up and eventually almost became a family.
           4. "Wife Swap": Palin is duped by Bill Clinton when Bubba e-mails her that the coffee with Hillary meeting is on.
           5. "The Jay Leno Show": Palin, via satellite, answers Jay's questions in the "10 at 10" segment:
                1. Leno: Are you going to look at Levi Johnston's photo spread in Playgirl magazine?
                 Palin: Hokey-smokes, no! It was bad enough that Bristol had to see it.
                2. Leno: Johnston is a lot like Johnson. hee-hee, hee-hee: Get it?
                Palin: You bet'cha. In fact, Todd has a saying about that: "Lucky for him I'm an easy-going guy, or Levi would be separated from his Johnston right about now."
                3. Leno: Do you think Levi will come on the show and try on several pair of tight-fitting Levis and mud wrestle with Kevin?
             Palin: I'm sure "Ricky Hollywood" would do just about anything for publicity right now. Do you have any questions about me?
           4. Leno: Ya, ya, in a minute. hee-hee, hee-hee: Could you see Levi's Johnston from your house?
           Palin: What are you, 12-years-old?! Can we get off Levi Johnston?
          5. Leno: hee-hee, hee-hee: Hey, Kev, she said "get off" and Levi in the same sentence. hee-hee, hee-hee. OK, OK. So, I understand "Going Rogue" wasn't your first choice for the title of your book, is that right?
          Palin: Yeppers. "Paranormal Activity" was already taken.
          6. Leno: Who would win in an all-out ---- meeouch! ---- catfight between you and Katie Couric?
          Palin: Aw! You have to ask, Jay. No contest. That scrawny little twerp wouldn't last 10 seconds with the Sara-cuda. I'd knock her into next Tuesday and all she'd be able to do is read books and magazines because she'd be laid up.
           7. Leno: Speaking of books and magazines, have you even read your book?
           Palin: Naw. Gotta keep up my image. I understand it was a best-seller even before anybody had a chance to read one word of it. So why bother? Anyway, I'm waiting for the movie.
           8. Leno: You anticipated my next question: Who would you want to play you in the movie? Angelina Jolie or Tina Fey?
          Palin: Everybody says Tina Fey is the obvious choice, but only I could possibly play me.
         9. Leno: Oh, then a whole other role for you ---- actress. Would that career move prevent you for running for president in 2012?
          Palin: Well, as I'm sure ya know, Jay, there was a president who was an actor first.
         10. Leno: Oh, so you are going the Ronald Reagan route to the White House, aren't you?
          Palin: Uh-huh, uh-huh. Well, except for the forgetting stuff.
                       Leno: Well, I'll certainly never forget this.
                       Palin: I'm sure you won't.
                       Leno: It's been a pleasure.
                       Palin: I'm sure it was.
                       Leno: We should do this more often.
                       Palin: You always need a ratings boost.
                       Leno: hee-hee, hee-hee: You bet'cha.

                   Bow ...... Wow!

         Right-wing nuts have gone berserko grande over President Obama bowing to the Japanese emperor when the two met earlier this week.
         Our leaders aren't supposed to bow to any foreign leader when they're on foreign soil.
          Presidents don't bow. Haven't we learned anything from the Bush years?
          When in China, presidents are supposed to look like dumb asses trying to walk out two big locked doors.
          Conservatives are outraged at this president's bow. No Republican would ever do that.
          You are wrong, Idi Amin Dadda breath.
          There is an iconic photo from 1971 of Dick Nixon bowing to Emperor Hirohito ---- the guy who ordered the bombing of Pearl Harbor.
          There is a photo from the 1950s where President Eisenhower is slightly bowing to French President Charles DeGaulle. Sacre bleu! Freedom fries for everyone!
           And who could forget W. kissing and then holding hands with Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah when the oil miser paid a visit to the oil belonging to the Bush family in 2005.
          The theory that elephants never forget is bunk. Selective amnesia is more contagious than H1N1 in the body politic.
           Fox Noose was all over this like The Bush Administration on imaginary weapons of mass destruction.
          Did the Noose fact check when they said never in the history of the presidency has a president bowed to a foreign leader?
          Why bother. They decide, then report.
          Should Obama have bowed to the emperor? No. The prez wants to prove too often that he's not from the cowboy diplomacy school.
           We get all that. But don't be so dang by the book. Sometimes you have to be what you are ---- the leader of the greatest country in the world.
           Not an equal. Because there are no equals. Other countries know that --- and expect nothing less.
           Obama has got to stop thinking that less is more.
           Stop acting like the shy kid at the party.
           Ask the prettiest girl to dance.
           You've got the clout.
           Only after she curtseys is when you should bow.

