Fantasy football

    Los Angeles almost got an NFL team. The lowly Minnesota Vikings looked like they might move to La La Land.  Or as Fox news calls it, Gomorrah.
  Seems fair, it was The Minnesota Lakers professional basketball team that moved out West to become the L.A. Lakers during the 1960 season.
  Of course the L.A. team kept the Lakers moniker. Worked well in Minnesota with its land of 1,000 lakes.
  Even though the Lakers name is a staple in L.A., it doesn’t fit the state. There are about as many lakes in California as there are kind things to say about anybody from Dick Cheney.
  At least the Laker moniker isn’t as bad as, say, the Utah Jazz.
  Had L.A. landed the Minnesota team, they probably would’ve dropped the name Vikings. The word viking can take on one too many weird images in L.A.
  Some day when L.A. does get an NFL team, the owners and big money people involved will probably have a contest to see who can give the team its new name.
  Just for fun, here are some names those with a controlling interest in the franchise would not take seriously, even in a contest:
     1. The Los Angeles Road Rage
     2. The Los Angeles Dudes
     3. The Los Angeles Cults
     4. The Los Angeles Implants (wait, that would be the cheerleaders)
     5. The Los Angeles Weekend Box Office Gross


      Bonus coverage: More slogans, quotes and random thoughts:
     1. Possible names for rock, punk or heavy metal bands:
         a. Drug-Sniffin’ Dogs
         b. Lapsed Catholics
         c. The Deviated Septums
         d. Karaoke Apocalypse
     2. “Does the name Quasimodo ring a bell?”
     3. “When Serena Williams loses a tennis tournament to her sister, does she experience Venus envy?”
     4. “Fay had her Wray with King Kong.”
     5. “Tailgaters are anal.”
     6. To drivers traveling 35mph in a 55mph zone: “If you were going any faster, you’d be walking.”
     7. To drivers yakking while behind the wheel: “Sit on your cellphone, because that’s where you’re talking out of.”
     8. “Better to be P.O’d than the opposite.”
     9. “I’m not insecure, am I?”
     10. Safe sex slogan: “If you can’t be with the one you glove, glove the one you’re with.”


Hip-hop vs. Flip-flop

    It’s court the youth vote week on the campaign trail, with the primary focus zeroed in on the student loan debt crisis.
   President Obama spoke on college campuses in North Carolina, Colorado and Iowa about the suddenly hot topic du jour. On each stump, he highlighted the emphasis with a personal touch, that he and the first lady just finished paying off their college loans a mere eight years ago.
   Mitt Romney, meanwhile, waved his magic etch-a-sketch and changed positions by more or less agreeing with Obama’s take on how to deal with the issue.
   Obama took the talking points further when he reached out to college kids with his appearance Tuesday night on Jimmy Fallon’s late night show.
   There was the president “slow-jammin’ ” the news with Fallon (“He’s the POTUS with the most-us.”)
   Not to be outdone sucking up to the youth vote, Romney’s son Tagg (Tagg?) will now be referred to as “Hash-Tagg.”
   Speaking of it being from this moment on, Romney’s speech on Tuesday after sweeping five primaries included the slogan “A Better America Begins Tonight.” It’s a tad snarky and self-serving. Romneyish. Besides, Obama is still in the White House and if America is suddenly better, there’s no reason to evict him.
   Romney did have a choice line in his speech when he slammed Obama with “It’s still the economy, and we’re not stupid.” Had he waited and delivered that line in the first debate with the president, it could’ve sealed the deal for him. As it stands now, the phrase will grow tired and weaker if it is repeated ad nauseum throughout the campaign.
   Major issues (as well as which candidate gets to spend more money on negative advertising) will certainly determine who will win in November. But you can’t rule out who is more likeable, trustworthy and, let’s face it, has the beter catch phrases and/or slogans.
    This presidential election could boil down to Hi-Hop versus Flip-Flop.
    The cool cat versus the aristocrat.
   Obama’s image as Joe Cool is cemented in the American psyche.
   Romney’s image was best defined during the GOP primaries in 2008. That’s when one of his opponents, conservative former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee, said that Mitt “looks like the guy who fires you.”
   Cool vs. Cold, for sure. But the general election is just heating up. The forecast calls for scorched Earth.
      Other slogans, quotes and random thoughts of a political nature:
      1. Romney bumper sticker: “Baby on board. Dog on roof.”
      2. Idea for one of Obama’s re-election slogans: “Keep the change.”
      3. Idea for one of Romney’s campaign slogans: “Romney supporters are comMITTed.”
      4. Suggested negative TV commercial jingle for a GOP political ad: “My baloney has a first name it’s O-B-A-M-A.”
      5. Fox News TV ad slogan/jingle supporting George Zimmerman: ” Just like a good Neighborhood Watchdog, ‘Stand Your Ground’ is there.”
      6. “I think, therefore I am not Sarah Palin.”
      7. “If it wasn’t for religion, there would be no guilt.”
      8. Heavenly Tweet of the day: “Enuff. plz stp asking what wood I do.”
      9. “There’s no sex after death. Who knew marriage prepared you for the afterlife.”
      10. You can’t make this stuff up: On Tuesday in Virginia, a man shot his wife and himself at a firearms safety class. “Guns don’t kill people. Irony kills people.”




