BrunOpinions

CPAC is back

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 21:55:21 -0800

    One of the topics at this year's Conservative Political Action Committee (CPAC) is "the failure of multiculturalism."
    In other words, this diversity thing just doesn't hack it.
    CPAC is also where Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said "Conservatives are more fun than liberals."
    So pretty much CPAC is a bunch of white guys getting together not diggin' the scene with a gangsta lean.
    Their idea of having fun is comparing their golf handicaps and the food and grog at their respective restricted golf clubs.
    Multiculturalism covers a lot of territory, even the territory that usually votes Republican.
    Of course when they say multiculturalism is failing they mean multi-racialism. Have those photo IDs ready. Doing a heck of a job on Brownie.
    Dudes, even House Speaker John Boehner gets a daily dose of bad orange tan to give the impression that he's a person of some color.
    To say multiculturalism has failed is failure on the GOP to accept the fact that it makes up the sum of America's parts.
    Ever since Barack Obama was sworn is as the 44th President of the United States, the Republican Party has declared war on diversity.
    It should come as no surprise then that the perceived front-runner for the GOP presidential nomination is a multi-millionaire who isn't concerned about the very poor?
    President Mitt Romney and first lady Ann Romney. Ward and June Cleaver. And Rick Santorum as The Beaver.
    Back to the 1950s with the lot of us. Father knew best and women were barefoot and pregnant. The only thing that could be classified as diversity was someone on the block had a two-car garage.
    McConnell is half-right. Conservatives (aka the Republican Party) are more fun ---- more fun to satirize.
    Another issue CPAC will turn its divided-we-fall attention to is something called "Political Correctness and the Wussification of America."
    Got to admit they have a point on this one. Wussification is the agenda on network television, which, let's face it, is extremely liberally bent. They don't even have to keep the agenda hidden anymore. It's evident on nearly every show and blatant in the majority of TV commercials.
    "Conservative Dating" is another topic on the CPAC agenda.
    This could be a TV game show.
    It's "The Conservative Dating Game," and here's your host, Mitt Romney.
    Michele Bachmann could be his Vanna White, showcasing the valuable prizes.
    Newt Gingrich is first up and he has the pleasant duty of picking one woman out of three by asking them questions.
    Newt would ask things of them like, "You're not going to get cancer and force me to dump you for another woman, are you?"
    Another question Newt would ask all three is "How open are you to an open marriage?"
    Be there when Rick Santorum thinks he's chosing (for a strictly platonic date, mind you) between three women, but they're all transgenders.
    Valuable prizes include a weekend in the Cayman Islands visiting Mitt's money in offshore accounts.

    Meanwhile, here are some things overheard at the CPAC convention:
    1. "I thought it was a nice touch everybody doing a "Tebow" after the invocation."
    2. "Marco Rubio is a senator? I thought he was the guy who was married to Jennifer Lopez."
    3. "All those people praying with Santorum was inspiring ---- especially when the overhead camera shot showed they formed a human sweater-vest."
    4. "I'm just here because I heard they unearthed Ronald Reagan's corpse and brought his dead bones here for us to worship."
    5. "Mitt Romney isn't here today. He needs another day to prepare being more Mitty."
    6. "Marco Rubio isn't a designer of women's clothes? My wife told me the other day she'd be gone for a while 'cos she was going to pick up her Marco Rubio."
    7. "That's Justice Clarence Thomas? I thought he was the bathroom attendant."
    8. "We were going to turn down Cheney's invitation, but we didn't have the heart. Ba-room-boom!"
    9. "Romney paid the band to play "Fly Me to the Moon" when Newt takes the stage."
    10. "Whenever I see Sean Hannity, I always think that maybe contraception wouldn't have been a bad idea years ago..."