America's guilty pleasure

2009-11-17T01:56:13Z

      Welcome to Sarah Palin week.
      The gift that keeps on giving is the nation's early Christmas present.
      Sarah Palin this and Sarah Palin that. All week long.
      Are you ready for some Palin? You bet'cha!
      More stories about herself and her Todd and her kids.
      And the big, bad news media that has scrutinized her every move, but who she can beat like a bass drum.
      Is is just a coicidence that her book is number one the same day that the global doomsday special effects flick "2012" is number one at the box office?
      People love disasters, no matter in what form they're presented: movies, books, real-life car crashes.
      But "Death Panels" Palin isn't available to talk about the economy, Afghanistan, or health care. That would mean she'd have to be taken seriously.
      And Sarah Palin should never be taken seriously.
      Except for her availability.
      Oprah's got her for a sit down. Seriously. All the ladies in the audience will probably be told to look under their seats for a free copy of Palin's book. Signed!
      No mano e mano here, thank you. More like diva e diva.
      Oprah asked Palin if she planned on running for president in 2012.
      Palin responded by saying "it's not on my radar screen right now."
      Frightening to even think what would be on Palin's radar screen.
      If Palin wants to prove she can handle anything other than talking about herself or how the media mistreated her or how she is the mouthpiece for right wing nuts, she'll take on another interview with that cagey, manipulative, sinister, got-ya journalist Katie Couric.
      But Palin doesn't have to prove anything. Except for the fact that if she's ever elected president she would be living proof that the country could actually elect someone dumber than George W. Bush.
      Palin is an empty vessel. A sports broadcaster wannabe who has no business in politics, unless it's to succeed at reducing it to a level of incompetence not seen in our lifetime.
      Mission accomplished.
      However, Palin is a celebrity we just can't get enough of. She's not in Obama's league, but rather Jon and Kate's.
      America seems to like its celebrities who give off the impression that they may not be smarter than a fifth-grader.
      No matter, everything she says and does gets instant media coverage. And the media will cover anything ---- including stuff fifth-graders would find insulting to the intelligence.
      Palin seems unaffected by bad publicity ---- and there's plently of it, some brought on by herself (which she'd never fess up to) and some by her almost son-in-law, Levi "cougar bait" Johnston.
      Maybe it's the old theory that there is no such thing as bad publicity, but she goes on and on. Like an Energizer bunny that can do some fancy pageant walkin.'
      Palin supporters think she could do no wrong. She quites her job as governor of Alaska to make money on the lecture circuit and by writing a book.
      And members of her party praised her for that ---- including John McCain, who we have to thank for her. Maybe they're all just secretly hoping she'll stay out of politics.
      She's elected to an office but quits halfway through, leaving her state and its people in disarray, and she's applauded for it.
      Sure, why not take advantage of your new-found celebrity status and get on Oprah. Screw the people of Alaska.
      On the other hand, Palin had the stones to announce that she was quitting as governor of Alaska right smack dab during the media hype over Michael Jackson's untimely death.
     And it worked. She actually got the media to stop its wall-to-wall coverage of Whacko. At least for that, she should be complimented.
      The honeymoon with Obama is long gone, but the infatuation with the Alaskan Avalanche of Awesomeness continues.
      The public seems content with Palin ---- maybe because they see her as the proverbial train wreck waiting to happen.
      Still, every cable news network is acting like teenyboppers at a Jonas Brothers concert covering the continuing Palin phenomenon.
      The more liberal venues keep putting up stats from a poll that says 70 percent of the public doesn't think Palin should be president.
      Fox Noose continues to swoon, waiting for her exclusive interview later this week (they're vacuuming the red carpet now.)
      A few female reporters over at MSNBC giggled like schoolgirls when they read a passage from Palin's book "Going Rogue" where she was going ga-ga over how hubby Todd looked without his shirt on.
      Obviously Matthew McCaughnehey will play Todd in the movie version.
      So if the public doesn't think Palin should be president, what's all the fuss about?
      How about taking a poll asking if the public is sick of hearing Palin's whiny voice all the time and hopes that she go away?
      Enough with the media is bias toward her. The media continues to follow her every move. It could be viewed as stalking. Palin could get a restraining order.
      But restraint isn't in Palin's vocabulary. Nor are a lot of other words, but that's another story.
      Palin has lasted longer than many highly-paid pundits would like to admit.
      She should've gone away after the McCain loss last year. And she might have, had she been allowed to also give a concession speech like she planned.
      One could only imagine how that speech would have gone down. The Republican Party may soon come to regret not letting her speak then.
      In spite of that, Palin endures ---- and that's due to the celebrity-itis that still has the nation by the throat.
      Celebrity, the term the McCain campaign used to try to drub the Obama campaign.
      The GOP didn't only create a celeb with Palin, it created a monster.
      She's the first true diva in politics (if you don't count Rudy 9-11.)
      The Thrilla from Wasilla .... drilla, baby, drilla.
      Palin is America's guilty pleasure.
      Like some macho sports figure whose favorite movies are musicals.
      Or some fanatic evangelical whose porn collection would make Madonna blush.
      It would be easy to say that Palin is smarter than a lot of her detractors think. But that would be ridiculous.
      She certainly is savvy. She's a sharp businesswoman who is making a lot of money in a shabby economy that she would have no idea how to fix if she ever was elected president.
      It's a long way to 2012. Three more years of Palin in the news would turn everybody's brain to bubblegum.
      The media that revels in chewing up politicians and then spitting them out is swallowing everything Palin has to pitch.
      And it's nothing we haven't heard time and again: Media bad, she's not to blame for McCain loss --- or anything, for that matter, she prays for people who say bad things about her, and absolutely no one is "the center of my universe."
      Palin isn't running for president, she's running for talk show host.
      The right wing's Oprah.
      That's where the real power is.
      There's room enough for two Goddesses of Gab in this country. Especially since America is polarized between Obamica and Palin's real America.
      It's not the Democrats who have to worry about Palin in 2012.
      If Oprah was smart, she'd sign Palin up with her production company pronto.
      Then there'd be no worry about Palin ever "going rogue."

Lou Jobs

2009-11-13T02:23:30Z

         There is hope for CNN after all.
          Loopy Lou Dobbs, the cantankerous anti-immigration blowhard, resigned from doing his full of crap daily show.
         Everybody, over the fence on the count of tres.
         The CNN anchorhead vowed to still be heard commenting on controversial issues of the day.
          He said he plans to go to another cable news outlet.
          Could it be.... Fox Noose?
          The Murdoch domain could have quite a quartet: Dobbs, Baba O'Reilly, Sean Insanity and Glenn "Goebbels" Beck.
          The Mount Rushmore of racists.
          Maybe not. How about these potential career moves:
          1. Obama administration appointee as ambassador to Mexico.
          2. CEO of Taco Bell.
          3. The role of Bernardo in a theater-in-the-round version of "West Side Story."
          4. Public relations guru for Balloon Boy. First up, a Balloon Boy float in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
          5. Larry King's towel boy.
          6. Damage control expert for ex-Miss California Carrie Prejean.
          7. Dick Cheney's hunting companion.
          8. An Ed McMahon-type announcer for Sarah Palin when she gets her own TV talk show.
          9. Voice-over for Northwest Airlines commercials with its new slogan: "Over-flying the friendly skies."
          10. Run for mayor of D.C. so you can spin on the classic Ricky Nelson song in a campaign ad: "Hello, Mayor Lou ...."
          CNN no doubt hounded Dobbs off the network. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
          For the last several months he's been acting like a Fox Noose wannabe. Beckerwood was on CNN before Fox saw that his looney tune image was going to waste, so they snapped him up.
          Dobbs would put his neck on the line at the Noose in a minute.
          Is there room for another onionhead in the human vegetable garden?
          Fox really doesn't need Dobbs. It pulled a coup when it got the maniac Beckerwood to come over to the Much Darker Side to articulate the popular rage.
          One more in the stable of the unstable would be overkill.
          Dobbs comes off like a pale imitation of Beckerhead ----- and that ought to make you proud, Lou, having been there with CNN since the humble beginnings in the early 1980s as a newsman.
          TV journalism's second golden age with the advent of 24-hour cable news. The standard by which all others would be measured. Now you're an inch-worm.
          Credibility? Who needs it. Thing of the past. Like your TV career.
          You stayed too long. Unlike Walter Cronkite, who was always dignified and who left with his dignity in tact.
          You're not even left with tact.
          OK, so that's a plus if you want to work at Fox.
          It could be worse, if you were a chick, you'd also have to show a lotta leg.