  One-time pseudo-famous rocker Ted Nugent ranted that he’d either be dead or in jail this time next year if President Obama is re-elected.
  Oh good, we have a choice —– even though it’s a win-win situation.
  The self-proclaimed Motor City Madman, who has been living the life of a mountain man for too long, is a lunatic. A big mouth who has had way too much free time on his hands to cultivate his violent, hateful rhetoric like it was acres of Acapulco gold, which has fried his brain.
  Nugent fantasizes that his lunatic fringe is Braveheart and they need to “chop their heads off” in November. Democrats that is.
  So Nugent met with the Secret Service on Thursday because they apparently take threats to the president seriously. Even this president.
  Well, they met and said case closed as long as Nugent is concerned. Then Nugent got the Secret Service a few ho’s and now everybody’s happy.
  Not only is Nugent a Mitt Romney supporter, but the candidate was on record just a few weeks ago courting the Mad Hatter’s support (which he is now trying to etchy-sketchy away.)
  Of course, Romney wussed out again after Nugent made the inflammatory remarks about Obama and Hillary Clinton. He had one of his minions Tweet that the Mittster thinks both sides need to show some civility. Then Romney went on to tell a crowd that Obama is going to do evil things if he gets elected.
  Nugent made his violence-laced remarks at an NRA convention, and when you look at the video it looks like a mini-Nazi recruitment film with men in the crowd with their nodding their heads like good little fascists.
  Teddy said if Obama is re-elected, America will start to resemble a suburb in Indonesia. Which should make Nugent happy, because that’s the only place where his albums have been selling for the last decade or so.
  Nugent the delusional fancies himself a mountain man patriot defending the Constitution. He talks tough with his guns and paranoia. But he’s a phony and a coward who, like his hero Romney, chickened out of serving in Vietnam.
  Look no further, Mitt, there’s your running mate.
  And, oh ya, Ted Nugent’s music sucks.
  The only way he’ll ever get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is with a tour.
  Maybe the NRA can provide the bus.



A fish out of water

 The Romney campaign would have you believe all that was missing was an orchestra performing Aaron Copland’s “Fanfare for the Common Man.” But that’s not the impression the visuals gave when Mitt “Man of the People” Romney had a staged sit down with hard-working working-class Republicans at a picnic table somewhere in the great state of Pennsylvania.
     The “extremely conservative” was extremely uncomfortable and clearly out of his element. You could believe he needed to have an interpreter present.
     He even knocked the cookies put on the picnic table. If you get a chance, look at the video and notice the face Romney makes when he sees the cookies. It’s as if someone offered him road kill.
     So What was the objective? Possibly to create a new political image. Something like, “Mitt Romney is the kind of guy you’d like to have a glass of lemonade with.”
     Things going through Mitt Romney’s head when he was pretending to listen to the commoners:
     1. “Now I know how Seamus felt when he was strapped to the roof of my car.”
     2. “I’d rather be firing someone. Hmmm… if I was running against me, that would be an ideal bumper sticker for Democrats to say should be on my car…”
     3. “Chim-chimeny-chim-chimeny-chim-chim-cheree….”
     4. “The guy to the right of me looks like he’s going to ask me for money.”
     5. “Don’t poo-poo the cookies. Don’t poo-poo the cookies. I can’t stop myself, I’ve got to poo-poo the cookies.”
     6. “And they wonder why I’m not concerned about the very poor.”
     7. “That woman is mentally undressing me. Wait, so is the guy sitting next to her.”
     8. “I want bunny rabbits on my bib! I want bunny rabbits on my bib!”
     9. “I’d feel more comfortable if these people were corporations.”
     10. “Where’s an etch-a-sketch when you need one?”