Halftime report

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 20:54:06 -0800

    Democrats and Republicans are both claiming that Clint Eastwood is trying to make their day.
    Eastwood's blunt "It's Halftime in America" Chrysler commercial during Sunday's Super Bowl was a tribute to the working class and the city of Detroit's resurrection more than it was an endorsement of President Obama or Mitt Romney.
    On the surface, one can see why the Democrats are claiming the ad was a somewhat subliminal endorsement of Obama, since he was the guy who saved the auto industry by not letting it go bankrupt. As opposed to Mitt Romney, who called for ---- and even wrote an op-ed in the New York Times --- it to go bankrupt.
    The GOP thinks Clint is secretly telling America that it's halftime and the first half had America down, but now it's time for the coach (played the American people, apparently) to change quarterbacks to rebound from being down and cruise to victory in the second half.
    It's no secret what political party Eastwood belongs to ---- he said he's voted for the Republican candidate for president since Eisenhower in 1952.
    Clint is the successor to John Wayne, who was so iconic his face could be put on Mount Rushmore.
    Wayne was a staunch conservative who sometimes (unfairly) was accused of being a racist, because he was so radical right wing.
    Clint may not be as controversial conservative as was The Duke in the late 1960s, early 1970s. Clint produced and directed the biopic about Charlie Parker, for cryin' out loud.
    He has an affinity for jazz and jazz artists. One can hardly see Romney resting at one of his mansions after a hard day of campaigning with a beer and listening to Miles Davis' "Sketches of Spain."
    Maybe Romney could be the star attraction in Clint movies retitled to fit the Mitt. Such as:
        1. "A Fistful of Super PAC Dollars"
        2. "For a Few Million Dollars More"
        3. "Win Any Which Way You Can"
        4. "I Was A Million Dollar Baby"
        5. "Play Mitty for Me"
    Other political heavyweights could also be in revised Eastwood movie titles:
        1. Dick Cheney and Barack Obama in "White Hunter, Black President"
        2. "Palin Rider" starring You-Know-Who
        3. Newt Gingrich in "Where Egos Dare"
        4. Bill Clinton in "The Britches of Madison County"
        5. Michelle Obama in "Midnight in the White House Garden of Good and Evil"
      Clint delivering the line that "The Roar of Our Engines will be heard again" gives one goosebumps. Like listening to a recording of Ray Charles' rendition of "America the Beautiful."
    It's so believable, you just know that our detractors, after hearing that, had the same effect as him saying "Go ahead, make America's day."
    There is no subliminal endorsement of any one candidate here. It's Clint's craggy-looking puss symbolizing an older but wiser but still tough America.
    Clint is selling all cars and American ingenuity. It just so happens Chrysler came up with the spot.
    Don't know if that would cause Clint's character in "Gran Torino" to wax unapologetic. He was definitely a Ford guy.
    That movie took place in Detroit, and that was not by accident. Clint's character, like the city itself, was a dinosaur on the verge of becoming extinct.
    But, as with all Hollywood endings that even take place in the Motor City, Clint's character finds redemption and is finally able to be at peace with himself.
    Whatever wisdom and knowledge and work ethic he has left, he passes on to someone who at first would appear to be an unlikely source.
    The Gran Torino car itself is a symbol of how great America used to be, you know, when we built cars that looked like cars. Cars you could tell were designed and built here.
    We can be that way again, Clint says in that TV ad, resurrecting his "Gran Torino" character with the trademark Dirty Harry menacing "Ya" thrown in there for good measure.
    The intention was never there to endorse one candidate or another. But there's no denying that the commercial is taking the glass-is-half-full approach that Obama is counting on.
    There is definitely no economic apocalpyse fear-mongering that Republican presidential candidates are trying to drive home.
    The days of scaring Americans with terrorism is in your backyard politics of the Bush administration are over.
    The GOP would do well not to keep up the gloom and doom that America will face if they're not put back in power tactic.
    Danny Downer Romney and Grinch Gingrich are anachronisms.
    Meanwhile, Clint is more relevant than ever.
    Everything is going to be OK. Halftime is over, and we already have the "mo" in the second half.
    How can it go wrong? We've got Grandaddy Clint gunning for us.
    "Ya."