Roger that

2009-11-12T02:24:12Z

          It takes a while, but sometimes Oscar gets it right.
          The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences will finally give a special Oscar to filmmaker and producer Roger Corman.
          For those not familiar with Corman, he's the man who made tons of "B" movies over the years ------ ranging from those Edgar Allan Poe classics made into scary low-budget flicks from the early 1960s starring Boris Karloff, to hippie biker and druggie movies from the 1960s like "The Wild Angels" and "The Trip," to such tasty treats from the sexy 1970s like "Caged Heat," "Candy Stripe Nurses," and "Big Bad Mama" --- with the forever sexy Angie Dickinson.
          Corman was even there in the 1950s with low-budget creature features like "The Wasp Woman," "Beast with a Million Eyes" and, who could forget, "Attack of the Crab Monster."
          But Corman's real claim to fame is that he was the mentor of some pretty interesting actors and filmmakers over the years.
          Jack Nicholson got his first big break in the Corman low-budget produced "Little Shop of Horrors" as the twisted patient who couldn't get enough pain inflicted by an equally-demented dentist.
           Besides Nicholson, other famous actors got big breaks in Corman flicks, like Robert DeNiro ("Bloody Mama") and Charles Bronson ("Machine-Gun Kelly").
           Ron Howard's first film directing job ---- one "Grand Theft Auto" --- was produced by Corman.
          Howard wasn't the only Oscar-winning director to break out of the Corman stable: Corman also gave future directors Francis Ford Coppola, Martin Scorsese and Jonathan Demme their starts.
          In all, Corman has 350 movie credits to his name.
          And none of them would ever be nominated for an Oscar in any category.
          But for anyone who enjoys a bad movie that entertains, Corman's your guy.
          Corman has been called "The Orson Welles of the Z-movie," but even Welles couldn't top "Citizen Kane."
          Corman never had to worry about living up to such a high standard he set for himself.
          The body of work alone (although not a "Casablanca" in one of them) would justify the Oscar. Recognizing him for nurturing such talent has long been overdue.
          The record might not seem impressive, maybe 12 or so great actors and fimmakers out of hundreds who worked with Corman. But those dozen are the pantheon of the profession.
          If there wasn't a "Little Shop of Horrors" there may never have been a "Five Easy Pieces" or a "Chinatown."
          If not for "Boxcar Bertha" there might not have been a "Taxi Driver" or "Raging Bull."
          Corman didn't make the best movies ---- in fact some of them are downright horrible ---- but his knowledge of talent has been shown to be unequalled.
           Also getting a special Oscar is the great actress Lauren Bacall.
           Bogie's "baby."
          Bacall, she of the raspy voice and those feline eyes, has lived a life that's full and has some scars to show for it.
          A slender beauty, she burst upon the movie scene in the mid-1940s as Humphrey Bogart's love interest in Howard Hawks' "To Have and Have Not." That's the one where she delivers the unforgettable line to Bogie's character: "You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow."
          Bacall made a handful of memorable movies over the years, mostly in the 1950s. She starred with Marilyn Monroe in "How to Marry a Millionaire." But there's a dandy of a comedy from the 1950s called "Designing Women" in which she stars opposite Gregory Peck. Check it out if you get a chance. It's a hoot.
          In the 1970s, Bacall starred opposite John Wayne in "The Shootist" ---- which turned out to be The Duke's last movie.
          Bacall was nominated for an Oscar only one time in her long career, in 1996 as best supporting actress as Barbra Streisand's "The Mirror Has Two Faces."
          "Slim," as she was nicknamed in her movies with the Silver Screen icon, will always be best remembered as the young model turned actress who landed Bogie.
          She's forever a cover girl of the 1940s. The War Years. There's also an iconic photo of her sitting on top of a piano while Harry Truman was tickling the 88s.
          Another important part of her life with Bogie was when they, along with others in the movie business, went to Washington, D.C., to support people in their profession who were accused of being communist sympathizers.
          A liberal lioness, Bacall has always stood her ground as a champion of progressive causes.
          She's fiesty and independent ---- a lot like Kate Hepburn.
          I used to want to be Bogart when I was younger ---because he had his "baby" by his side was a major reason.
          She's the stuff that dreams are made of.

Funk

2009-11-11T02:25:06Z

         An Associated Press poll finds that the country is in a funk.
        The nation's Capital is now Funky Town..
        OK, not that kind of funk.
        Funk you can believe in.
        Mr. Obama is finding out fast what JFK discovered once he was settled in as president ---- that the campaign was a lot more fun.
        Change and hope will get you elected. Unemployment at 10.2 percent will get you booted out of office.
        Jabba the Butt will salivate over this poll (try to get that image out of your mind, Rush Limbaugh salivating.)
        He wants this president to fail ---- and he's getting his wish.
        Unfortunately, the country is also failing. The Butt doesn't care about the country failing as long as a liberal minority is going to get blamed.
        You can hear him chortle right now, "I told you this man was going to ruin the country. Run it into the ground. Friends, this man is dangerous."
        Yada, yada, yada. Un-American blowhard. Like Dick Cheney, Jabba would rather he think he's proven right, than to find that the country is prosperous and secure.
        Fox Noose will revel in the poll's facts ---- giving credence to the "Saturday Night Live" sketch over the weekend satirizing Murdoch's Minions reporting on the Obama administration's "End of an Era" after only one year.
        News like this will only make watching the bullcrap Fox shovels more appetizing for Americans who are already angry at everything.
        Bon appetite, fine young cannibals.
        Obama is becoming a victim of the meteoric rise that wisked him into the White House so quickly. Rapid acension. As fast as technology moved, so did Obama.
        Now it's moving faster in an unfavorable direction than even someone adept with the new technology like Obama can keep up with it.
        Americans are an impatient bunch ---- though we like to think of ourselves as virtuous.
        It's difficult to be patient and optimistic when you're out of work.
        When no revenue is coming in, there's no way you want to hear any politician say bull like they're not going to rest until "every American who wants to work will have a job."
        If it's true that the people vote their pocketbooks, then Obama is going to be a one-termer and voters will tell him they can't spare the change.
        But that's still three years off. The guy's only been in office for a year. Imagine what's in store.
        Obama has been the beneficiary of leading a charmed life, and some of that rubbed off on the nation.
        But that was during the campaign ----- when everyone was full of hope and change. We were so young and foolish back then, weren't we?
        Obama needs to show more of that audacity he once wrote about. It's not that he's not trying --- it's that even politicians in his own party are too scared to try for fear of failure.
        Obama needs to get all Gene Krantz of "Apollo 13" on people and announce "failure is not an option."
        Forget about the revival of Camelot in the White House. We get all that. Good looking family and all. Ya, that's nice.
        Get the other House in order. You know, the one where Joe Lieberman is running roughshod.
        Obama could introduce Joe to that down and dirty female soccer player who yanks opponents' pony tails and wrestles them to the turf.
        The prez could get all evangelical on them and say passing health care, immigration reform, and the climate change bill is doing God's work.
        Hey, if that bozo CEO of Goldman-Sachs, trying to justify the $22 billion bonuses for his slimeballs, can matter-of-factly suggest that he was acting like God would, why not?
        Getting bigger names to help the cold feet Democrats get on board to support your health care bill isn't a bad idea.
        Enter Bubba. Bill Clinton to the rescue. Bubba talked to the good ole Blue Dog Boys in the Senate about getting this health care thing passed in their lifetimes.
        Bubba's the man who rescued those hot Asian babes from that perv Kim Jong Il in North Korea.
        So retrieving health care from the jaws of defeat should be a walk in the park for Slick Willie.
        He did so well back during his first term. If he wants the Dems to learn from his mistakes, chubby interns are going to spend a lot of Saturday nights alone.
        The Democrats are the party of Pogo --- We have met the enemy and they is us.
        Obama tries to multi-task and his critics (even in his own party) say he's trying to do too much.
        Then the poor guy is criticized for not getting anything done that he promised.
        There you go again. Trying to do too much too soon. Rapid acension. No time to stand still. Gotta keep movin.'
        People elected you to get things done. Now they're losing faith and they think the country's moving in the wrong direction.
        Snap out of it. Stop listening to the negative news media with their gloomy predictions.
        Hell, people are going to start believing the movie "2012" is a documentary.
         This is America. It's too big to fail.
         Unless it's the work God has in mind......