Deconstructing Cheney

    So much for a change of heart.
  Former Vice President Dick Cheney, fresh from his upteenth heart transplant, continued his disdain for Americans who don’t agree with him. He was the same old Dick in his first public appearance since his recent operation.
  Cheney was quick (as one could possibly be after a heart transplant) to rip President Obama a new one. He called the Obama presidency “an unmitigated disaster.” Maybe he should have emphasized one of those words and said “unMITTigated disaster.”
  Anyway, if anyone knows disasters, it’s the former VP. That’s right, we’re talking about you, Dick.
  Cheney and George W.’s time in power was the Titanic among recent presidencies.
  Cheney was a part of the historic blunder that included lying to the American people about weapons of mass destruction that led us into the unnecessary Iraq War.
  The former VP should never be allowed to live that one down. No matter how many heart transplants he gets.
  Iraq War architect. Dick Cheney, aka, Frank Lloyd Wrong.
  Over the weekend, Dick spoke at a public forum in Wyoming, which should have “America’s Militia State” as the motto on its license plates. At his side was his devoted daughter, Lizzie Borden Cheney, the poster child for “Daughters with really, really serious daddy issues.”
  Even after his most recent close encounter with the Grim Reaper, Cheney proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was no moment of clarity on his part. In fact, it made him more unpleasant, something one would believe to be impossible. He should show some remorse, he dodged another bullet. Which is more than can be said about his hunting partners.
  Cheney may as well have started off his speech at the forum with “I feel healthy enough to start waterboarding again.”
  At any rate, as has been a tradition of sorts with this blog, this is the third time lyrics to a song about the former VP will be posted. As was the case with the two previous selections, this one will again be called “The Cheney is a Putz,” and it should be sung to the tune “The Lady is a Tramp,” made famous by the late, great Francis Albert Sinatra:

     “He’s still angry after another transplant.
     If he says let’s go hunting, say, “Sorry, I can’t.”
     His message is gospel with a right-wing slant.
     That’s why the Cheney is a putz.

     “His snear is tired, his vision’s too bleak.
     His disdain is no longer valid or unique.
     No redeeming qualities of which to speak.
     That’s why the Cheney is a putz.

    “Fearmongering is what’s keeping him alive.
    It won’t jive this time.
    It’s slick …. but that’s Dick.

    “Hates liberals …. their litters produce mutts.
    That’s why the Cheney
    That’s why the Cheney
    That’s why the Cheney is a putz.”


The feminist elite

      CNN pundit Hilary Rosen’s swipe at Ann Romney not being credible to talk about what economic issues women are talking about because Mrs. Mitt “never worked a day in her life” was a ridiculous and stupid comment.
    Rosen thought she was exposing Mrs. Mitt as an elitist who was out of touch with working class women, but instead came off as the snob herself.
    In the so-called war on women, Rosen, a Democratic strategist, gave the Romney campaign an opening large enough to drive both of Ann’s Cadillacs through.
    You never knock political moms. If you do you should be sent to bed without supper. And while your mother and I are at it, no TV for a week!
    The trouble with liberals like Rosen is they think and speak the Beltway. Rosen forgot the no-brainer: All stay-at-home moms are working moms. Granted, Ann Romney, being wealthy, probably had The Help there to make life easier as she raised five boys. But that’s not reason enough to knock her, even if Mitt does condescend by telling his supporters that she reports back to him about what issues are concerning women.
    The liberal media, because it is controlled in a large part by the feminist elite, does tend to look down on stay-at-home moms. But they’re subtle about it. Until Rosen let the proverbial cat out of the bag with her ill-advised comment.
    So the Romney people did what any smart campaign would do: It seized the opportunity. Any good gift is a gift that keeps on giving. Shucks, even the evil genius Karl Rove couldn’t have delivered a better pitch right down the middle that screamed “Here I come, hit me!”
    Be that as it may, there is such a thing as wearing out a gift. On Friday at the NRA convention, Romney carted out the Mrs. to keep pounding away at the all stay-at-home moms are working moms slogan. There was no reason for her to be there, except to keep capitalizing on a goof.
    Maybe Mitt might want to douse this firestorm a bit because he’s looking like he’s hiding behind his wife’s skirt.
    One last thing for Hilary Rosen to ponder: What would June Cleaver do?
    Come November, millions of June Cleavers might just help put Ann’s husband in the White House.
    Nice digs for a stay-at-home mom.