Magnum Farce

Sat, 04 Feb 2012 13:38:34 -0800

You had to see this one coming down Broadway in an out-of-control Ford Bronco: The Republican National Committee chairman compared President Obama to that captain of the Italian cruise-liner who abandoned ship and ultimately let passengers die.
   The chairman, Reince Priebus (yep, that's his real name) is a snarky little weasel who makes one long for former RNC chairman Michael Steele, a man of real substance.
   Reince Priebus. Sounds like a fabricated ailment pharmaceutical companies could cash in on by pushing prescription medication that offers fast, temporary relief. You can almost hear the voice-over on the TV commercial now: "If reince continues to form on your priebus for more than four hours, call your doctor right-away."
   In order to promote the phony ailment, Big Pharma could throw its weight around and insist producers mention it in a segment from a popular movie, if only to help move the plot forward.
   Here's an example of how that can be done. It's a segment from yet another Clint Eastwood Dirty Harry movie, this one called "Magnum Farce":

   [Scene: Day. Detective Harry Callahan and his rookie partner patrol the streets of San Franciso looking to enforce law and order against any punks attempting to make trouble for the general population.]

   Harry: Just my luck. Not only am I saddled with a rookie partner. I've got a rookie partner with a medical condition.
   Rookie: Chalk it up to karma, Harry. For all the questionable stuff you've done in your professional life.
   Harry: Ya. What's wrong with you again?
   Rookie: Doctors found traces of reince on my priebus.
   Harry: Sounds painful. Tough it out. Back in the day I battled a bout of Sanjay on my Gupta. Never missed a day of work.
   Rookie: Me and my young wife just hope this isn't hereditary. We've got a six-month old son. One thing, though, I'm glad I'm not a veteran cop with only five days left until retirement. I'd be dead before this part of the movie is over.
   Harry: I've got news for you, rookie. Everybody who gets to be the partner I don't want to be saddled with dies in my movies.
   Rookie: Great. Hey! What's that?!
   Harry: A punk holding kids hostage on a school bus.
   Rookie: Harry, don't go all right wing-nut dinosaur from the 1970s law and order vigilante on this guy. Remember to negotiate. There are kids' lives at stake here.
   Harry: Ya. Wait in the car, McGovern.

   [Harry gets out of car, draws his weapon and walks toward the gunman holding the kids hostage.]

   Kid on bus: Hey, copper, kill this weenie so we can go home!
   Bad guy: Who the hell are you?
   Harry: Name's Callahan.
   Bad guy: As in Dirty Harry Callahan?
   Harry: Ya.
   Bad Guy: The cop who shoots first and negotiates with the criminal while he bleeds to death.
   Kid on bus: Blow his head clear off!
   Bad Guy: Who's that in the car? Get out of the car so I can see you. He makes me nervous, and when I get nervous I get an itchy trigger finger.
   Harry: Get out of the car, rook.
   [Rookie gets out of the car slowly, all the time grimmacing.]
   Bad Guy: What's wrong with you?
   Rookie: Doctors found traces of reince on my priebus.
   Bad Guy: Sounds painful. Bet he's not packing a weapon like yours, Callahan.
   Harry: This is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in a Republican presidential candidate's arsenal. So, you have to ask yourself, "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do you, Dukakis....

   [About 10 seconds of silent tension mounts before Harry and the Bad Guy both shoot. Of course Harry is still standing and the Bad Guy is dead. Kids on the bus start cheering. Cop cars enter onto the scene. Harry's boss, the Captain, surveys the situation and is not pleased.]

   Captain: Well, you've done it again, Callahan. Killed a suspect without negotiating. Did you at least read him his Miranda rights?
   Harry: Miranda rights, my Gupta. What about the rights of those little kids on that bus?
   Cop: Hey, Harry, your partner's been hit. But he'll live.
   Harry: Where did you get hit, rook?
   Rookie: owwwww!.... in the .... priebus...
   Harry: Hate to add insult to injury, Pelosi. But that's not covered by Obamacare ......