Women of the GOP

2009-11-10T01:04:29Z

     During a paid-for speech in Wisconsin last week, "Death Panels" Palin told the crowd "Don't let anyone ever tell you to sit down and shut up."
     Hard to believe that's ever been told to Sarah Palin's face, but a majority of people in the country want her to do just that.
     The gift that keeps on giving is a force in the Republican Party, all right. But she's a token.
     The GOP doesn't seem to like women very much. Unless they're empty-headed political celebrities with no real knowledge of what it takes to lead the country --- like Palin. Or if they're radical right wing-nutty like the insane Congresswoman Michele "They're coming to take me away" Bachmann.
     Palin and Bachmann should leave the Republican Party and run for president and vice president on a third party ticket.
     The Cutie and the Crackpot on the Rogue Party ticket.
     Palin has already "gone rogue" and has shown she doesn't need any old white guy Republicans like Newt or McCain.
     In fact, "Death Panels" is the only Republican who doesn't have to pander to Fox Noose.
     Palin wasn't at that tea-bagger protest last week outside the Nation's Capitol. The venue was too small.
     Right now, the Republican Party needs Sarah Palin more than Sarah Palin needs the Republican Party.
     Party members are too paranoid that white guys are geeting the fuzzy end of the lolipop and see Palin only as the main attraction to get people under their big tent.
     And that's about the size of it. Palin is window dressing for the dysfunctional political family living inside.
     This is a spot-on role for her. She's already proven that she can't govern (the novelty wears off too fast.)
     Her celebrity is not only her greatest strength ---- it's her only strength. Remember when the McCain campaign chastized then-candidate Obama of that?
     More than a few TV political pundits have likened Palin's hitting the road to Real America and making speeches to Ronald Reagan doing the same thing when he was in the wilderness garnering support for his presidential ambition.
     Not even close. She's in it for the money. Reagan had an agenda ---- a conservative vision of getting government off our backs.
     Palin's got a wink.
     Reagan did the leg work.
     Palin just does the fancy pageant walkin.'
     Palin doesn't want to be president. She likes the idea of people believing she could be president.
     Bachmann, on the other hand, is ever scarier than Palin. In fact, Bachmann makes Anne Coulter seem rational.
     The congresswoman from Minnesota wanted Democrats in the House and Senate to be investigated to see if they were anti-American.
     Bachmann organized the tea-bagging "Super Bowl of Freedom" last week to protest Obamacare. There were images of the Holocaust associated with health care, but that didn't seem to phase the tea-bagging thousands ----especially the elected Republicans on the steps of the Capitol, some of who misquoted the Constitution.
     Where's your investigation, now, Michele?
     The Super Bowl of Freedom had all the manic zombie-like parade of a frenzied Fellini movie ---- without the subtitles. Or the clout. Or the class.
     So the only two women the Republican Party lets run rabid are Palin and Bachmann.
     They speak fluid right-wing nuttery without stopping to think of how it is inciting hatred or promoting, yes, anti-Americanism because it is pitting one American against another.
     This isn't just polarizing the nation, but on the verge of paralyzing the nation.
     Protesting is fine, but stick to the facts of the issues.
    Comparing health care to the Holocaust is not fact, it's more fear-mongering. No, it's insane. The person or persons who came up with that poster should be charged and tried for crimes against humanity.
     The tea-baggers' Super Bowl of Freedom was unfortunately taken off the front pages of the papers cross country and on the evening news broadcasts because of that horrific shooting rampage at Fort Hood.
     Next time there's another tea-bagging protest, someone will probably have a sign with Obama's face over that guy accused of killing the soldiers.
     Anything to get attention.
     Just like the Frick and Frack, the Mutt and Jeff, the LaVerne and Shirley of the Republican Party. Sarah and Michele (hey, where's the Gellar?)
     So we end with a song, sung to a Beatles classic of the same name:
     "Michele, ding-dong bell,
     only liberals will forever burn in hell.
     our Michele.
     Michele, everyone can tell
     your brain isn't functioning so well.
     our Michele.
     We want you,
     we want you,
     we want you
     we want you to see a shrink.
     no matter what your followers think.
     it will help when they take you away
     in a white coat that fits all sizes well.
     our Michele...."