   “Annie get your gun. We’re going to an NRA convention,” Mitt Romney could be telling the little woman today.
     Gordon Gekko is going to speak at one on Friday.
     You can almost hear the shape-shifter now: “I like guns. All kinds of guns. You can fire them. I like firing guns, and I like firing people.”
     Expect the Massachusetts Moderate to try and channel his inner Maverick. He’s bound to have an ace up his sleeve.
     Or he can come on like Marshal Mitt Dillon. His speechwriters are probably corraling some high-falootin’ jargon now that’ll trigger responses from NRA members and sure to hit their mark.
     Something like: “I love the smell of gunsmoke in the morning. It smells like electoral college victory.”
     Be sure to count how many times Romney mentions the GOP’s deity, Ronald Reagan. There may even be some props to John Wayne: “The Duke was a great American. Great Western hero. Great Republican. The same can be said about Ronald Reagan.”
     Difference here being Wayne was a good actor. Reagan was a bad actor (except for portraying the president for eight years) and even worse when he was cast in Westerns. He worked better with chimps.
     If Romney was cast in a Western, he’d be the land baron who is being backed by bankers with big money to get him elected governor. He wouldn’t pack a six-shooter, more like a Derringer.
     As sure as the turning of the earth, Romney will verbally pistol-whip President Obama at the NRA roundup. He could snark: “This president doesn’t like guns. He’d like to take them away from freedom-loving Americans.”
     In a Republican Hollywood Western (yes, Virginia, there were such things back in the 1950s when Ike was in the White House as the nation’s Number One movie horse opera fan) Obama would be cast as the town blacksmith, or the land baron’s horse groomer, who prepares the animals for one of Mrs. Mitt’s two buggies.
     Watch Cheyene Awful stand tall in the saddle for the “Stand Your Ground” law.
     Wild, wild West.
     Maybe millionaire Foster Freiss, who gave millions of dollars to Rick Santorum (good investment, pardner) and who now supports Romney, can take to the podium at the convention and repeat his offensive, trigger-happy off-the-cuff remark “I hope the president’s teleprompters are bullet-proof.”
     Let’s hope Freiss will be Dick Cheney’s next hunting partner.
     While we’re at it, don’t let Rawhide Romney be the keynote speaker at the convention. When he shoots from the hip, he usually Mitt-fires, uh, misfires.
     At least give him blanks. Matches his personality.


Fearmongering and loathing on the campaign trail

     The Fox News-Karl Rove-Mitt Romney agenda of scaring the frightened ones is already in general election mode.
    “Be afraid. Be very afraid” was the promo for the 1980s remake of “The Fly.” But the same thing can be used by the right wing as they strike fear into the hearts and minds of the paranoid when warning of an Obama second term.
    Romney accused President Obama of running a “hide-and-seek” campaign. He could’ve used the word stealth, but he wanted to continue talking kiddie talk — to go along with his image as an etch-a-sketch candidate.
    Apparently Obama didn’t want to do all this secret, shady stuff the right wing and their hallogram presidential candidate warn about in his first term. He wanted to wait to get re-elected (no guarantee of that) to let loose the Kracken.
    Ten things Fox News will convince the frightened ones what to fear if Obama has a second term:
        1. Food stamps will become the nation currency.
        2. Women will be making the same wages doing the same jobs as men.
        3. Female contraceptives will be handed out in grade schools!
        4. Should a Supreme Court justice pass on, Hillary Clinton will be appointed to the bench, bringing with her a new fashion: robe pantsuits.
        5. Fat people will be placed in internment camps.
        6. Two words: More mosques.
        7. National anthem will be replaced with LL Cool J’s “Mama Said Knock You Out.”
        8. “Stand Your Ground” law will be repealed nationwide. There goes any chance of vigilantism ever being able to qualify for religious tax breaks.
        9. Press Secretary Keith Olbermann.
        10. Mandatory Oval Office attire for the president and his Cabinet: Hoodies.