The Greatest Show on Worth

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 20:44:13 -0800

   It was just like Christmas morning on cable TV news networks today. All the news anchors and reporters were like over-anxious children waiting to see what a "newsworthy" gift Donald Trump had in store for them.
   MSNBC even played along on "Now with Alex Wagner" by including a countdown clock to inform their viewers how many hours it was before The Donald made his endorsement for president.
   Every cable TV news networks led with the Big Tease. But like most news stories that are over-promoted, it was anti-climatic. The Donald endorsed The Mitt.
   There they were, side by side at a press conference. A media circus moment worthy of these two clowns separated at birth.
   The Greatest Show on Worth.
   Bain and Bad Mane.
   The Buffoon Tycoon endorsing Mr. "Corporations are people." In the center ring, "You're Fired!" and "I like being able to fire people" telling America what was wrong with America. They were completely oblivious to the fact that they were both perfect examples of just what is wrong with America.
   If Trump was called upon to make the endorsement in order to gloss over the "poor" comment Romney made Wednesday, it's not going to sell.
   Mitt's now infamous comment was "I'm not concerned about the very poor." He said he was taken out of context (but found it necessary to clarify the statement later.)
   What he meant to say was probably something like, "I'm not concerned about the very poor. They don't vote and they smell funny."
   This from the same man who wants to be president of some of the people and who makes $57K a day by not working, tells a group of jobless people that he can identify with them because he too is unemployed, has offshore accounts in the Cayman Islands and money in Swiss bank accounts.
   This is the same man whose slogan is "Believe in America" ---- but protect yourself from paying higher taxes by putting money anywhere but America.
   To his credit, at least his slogan isn't "Invest in America."
   It's no coincidence that the Buffoon Tycoon's endorsement was made on Groundhog Day. His shadow overshadowed the guy he was endorsing.
   Trump came out of his lavish lair like some PunxsaDonny Phil. He could've predicted six more weeks of Romney winning primaries until he clinches the GOP nod for president. Or six more weeks of spending millions of dollars on negative ads destroying any candidate who stands in his path.
   Millionaires and billionaires and Super PACS, oh my.
   Naturally, The Donald trumps every other news story of the day, no matter the politics of the cable TV news networks.
   Taking a back seat to Bad Hair Day's day was the fact that President Obama gave a moving speech at the National Prayer Breakfast. A lot of his focus was about the poor, and he used Scripture to get his message across. It was all about "caring for the least of these" and to "speak for those who can't speak for themselves."
   Obama was talking faith while Mitt Romney coddled with the money-changers.
   Right wing-nuts will say it was President Jesus Hater trying to pull the wool over the eyes of us lost lambs.
   Newt Gingrich will say Obama is a double-agent spy in his own "war on Christianity."
   The more cerebral conservatives might remind people to remember their Shakespeare, especially a line from "The Merchant of Venice": "The devil can cite scripture for his purpose."
   Would it have made a difference had Obama done a "Tebow" on one knee at the end of his speech?
   Don't bet on it.
   Obama does have a poker face, and Romney may find that to his disadvantage if he ever does debate him.
   His Trump card will be of no use to him then.