Top of the heap

2009-11-06T01:58:29Z

         The 2009 (New York is the greatest city in the) World Series wasn't exactly one for the ages.
         The Yankees won their 27th Fall Classic title. Ho-hum. The Bronx Bombers clinched it in the sixth game against the (double ho-hum) defending World Champions Philadelphia Phillies.
         The Phillies looked like they couldn't wait until the Series was over. And that was while they were playing Game 3.
         Phillies skipper Charlie Manuel managed the team like he was back with the hapless Cleveland Indians.
         Phillies slugger Chase Utley tied Reggie Jackson's home run total for a World Series at 5. But it was all for not.
         The Yankee bench was deeper. Heck, they could've even made room for A-Rod's actress squeeze Kate Hudson to get a turn at bat. Rumor has it she can hit lefties better than the Phillies' slugger Ryan Howard. Who played more like Moe Howard during the Series.
    The Series went according to plan, with Yankee Skipper Joe Girardi even overcoming the ex-Cub factor ---- which in baseball lore decrees that the team in the Fall Classic that field the most ex-Cubs on the the field is bound to lose. Girardi, who won World Series rings as a Yankee catcher, actually went to the Cubs to don the tools of ignorance in the earlier part of the decade.
         No jinx this time. See, the Yankees are too big to fail. Unlike banks in America. The Bronx Bombers are almost mythological in a country that knows how to worship its myths and legends.
         And it's a sure sign that the Yankees' winning the World Series means good times are ahead.
         Or so Yankee devotees (including some sports reporters and historians) will swear by.
         The franchise is so powerful an icon it seems to bring a feeling of confidence that's contagious throughout the nation.
         So that means optimism is stepping to the plate to knock one out of the park. And everyone will start finding work and the economy will turn around.
         Because the Yankees are back on top, baby! As George Costanza might bellow.
         Pinstripes can replace the stripes on the flag. The stars can become dollar signs.
         Love 'em or hate 'em, when they deliver, the Yankees do it up big. Large in a Big Country.
         Brash and arrogant, the Yankees are a metaphor for America: They're the best money can buy and they expect to win. The team with the most World Series titles, as the Yankees go, so go the nation.
         Anyway, the best season for sports ---- when baseball, basketball, football and hockey were available for the sports fanatic to view on any given night ---- ended Wednesday night when the Phillies left disappointed at the new Yankee ballpark.
         The House that Free Agency Built.
         The Series had a few memorable moments: certainly Utley's home runs, and Johnny Damon's steal of second and then catching the Phillies infield asleep and almost matter-of-factly taking third in the same breath.
         Damon, who won a World Series ring with the Boston Red Sox in 2004 before he joined the enemy, was certainly a candidate for World Series MVP, which would've driven a collective stake through the hearts of the Fenway faithful.
         Maybe it was appropriate that the MVP award went to designated hitter Hideki Matsui, who was a baseball superstar in his native Japan before making his mark as New York's own Godzilla. The honor indeed puts the word world in World Series.
         During the post-game honors, the usual suspects were hanging around the winners to get a shot at being with the Big Boys. Looming behind the Steinbrenner family and Girardi and some of the team was New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who had just the day before spent almost as much money getting re-elected as the franchise spent fielding a World Series winner.
   Too bad Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins made the second to the last out. It would've been poetic justice if he made the last out, because prior to the Series getting under way, he was bragadocious and said the Phillies would beat the Yankees in 5 games.
         Like the Al Pacino character says to the Kevin Spacey character in David Mamet's "Glengarry Glenn Ross": "You never open your mouth until you know."
         Rollins' comment was the proverbial bulletin board item to post in the Yankees' locker room for inspiration.
         You know, right next to the photo of Kate Hudson.

Blooper Tuesday

2009-11-05T02:32:17Z

           OK, time to make lemonade out of lemons.
         The tea-baggers got dunked on election night.
         That 23rd District Congressional race in upstate New York that featured the Conservative Party candidate went to the Democrat.
         Bill Owens defeated Doug Hoffman in a race that got special attention because Hoffman had the blessing of Sarah "Death Panels" Palin.
         This was after Palin and her "Let's go Rogue" Republicants shunned the GOP candidate because she was "too moderate" and took it upon themselves to rustle up the fiendish-looking Hoffman and run him as one of their own.
         That was their first mistake.
         By alienating the Republican candidate they in turn helped get the Democrat elected. GOP candidate Dierdre Scozzafava dropped out of the race over the weekend and threw her support to the Democrat. She still managed to garner about six percent of the vote, which may have gone to the loser Hoffman.
         Had the political nitwits like Palin and her fellow tea-baggers kept out of this race, the Republican probably would've won.
         Republicants.
         By the way, guess who else was up there campaigning for the loser Hoffman? That's right, Mr. Tea-Bagger himself, Fox Noose's Minister of Propaganda, Glenn "Goebbels" Beck.
         Nice going, cry-baby. While you're at it, round up your Beckerwoods and send them out on another losing cause.
         And kudos to you too, Fox Noose. Sending people from your network to campaign for a third party you're trying to control. Fair and balanced? You bet'cha!
         The loser Hoffman, who had no business running in the district in the first place (minor detail: he doesn't live there!) actually made it public that Beck is his mentor.
         Scary. Someone who worships Glenn Beck ---- a true Beckerwood --- could have been elected to Congress.
         As if there aren't enough space cadets in both Houses of Congress.
         Speaking of space cadets, Palin came out smelling like a moose on this one. So much for your magic touch (she's actually 0 and 2 if you count the McCain debacle, uh, campaign.)
         Better stick to Twitter, Quitter.
         Keep dabbling on Facebook, beauty queen.
         More fancy pageant walkin' and less talkin.'
         This won't phase Palin, because it doesn't do anything to her personally. She's still powerful enough to influence the many, many more tiny brains out there in her America, a.k.a, the Militia States.
         Beck will come up with excuses for his failure to create even more bonehead leaders in his own image. The excuses are:
         1. "There were other people running against him."
         2. "I should've cried... tried harder."
         3. "Obama's health care terrorist plan terrorized people who were ready to vote for the Conservative Party candidate....Mommy!"
         4. "MSNBC kidnapped Hoffman voters and held them captive in Keith Olbermann's New York Yankees-themed Panic Room until the polls closed."
         5. "It's better to lose an election than to see someone who doesn't worship me win."
         President Obama didn't come out of the night unscathed. Republicans won governors' races in Virginia and New Jersey, the latter state in which Obama campaigned for incumbent Jon Corzine more than once.
         The prez was left with a bit of egg on his face. But the yoke was on Beck and his Beckerwoods.
         Like Cubs fans say every September: Wait until next year.
         2010 is already shaping up to look like it's going to be an interesting and hard fought election year.
         Right now it doesn't seem to be boding well for the Democrats.
         Tuesday's election loses for the Dems weren't as much a referendum on Obama as much as his party in the House and the Senate.
         The Dems could lose seats in the House and Senate. Since the Dems got control of all branches of government, the sentence can now read The Dems should lose House and Senate seats in 2010.
         Although the governors' races reflect what goes on in their particular states and not in D.C., it was apparent by the voter turnout that apathy --- moreso anger at the way Washington is not handling the situation --- spells trouble with a capital T for the party in power.
         Obama, much like Ronald Reagan before him, will still maintain his popularity. He could well be the new Teflon President.
         Still, he and his party need to get it done. Or else the Democrats will be forced to party like it was 1994.
         Since it seems like it would take a miracle to get the Democrats to accomplish anything, next year they may need a miracle to keep themselves in charge.
         After all, you can only count so much on Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin to bail you out.