      Five things you’ll never hear Mitt Romney say:
       5. “My tax returns for the past five years? I’ve got them right here.”
       4. “Make sure the dog is in the back seat of the car.”
       3. “We can’t run that political ad, it’s full of lies.”
       2. “Hurry, Anne, I don’t want to be late for that live one-hour interview with Rachel Maddow.”
       And the number one thing you’ll never hear Mitt Romney say:
         “Absolutely not, Rush.”


Romney rises, Santorum surrenders

            So it is Mitten. So it shall be.
       If Mitt Romney was the title of a Gen X movie from 1989 he would be “Say Anything.”
       And the song blasting on his boom box would be “Both Sides Now.”
       Now that Romney all but has the GOP nomination locked up, the Big Corporations (that are people, too) will spend millions of dollars to erase all the flip-flopping and cowardly stances Mr. Roboto has said and taken —- as if it was all on a, well, etch-a-sketch.
       This will be accomplished by the evil wizardry of the Supreme Weasel himself, Karl Rove, the man they called “Bush’s brain.” And look what he did to the country with that.
       Rove’s American Crossroads will spend billions of dollars waging a war on President Obama.
       That’s the war Republicans want. It’s the only one they’re not in denial over. Unlike their War on Women.
       Of course America’s Bully, Rush Limbaugh, thinks this is all balderdash. But it was the Bully’s verbal blitzkrieg on a female Georgetown University law student that served as the first salvo fired.
       Rush Limbaugh, the human Fort Sumter.
       The war on women claimed its first casualty on Tuesday when Rick Santorum “suspended” his campaign for the Republican presidential nomination.
       The cultural warrior threw in the robe. He surrendered.
       No loss. This backward thinker said women weren’t cut out to fight on the frontlines. Well, thanks to the GOP, women have plenty of ammo to give them ample opportunity to hit Romney with their best shot.
       Any man can attest to the fact that women have long memories. Man, do they have long memories. No chance of men using the old etch-a-sketch on them.
       Their memory banks draw lots of interest.
       So it’s poor Mitt Romney (pardon the oxymoron) who is the reluctant overlord of the war, skirmish if you’re on the fence on this one.
       He’s about to be the GOP standard-bearer and there’s no deferrment in this war like the one he got during the Vietnam era.
       Polls show that Romney has a huge hole to climb out of if he’s going to win back support of women voters.
       The way his campaign is going so far, he’ll probably take some out-of-touch advice from the campaign brain trust to turn those polls numbers around.
       You could hear the spin doctors operating on how to perform surgery on those poll numbers. Here’s what they might think women want:
        1. “If this is a war on women, why not enlist the services of Tea Party bombast Dick Army?”
        2. “Play up your five sons as cougar bait.”
        3. “Hire a gay guy to be your friend and patronize him every so often. Women have a lot of gay male friends, but no lesbian friends. So it’s gotta be a gay guy.”
        4. “Hug men more often than you do. You’re a little too old school on this one. Sure, it’s strictly European, but it turns women on. The fact that men are comfortable with their feminine side.”
        5. “Give in a bit. Don’t apologize for wanting to do away with Planned Parenthood, but say something like ‘if I had five daughters instead of five sons, I’d be more sympathetic.’ Too much? OK, then, more Surfer Dude photo-ops. You’re as old as some of the Beach Boys, but that doesn’t mean you still can’t deliver good vibrations. Hey, write that one down, possible campaign slogan!”
           In related news, Rick Santorum suspended his campaign. Face it, he quit his run for the GOP presidential nomination on Tuesday.
         The former Pennsylvania senator finally pulled out.
         Rick Sanctimonious.
         You did not fight the good fight. Your intention was to create an America in your own image.
         Onward Christian Soldier couldn’t slay the Soldier of Fortune in the GOP primaries.
         Another right wing-nut bites the dust.
         Church and state shouldn’t integrate.
         Still, now the race will be between the Mormon and the Muslim.
         Put in on pay-per-view. Or better yet, Pray-per-view.
         What would Jesus do?
         He wouldn’t suspend his campaign. Imagine if he ever did.
         When all is said and done, Rick Santorum never had a prayer.
         The money-changes struck gold again.
         Give in to negative advertising.
         And you were about to get fire-bombed in your home state.
         Scorched earth over peace on earth.
         Get ready for the next war on something or someone.
         That’s the America you’re most comfortable defending.
         Back to Fox News with you.