Moon over Cayman Islands

Fri, 27 Jan 2012 21:16:58 -0800

     Bang! Zoom! To the moon, Alice!
   Ralph Kramden, the hapless bus driver made indelible by "The Great One" Jackie Gleason on the classic TV sitcom "The Honeymooners" always said that to his long-suffering wife Alice when she made his blood boil.
   Ralph always had a get-rich-quick scheme he'd conjur up with his dunderhead neighbor "pal o' mine" Ed Norton.
   Ralph would want to get in on the ground floor, or in this case, launching pad, after listening to GOP presidential candidate Newt Gingrich's vision for the future.
   Newt told a crowd in Florida that by the end of his second term (no delusion of grandeur here) in 2020 there would be "the first permanent base on the moon, and it will be American."
   Got that. No dang furiners.
   America, we've got a problem.
   Just to be safe, President Newt will send the Army Corps of Engineers (by then called the Interplanetary Military Infrastructurists) up a few years ahead of colinization in order to build a kryptonite wall at the lunar border to keep out any and all hooligans who don't speak American. Or earthling.
   The idea would seem to be out of this world. Just consider though, if Newt is president the next eight years he will have destroyed this planet and everyone who could qualify would go to the moon.
   You might think by talking like this that Newt has moon rocks in his head.
   Or at best he's a real lunar-tic.
   But he's a visionary. Just ask for him. He probably thought of "Plan 9 from Outer Space" first.
   Newt Gingrich is light years ahead of us all in his thinking outside the universe. He's warp speed and we're all going 35 mph in a 65 mph zone with our left turn signals still on.
   Coming soon to the SyFy Channel: Newt Gingrich's Star Drek. To boldly go where no ego has gone before.
   Just in case that TV show doesn't work out for Commander Cody and his Lost Planet Airman, he has a continuing role on the new sitcom called "Cayman Islands." Some of the characters are retreds, and the show's theme song might sound a bit familiar, with new lyrics, of course:
      "Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
      a tale of an expensive campaign trip.
      It started being born wealthy, his diaper pin a money clip.
      Mitt makes a cool $57,000 a day
      the Skipper is angry and bold.
      Little Ricky's pushing sweater-vests
      and Ron Paul is too old.
      Join them on this whacky campaign trail,
      you're sure to crack a smile.
      They're visiting Mitt's offshore accounts
      here on Cayman Isle."
   In the premiere episode, Gilligan Santorum has the brillliant idea he stole from Skipper Gingrich: To get the Professor Ron Paul to convert Mitt's yacht "One Percent" into a space ship so they can explore starting a colony on the moon.
   Skipper Gingrich is busy trying to convince second wife Mary Ann to agree to an open marriage involving Ginger.
   Meanwhile, Thurston Howell Romney convinces naive Americans to invest in condos in Nantucket he calls tax shelters. The selling point: They come equipped with servants, high school kids who aren't poor enough to clean the toilets at their schools.
   "Cayman Islands" is the comic relief on the tube until the next Republican debate in three weeks.
    In the hiatus that is the GOP comedy reality show, let's see who throws who under the bus.
    With his bad luck, Ralph Kramden will probably be driving it.