In a crass by himself

2009-11-04T02:38:04Z

   Jabba the Butt Limbaugh criticized President Obama's middle-of-the-night trip last week to Dover Air Force Base in Delaware, where he observed the return of 18 flag-covered coffins carrying the remains of Americans killed in Afghanistan.
        "It was a photo op," Jabba belched during an interview with Chris Wallace on Fox Noose.
        The slug who from Day One of the Obama administration said he hoped "this president fails" called Obama a "man-child president" who basically was in the Senate for a cup of coffee and then moved on swiftly up the ladder of political success.
        The Butt called the president "narcissistic" and that everything has to revolve around him.
        Duh. He's the leader of the free world. Unlike The Butt, who is merely the defacto leader of the Republican Party and who is narcissistic and has to be the center of attention.
        Jabba even chortled that the president is hell bent on destroying the private sector on purpose, which translates into "a denial of liberty, an attack on freedom."
        There's no doubt Jabba does better ---- has a better forum ---- when his enemies (anybody who is a Democrat, a liberal, and especially a minority) are in power.
        But the hatred he can't disguise that he has for Obama is starting to wear thin. But thin isn't in The Butt's lexicon.
        For a guy who makes way too much money for what he does, he's way too angry.
        Not doing so well with the ladies, fat man? Even with a $400 million contract you couldn't get lucky with the ladies.
        Anyway, it will keep you in the Viagra.
        To even utter nonsense like the president went to Dover to "create the impression that he has all of this great concern" is ridiculous. George W. Bush, for all of his bad decisions like getting us into a war that wasn't necessary, should never be accused of not caring for those who sacrificed their lives for our country.
        No president should.
         Last week when Obama went to Dover to pay his respects, there wasn't a Republican elected to office who would ridicule the president's decision. And the GOP has not been shy in their criticism of this president for practically everything he does.
        But that didn't stop Jabba from regurgitating his comments. After all, he is in a crass by himself.
        And to see the Butt interviewed on Fox Noose is a lot like seeing a eunuch in a harem fanning the fat morphodite.
        Wallace was worshipping at the feet of the Butt (who wasn't wearing socks. Which is OK, since when he puts his he foot in his mouth he won't be tastin
        The questions weren't softball ---- they were wiffle ball.
        Here's a part of the interview that ended up being cut for time purposes:
        Wallace: You say you're probably worth more than President So-and-So.
        Jabba: Kind of like when The Beatles said they were bigger than Jesus, if you believe Nancy Pelosi.
        Wallace: Does anybody believe Nancy Pelosi anymore?
        Jabba: Not if they're Americans who don't want to see this country taken over by feminazis with mental castration as a top priority.
        Wallace: You called President What's-his-Name immature.
        Jabba: I heard he still plays with dolls.
        Wallace: You say he's inexperienced.
        Jabba: He's got Niagara Falls behind his ears. Unlike George W. Bush, who didn't have much between his ears.
        Wallace: But who is a great American nevertheless.
        Jabba: If I say so.
        Wallace: So you think this president is a wuss?
        Jabba: He's not strong. He wouldn't know how to take any action. Unless it was affirmative.
        Wallace: I'll rattle off names of who is a stud or dud as great Americans. Ready? Sarah Palin
         Jabba: She can move mountains, i'm drooling just thinking about her and that wink.
        Wallace: Think she'll be the first woman elected president?
        Jabba: If I say so.
        Wallace: Ronald Reagan.
        Jabba: Great president, bad movie cowboy. See I can poke fun at Republcans.
        Wallace: Was Teddy Kennedy a great American?
        Jabba: I put off answering that for years on end. I always made the excuse, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
        Wallace: Glenn Beck.
         Jabba: My own mini-me. He could be me if he had my lofty position on the world stage, my outrageous contact and my humility.
        Wallace: If Jesus came back to earth right now, what would he say to you.
        Jabba: Can I borrow a few grand? No, seriously, he'd say keep spreading the word that America is heaven on earth. It's the country with the best God, the best family values, and the best chicken wings.
        Wallace: Would Jesus be accepted if he came back to earth?
        Jabba: If I say so.

Third party

2009-11-03T01:31:55Z

      Tuesday is election day and all eyes are on the governor's race in New Jersey. That's because the incumbent Democrat John Corzine is behind in the polls to the Republican candidate. President Obama was campaigning in the Garden State for Corzine, and if he doesn't eek out the victory, it will be a mark on Obama's clout.
      There hasn't been this much interest in New Jersey since the onset of the urban legend of Teamster leader Jimmy Hoffa, who disappeared in 1975, was rumored to have been buried in one of the end zones at Meadowlands where The New York Football Giants play their home games.
       Another key race is in upstate New York where the battle for a congressional seat is being waged by a Democrat and a candidate from the Conservative Party. The GOP candidate dropped out and endorsed the Democrat.
       The conservative Party candidate was endorsed over the Republican by "Death Panels" Palin. Should the candidate win, expect Palin to gloat and take all the credit.
       At face value, that would be a feather in the endangered species cap for Palin. Although the Republican Party may be thinking otherwise.
       Palin certainly is living up to her soon-to-be-released memoir "Going Rogue." She may be in the cat bird's seat with this win and start forming a contending party for 2012.
       A third party ----- regardless of being conservative ----- is needed now more than ever.
       The Republicans are the party of no and the Democrats are the party of way too many alternatives available to choose from.
      Just think if the Conservative Party became so powerful it could do whatever it wants to do and never be questioned? What kind of entertainment would we be subjected to?
      Presenting The Conservative Values Channel (not to be confused with Fox Noose.)
      1. The Census Be Damned: Young conservatives hit the pavement and go door to door to give Americans pamplets containing end-of-the-world scenarios as seen in versions of the Old Testament.
      2. The Sarah Palin network. Endless talking points via Twitter by the former Alaskan governor with fans in Real America. Includes two hours daily of the Avalance of Awesomeness reporting on sports, as well as an hour each time out for selling government stuff on eBay. Hubby Todd has his own segment called "Getting the wife to make money for ya." Audience participation includes trying to put lipstick on a pit bull.
      3. The Rush Limbaugh National Football League. Black quarterbacks need not apply.
      4. The Abstinence Channel: Series for teens who vow not to have sexual intercourse until they're married. Alternatives include making a tapestry of the American flag, listening only to Debby Boone music, commit to memory the insane rants of Ann Coulter, and organize witch hunts to out teens who scoff at abstinence.
      5. Dick Cheney's Hunting With Liberals: The former creepy veepy looks to let bygones be bygones when he takes politicians like Nancy Pelosi and Barney Frank quail hunting.

       Ghoul of the week:
       Last week was Halloween, but the ghouls of celebrity keep haunting the TV news media that seemingly can't get enough of non-talented people who for no apparent (or noteworthy) reason can go on TV and say or do anything.
       At the top of the list is Bristol Palin's nitwit father of her child.
       And it's time for Levi Johnston's 15 minutes of fame to run out.
       The celebrity du jour with no discernable talent finally went too far.
       Last week he appeared on a morning news show (is there really anything newsworthy on those gawd-awful morning shows?) and announced that Sarah "Death Panels" Palin often referred to her child with Down syndrome as "my little retard."
       Ok, way too much inside information. If it's true. And even if it is, we didn't need to know about it.
       For the most part, Palin is an idiot who overdid it with the Letterman thing, but in this case she has all the right to fight back (and she did) against Johnston's accusation.
       The only thing Johnston has going for him now is that he's prime cougar bate: He's young, stupid and obedient.