Word and hunger games

  And now for the things they said this week that their egos won’t let them take back, even though their words had some of us scratching out heads wondering what they were thinking.
       And the winners are:
          @President Obama: He used the words “social Darwinism” referring to GOP Congressman Paul Ryan’s budget plan.
          Valiant attempt, Mr. President, but Republicans think Darwin is a heretic, so it fell on deaf ears. As if that’s something new.
          Besides, when you mention Darwin to everyday folk, they think you’re talking about Samantha’s husband on “Bewitched.”
          @Ann Romney: When asked why her husband Mitt is pretty much void of a personality, she said maybe it was time to unzip him and let the real Mitt Romney out.
          Looks like Ann is not the campaign’s only secret weapon. Caution: Not to be used on the war on women.
          @Mitt Romney: During his speech to the Associated Press, the likely GOP presidential nominee said President Obama was “out of touch.”
          Obama, he of the car elevator for his wife’s two Cadillacs, who makes $57,000 a day not working and has off-shore accounts in the Cayman Islands.
          Before Romney and the GOP is done with Obama, those who already be hating on the president will believe he’s the one who says he likes to fire people, not concerned about the very poor and has best friends who own NASCAR and NFL teams.
          By November, Fox News will have the frightened ones believing Obama straps Bo the dog to the top of the presidential limo when the family drives up to Camp David on weekends.
         @Reince Priebus (Reince Preibus?) the head of the Republican National Committee said that it was “fiction” that the GOP is waging a war on women. He added that if Democrats said Republicans were waging a war on caterpillars, the liberal media would report that the Republican Party is waging a war on caterpillars.
          By him an etch-a-sketch to erase that one, which had some women thinking the analogy he was making compared the female of the species to the insect species.
          No matter, by this time next week, Fox will have their true believers convinced Obama called women worms.
          By the way, Reince Priebus sounds like it could be a scientific name for something a lot of us might be aware of —– reincepriebus: the irritation people get when they’re at the beach and wet sand getts trapped in places on the body they’d rather forget about.
       Worst photo op of the week: Meat Romney and Paul Rye-an in “Sandwichgate” (Or, Republican Hunger Game”)
        Romney may have violated state election laws in Wisconsin this past week when he and his sidekick handed out free sandwiches to voters on their way to and from the voting booths.
       The law states no candidate shall give anything free to voters on election day, including ham and cheese hoagies, Mitt.
       The easy out here is saying, what’s the big deal with the lunchmeat, everybody knows Romney is full of baloney.
       Heck, he peddles it.
       But he could pay a fine. Could cost him some lettuce. A Wisconsin prosecutor isn’t taking this with a grain of salt. He may want to steak out an investigation.
       The Mittster could pay as much as a $10,000 fine. You know, his usual friendly bet amount.
       Movies that Mit can be in that are retitled to suit Hoagiegate:
               1. “The Philadelphia Cream Cheese Story”
               2. “Adam’s Prime Rib”
               3. “The Ox-Roast Incident”
               4. “A Clockwork Orange Chicken”
               5. “Breakfast, lunch and dinner at Tiffany’s”
               Famous novels that can be retitled to suit Mitt (he of the Hungry-man dinner):
                1. The Old Man and the Chicken of the Sea”
                2. “Naked Lunchmeat”
                3. “Catcher in the Rye Bread”
                4. “Ketchup-22″
                5. “The Crepes of Wrath”