Oscar politics

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 21:41:26 -0800

    President Obama gave his State of the Union address, Mitt Romney released his tax returns and the Oscar nominations were announced, all on Tuesday.
   All were highly anticipated and all didn't meet the expectations of pol pundits, movie critics and those not making what amounts to $56,000 a day, Romney-wise.
   Not bad for a guy who told a group of jobless people in Florida that he can identify with them because he too was unemployed.
   One of the movies nominated for the best picture Oscar is the Deep South of the 1960s civil rights drama "The Help." In politics, the movie would be retooled when Mitt Romney stars in "Where's The Help?" after his "self-deportation" theory is taken seriously when the serfs at all his houses quit en masse.
   Also in Oscar contention is the 9/11 melodrama "Extremely Loud and Incredilbly Close." Coming soon is the movie about George W. Bush and Dick Cheney appropriately titled "Extremely Lout and Incredibly Morose."
   Silence should be golden when the best picture Oscar goes to "The Artist." The silent film, a darling of movie critics, is the odds-on-favorite to win.
   In the political theater of the absurd, the movie would be redone and retitled. See (place any politician's name here) __________________ starring as "The B.S. Artist."
   Movies can't survive without a memorable or at least effective music score. And in some cases, an indelible song from a movie becomes timeless. Think "Over the Rainbow" or "Moon River."
   There are original and adapted music scores in movies as well. So far in real life, the best song goes to President Obama, who channeled Al Green last week at a fundraiser and suddenly started singing "I... I'm so in love with you...."
   Imagine Newt Gingrich breaking out in a few bars of Charlie Daniels' "The Devil Went Down to Georgia." Or Mitt Romney channeling Pat Boone with "Love Letters in the Sand." Yuk.
   The worst song adaptation so for this year in real life goes to creepy Steven Tyler's fingers-down-a-chalkboard screeching butcher job of "The Star-Sangled Banner" at the Patriots-Ravens AFC Championship Game over the weekend.
   Memo to Steven Tyler: Judge not lest ye be judged.
   Of course movies can't be financed or productions green-lighted without writers. If it ain't on the page, it ain't on the sound stage. Yada, yada, yada.
   Obama picks up another award here, this time for original screenplay with his one line from his State of the Union speech, where he delivered the zinger: "Anybody who tells you America is in decline doesn't know what they're talking about."
   Classic.
   For screenplay adadptation, the winner is Newt Gingrich, who keeps rewriting his own shaky and shady history as Speaker of the House, where he believes he balanced the budget four times (actually twice, with Bill Clinton as collaborator.) Nor was it as bad as it seems (it was) that he was pretty much forced out of his speaker role because of ethics violations. Oh, ya, he was also fined.
   Newt is the perfect winner in this writing category, since he fancies himself a historian. More like a revisionist than anything else, especially when he's rewriting his own history.
   To quote the famous line from John Ford's classic Western "The Man who shot Liberty Valance": "When the legend becomes fact, print the legend.
   Newt Gingrich, a legend in his own mind.
   So, will there be a Hollywood ending for President Obama?
Or will it be Mitt Romney, who is everything to everyone, the political "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy?"
   Maybe first time presidential candidate Newt Gingrich will have "Beginners" luck.
   One thing is certain, the cash that will be spent electing or re-electing one of these guys will make "Moneyball" look like, well, a movie.
   The envelope, please....

Mewtt Gingney

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 22:06:58 -0800

     The Republican Presidential Primary is no longer stuck in Newt-ral. In fact, it's in overdrive now that Newt Gingrich wiped the smirk off Mitt Romney's face in the South Carolina Primary over the weekend.
    The Romney camp is in panic mode as their candidate on Monday hinted at becoming more aggressive, taking off the Mitts and putting on the gloves, so to speak.
    The problem with this is Romney comes off more phony than he does by trying to convince voters he's like us poor working slobs.
    Go online and check out the photo op of him at a laundromat doing the laundry.
    Guess you can say Romney is doing everything he can to stem the Tide that appears to be going against him.
    Romney doesn't do tenacious well. Newt is the Georgia bulldog in this fight. He's a mutt. Romney is a, well, Mitt.
    Romney is more like one of those groomed to the nines canines at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show put on every year in New York.
    The problem the GOP has nowadays is that they're looking for a candidate who possesses the aggressiveness of a Newt and the business savvy ----- who can have $32 million is offshore accounts in the Cayman Islands --- of a Mitt.
    That's right, the GOP is looking for Mewtt Gingney.
    The hybrid Republican candidate to take on President Obama in the fall.
    The best way to get the best, for lack of a better world, of both these worlds would be to put the two candidates on the GOP ticket. It may make perfect sense, but impossible since neither men's egos would even contemplate stooping to the level of running mate.
    And if Mitt was at the top of the ticket and Newt was his VP and if they'd win, well, Mitt would need to create a new position at the White House ---- that of food taster.
    He could always get someone poor and out of work to take the job.
    Or a former janitor who lost his job to some schoolkid because Newt got Congress to approve new child labor laws.
    It's obvious. The Republican Party needs to nominate Rush Limbaugh. After all, he is America's Bully, and he knows how to make millions and millions of dollars. OK, so it's for himself ---- but that's free enterprise.
    Sure, Rush would have to take a cut in pay ---- but he could give the money her earns annually as commander-in-chief to his ex-wives. Or Newt's exes.
    He could rule the country through his radio program.
    These wouldn't be fireside chats. They'd be firestorm, scorched earth commentaries that would be carried over all radio and TV outlets on a daily basis.
    If he didn't have to give up so much power he'd probably do it.
    So the GOP is stuck with a wealthy guy who thinks everyone who isn't in the top one percent is envious of the rich. And the other is a blowhard egomaniac who thinks he should get a pass from everything bad he's done in the past because he's found redemption and who thinks that if Jesus Christ returned to Earth would walk the land weening the faithful off food stamps.
    Romney and Gingrich should make a friendly wager on who will win the Florida Primary.
    Loser has to do the other guy's dirty laundry.
    Don't worry, guys, they'll be a photo-op.
    It'll make you guys more attractive to the working class. Heck, they might even stand up and Cheer.