There's no Halloween in Heaven

2009-10-30T01:25:16Z

        It's appropriate that Michael Jackson's last performance (in rehearsal) was made into a movie and released close to Halloween.
        There was always something macabre about Jackson ---- and that's not taking into consideration the "Thriller" video.
        The guy always looked like he not only just saw a ghost, but became so pale looking he came off ghastly.
        Then there was Whacko wanting to purchase the Elephant Man's bones. Creepy.
        It came as no surprise that his family took so long to bury the guy. Jackson seemed to live in a masoleum anyway.
        His movie "This is It" is at first glance appropriately title, being his final performance. But if you think this is it as far as making money on Jackson post-mortum, human nature ought to convince you the leeches in the business won't stop till they get enough.

This is the first year Michael has to spend Halloween in Heaven. Right now, he's discussing just that fact with former President Richard Nixon.

        MJ: I love me some Halloween. Next to Christmas Day, it's my most favorite time of year because it's when all the little children are at their happiest. Do they celebrate Halloween in Heaven, Mr. Richard Nixon?
        Nixon: Hell if I know. I've never been a Halloween guy. I've worn enough real masks in my life.
        MJ: I remember when I was just a little child someone wanted me to wear a mask of you, Mr. Richard Nixon, but I said, "Oh, no. That's too scary. I want to be Cinderella."
        Nixon: No doubt. I've never been a big fan of little children either. I scared dogs and children. Children smell funny and they can't vote. I'm glad they have their own section in Heaven away from us adults.
        MJ: Not me Mr. Richard Nixon. I thought when I got to Heaven I could spend all of eternity with all kinds of children.
        Nixon: Like hell.
        MJ: Oh, no, Mr. Richard Nixon, Heaven could never seem like Hell to me. If you were happy in your life, then you'll be happy no matter what Heaven is like.
        Nixon: That explains me then.
        MJ: Mr. Richard Nixon, I spent my whole life making people happy. And rich too, but we won't go there. Anyway, maybe if we sang a song together it will make you happy.
        Nixon: Kid, I've been up here for a while and nothing's worked so far. So I don't think singing a song will cut it.
        MJ: Maybe if we did a song and dance.
        Nixon: Ah, I don't know... Nixon doesn't soft shoe.
        MJ: Liza taught me that even the most curmudgeonry of men feel happy and gay when they dance.
        Nixon: Ya, then she married those guys.
        MJ: You know what I think? I think the world never knew the real Mr. Richard Nixon.
        Nixon: Oh yes they did.
        MJ: Fiddley-dee! For my first Halloween in Heaven, I'm going to dress up Mr. Richard Nixon and introduce him to the afterlife as a song and dance man.
        Nixon: You've watched "Young Frankenstein" one too many times, haven't you? I'm not singing "Putting on the Ritz."
        MJ: You'll be the talk of Paradise! A brand new Mr. Richard Nixon!
        Nixon: I don't think even Paradise can stand to hear the phrase "The New Nixon" again.
        MJ: C'mon, Mr. Richard Nixon, I sang a duet with Sir Paul McCartney and finally got him back to the top of the charts.
        Nixon: My grandkids used to listen to that song all the time, and I remember thinking, you'd think that people would've had enough of silly love songs.
        MJ: Trust me, Mr. Richard Nixon. I'm the King of Pop!
        Nixon: Wait until you've been here awhile and see where that gets you. Elvis is still spending the bulk of his time with Hubert Humphrey. Must be punishment for making all those gawd awful movies.
        MJ: I know this is Heaven and all, but it needs cheering up. I thought there'd be harps and angels singing and Halloween candy and children. Lots and lots of children. As far as infinity would allow.
        Nixon: Just because you're in Heaven doesn't mean you can get what you want when you want it. Kind of like dealing with Congress, but on a much higher level. I've been trying to meet my hero T.R. ---- that's Teddy Roosevelt ---- for what seems like an eternity. The closest I got was Groucho Marx in a Rough Riders outfit.
        MJ: I had Halloween all planned at Neverland Ranch. Oodles of peanut butter cups and candy corn and Jesus Juice.
        Nixon: Jesus Juice? Forget it, I don't want to know. Kid, I gotta tell ya, there's probably not going to be any Halloween in Heaven. Too many satanic references. Living dead. Ghosts. Goblins. Not exactly part of the Good Book.
        MJ: But that's not fair, Mr. Richard Nixon. I wanted to perform "Thriller" for the angels and hope that by some divine intervention the little children who are somewhere where I can't get at them would see it too.
        Nixon: I don't know what to tell you kid. I've been here a long time and all it's been is one-on-one conversation with people I wouldn't have been aligned with in life. But at least the climate's nice.
        MJ: You mean......
        Nixon: Uh-huh, this is it.......

Oprah & Sarah

2009-10-28T21:52:10Z

          The Goddess of Gab and the Pageant Princess of Politics will meet for the first time next month when Oprah interviews Sarah "Death Panels" Palin.
          It's the most anticipated meeting of two powerful personalities since Frost-Nixon. Or when Baba WaWa interviewed Kate Hepburn and asked her what kind of tree she'd like to be.
          The only way to top it is if Oprah can somehow manage to get Jon and Kate, the Octomom and Balloon Boy on the same show.
          Another coup for the most famous woman in America whose first name is dyslexic for Harpo. Or is it the other way around?
          The estrogen ego engagement is open to an array of possibilities. The Ying and Yang of Yakking could take on such subject matter as:
          1. The two of them downing shots of Southern Comfort and then see who could pass a sobriety test by doing some fancy pageant walkin'.
          2. Talk about what a dweeb Letterman is.
          3. Come to blows after arguing which one did more to get Obama elected president.
          4. Agree on a future Oprah show about how women can make tons of money by actually quitting a job people elected them to do.
          5. Palin could jump up and down on Oprah's couch while professing her true love for herself.

Then it would be time for the interview. Who knows, part of it might go something like this:

          Oprah: Hey, girl, glad to finally meet you.
          Palin: I bet it is.
          Oprah: There's so much to talk about. But let me start by asking, where is Sarah Palin right now?
          Palin: I'm a non-stop newsmaking money machine.
          Oprah: Your book "Going Rogue" certainly proves that. You know it's going to be in Oprah's Book Club.
          Palin: What an honor for the both of us. When does the club meet? And we don't have to discuss any other books we might have to read, do we?
          Oprah: No. You just get your publisher to put the sticker on the book so more women will be suckered into buying it and believing everything in it because I told them to.
          Palin: Sounds easy enough. I can deal with that.
          Oprah: Speaking of dealing ----- you've had to deal with a lot of things since you were thrust onto the national stage.
          Palin: It's all a part of being a woman in what men still think is a man's world.
          Oprah: So you're saying it's not a man's world after all?
          Palin: We just let them do all the heavy lifting so they can die before us. Then we take off from that and run our lives the way we want to.
          Oprah: You're on to something there, sister girlfriend. Men don't even have an equivalent to me. Not that there could ever be an equivalent to me ----- hey, write that down as a possible theme for a show. But let's talk about your marriage. It's strong. How do you make it work?
          Palin: Todd is in good shape for a man his age ---- but he knows he can't outrun me when I'm in a helicopter with my AK-47.
          Oprah: Ever thought about straying?
          Palin: Hokey-smokes, no! That's like asking me if I ever thought of becoming a Democrat. Besides, you know what they say: why go out for a veggie sandwich when you've got moose at home.
          Oprah: You're a star on the political stage, and men find you hot. I've even referred to you as a MILF. How do you deal with that?
          Palin: I always thought MILF meant McCain Is Like a Father. Then Bristol told me what it meant. I think it's the TV culture that makes everybody think about s-e-x. Hey, I know I'm hot. But what can I do. I'm not going to be like Hillary Clinton and wear pantsuits and look like someone's worst nightmare blind date. I'm getting better with age. That comes from good, Christian living.
          Oprah: So you're OK with men fantasizing about you?
          Palin: Can't do anything about it. But if they try to act on it, it's a karate chop right in the junk.
          Oprah: Works everytime. Now about you and your politics. You've made it clear that your kids are off limits.
          Palin. Ya. Unless I need to use them to advance my political agenda.
          Oprah: Which you've done.
          Palin: You bet'cha. Ask that perv Letterman.
          Oprah: Will you ever go on his show?
          Palin: When H-e-double hockey sticks freezes over.
          Oprah: You've said some pretty nasty things about President Obama when he was candidate Obama. Do you regret any of them?
          Palin: I stand by everything I was told to say about him.
          Oprah: Do you really believe his health care plan would include death panels ---- pulling the plug on granny?
          Palin: I think we don't want to take a chance on it and find out if it's true or not.
          Oprah: OK, enough of the serious stuff. Before we go to break, let's play the game "This one, or that one."
          Palin: I'm as ready as a bald eagle dodging buckshot.
          Oprah: OK, first up: ESPN sportscaster or senator from Alaska?
          Palin: No contest. Get it. That's a sports pun. Give me hockey highlights over cap and trade anyday.
          Oprah: Beyonce or Sheryl Crow?
          Palin: All I want to do is have some fun...
          Oprah: Clooney or Pitt?
          Palin: Pitt. Only because he's a dad with a lot of kids and doesn't care if he has more. Clooney is too Hollyweird liberal. And he has creepy eyebrows. When he gets older he's going to look like Andy Rooney.
          Oprah: Thongs or granny panties?
          Palin: That sounds more like one of the 10 at 10 questions Jay Leno would ask Justin Timberlake.
          Oprah: Should we take that as a no comment?
          Palin: I'm from Alaska, so longjohns ---- in fact, I have a pair with the MSNBC logo on the trap door.
          Oprah: OK, now for the big question: are you planning to run for president in 2012?
          Palin: Too soon to say. I'm still testing the waters to see if I can walk on them. And we'll see how this book thing goes.
          Oprah: And how Mr. Obama does as president. Good or bad, you can't deny he's already made history.
          Palin: You bet'cha. But history can change in the wink of an eye.....

The motivator

2009-10-28T00:01:55Z

          George W. Bush, motivational speaker.
        That's like saying Rush Limbaugh, a study in humility.
        But there was W. on Monday in Fort Worth, Texas, speaking at a business seminar called "Get motivated."
        Take it from W. when it comes to running a business. He was once owner of the Texas Rangers baseball team and made millions for himself in land grabs, shady dealings and allegations of insider trading. Plus he traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago White Sox.
        And we all know how he ran the country, into the ground. The man knows the economy like a fish knows riding a Harley.
        Be that as it may, W. is back in the spotlight. Which is always good news for late-night comics. His best attribute was and will always be he's the ultimate punchline.
        So in that sense, the former president motivates others to make money. If only to further the careers of those in stand-up and as impersonators.
        The press was not allowed to cover any part of the motivational speaking event, which also featured Hall of Fame Steelers Quarterback Terry Bradshaw, former Secretary of State Colin Powell, and Rudy 9-11.
        One can almost imaging what some people were thinking during and after W. conducted his business at the seminar:
        1. "Isn't this the same guy who couldn't get motivated when he was the leader of the free world?"
        2. "When we gonna see Balloon Boy?"
        3. "I liked when he said, 'I'm the motivater who motivates with the motive to be motivational.' "
        4. "If those Northwest Airline pilots were listening to this on tape I couldn't blame them for dozing off."
        5. "Until now, I didn't think anyone could be more of a goober than Terry Bradshaw."
        6. "It was scarier than 'Paranormal Activity.' "
        7. "The only thing I was motivated to do was to say 'nuke-u-lure.' "
        8. "He was doing great until someone gave him the book "My Pet Goat" to read and then he got that deer-caught-in-the-headlights look on his face."
        9. "I thought this was going to be a good place to pick up chicks ------ obviously I took a wrong turn looking for the Bill Clinton motivational seminar."
        10. "I was impressed. I think the former president has finally put to rest that he's smarter than a fifth-grader."

Jabba got punk'd

         Heads must be rolling in the research department at Jabba the Butt Limbaugh headquarters.
         Shocking. Not that heads would be rolling. But that Jabba actually takes time to research something before he sticks one of his fat hooves in his big fat mouth.
         Why check facts when you make up your own? Jabba don't need to check no steenkin' facts.
         Case in point: Last week the blowhard bellowed what he thought was something factual about President Obama hating the United States and the Constitution.
         That'll teach you to think, Jabba.
         Well, the smoking gun the fat bozo believed he had in his grasp turned out to be a hoax.
         Obama's faux thesis at Columbia University dissing the founding fathers and the Constitution was a prank, put online in August as a satire.
         The joke's on you, Jabba.
         Before he realized he got punk'd, Jabba tore the president a new one, ripping him for hating on America.
         The concocted thesis had Obama saying the Constitution is flawed, as well as mumbo-jumbo about the redistribution of wealth.
         Jabba picked it apart like it was a whole Thanksgiving turkey all to himself. The Giant Mouth Sore swallowed it.
         What a tool.
         So what did this Paragon of Paranoia, this Behemoth of Bullcrap do once he was faced with the fact he'd been punk'd?
         What he always does ------ can't admit that he was wrong. Or apologize for leading his listeners astray ( no need ---- that's what he's paid to do anyway.)
         So how does he cover up the egg on his face? By feeding his Butt-pluggers rotten omlettes.
         There's truth in satire, Jabba belched on air. "That's how Obama would think."
         Wrong, oxycontin breath. But thanks for playing the game anyway. Big Pharma, tell the pillhead what he's won.....
         Jabba, next time you believe you have a smoking gun, it might help with whatever credibility you have with actual thinking people that you don't shoot yourself in the foot with it.
         It's already the embodiment of an American tragedy that you're getting paid way too much money to keep shooting your mouth off.