Of Mouse and Men

Thu, 19 Jan 2012 21:50:55 -0800

President Obama, you just rejected the construction of the Keystone pipeline that could mean thousands of jobs. What are you going to do now?
"I'm going to Disney World!"
Obama spoke Thursday at Disney's Magic Kingdom because a speech on jobs and tourism is a wish your heart makes.
Easy joke any Republican can make about Obama at Disney World: "This president's administration should be called Obama World because it's a Mickey Mouse operation."
Ironic that Obama is at Disney World on the day that Goofy, uh, Texas Gov. Rick Perry, dropped out of the race for the Republican presidential nomination. Of course, Perry's campaign for the nomination can be summed up in one word: "Oops."
This means there are only four Lost Boys, uh, candidates left to be the Republican Party's standard-bearer.
As bad a day as it was for Perry, it's been a bad week for Prince Charming Mitt Romney.
A recount Thursday showed that Sleepy Rick Santorum, and not Mr. Roboto, actually won the Iowa caucuses.
Adding insult to injury, Perry threw what little support he had left to Grumpy Newt Gingrich.
But Romney has been his own worst enemy when he matter-of-factly says crapola like he made money in speaking fees last year but "not very much."
Turns out Gordon Gekko made $374,000, or $42,000 per speech. A mere pittance. Or in Romney's case, a mere Mitt-ance.
Then Mr. "Corporations are people" took deserved flak for not releasing his tax returns, but says he probably pays 15 percent. See, Mr. "It's not income inequality, it's envy" can relate to the middle class, because we pay that much or more.
Mr. "I like being able to fire people" should start with canning members of his own campaign staff for not getting ahead of this silly old income tax thing.
And the hits against Mitts keep on coming: He has offshore investments in the Cayman Islands.
What's the matter, Willard, American investments not good enough?
Willard Mitt Romney, the ultimate Pluto-crat.
And now for the soap opera portion of the GOP race for the White House. Newt's second ex-wife spoke out on ABC News about their tumultuous marriage, saying that the Newtster wanted an "open marriage."
Coming soon to Fox TV's "Animation Domination" Sunday night shows, Newt Gingrich as "Family Values Guy."
Just when you thought reality TV couldn't stoop any lower.
If this keeps continuing, the GOP may have to nominate a Kardashian.
Speaking of someone who has never been Bashful and is a reality TV show herself, Princess Photo-Op Palin said if she was voting in this Saturday's South Carolina Primary, she'd vote Newt. So pleased to hear that, the former House Speaker asked her if she was into open marriages. OK, that's not true. But he did say that there would be a place for the Princess in his administration.
Dopey in the Cabinet? You mean a job, where she'd have to work?
If Newt does place ahead of Romney on Saturday, it will be a whole new primary out there for each one of these Pinocchios. OK, Ron Paul is Gepetto.
The party of Lincoln has become the party of what are you guys thinking?
And then there were four left standing. After Saturday they'll be singing "Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to the Florida Primary we go...."
No coincidence that Obama was there ahead of them on Thursday.
Flying back on Air Force One he had to be singing, "When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who your GOP opponents are..."

Whistlin' Dixie

Tue, 17 Jan 2012 22:06:50 -0800

       They actually booed the golden rule.
    The manner in which the audience conducted itself Monday night at the Republican presidential debate in South Carolina proves that the state should go ahead and secede from the Union again.
   Let history repeat itself.
   Just leave Myrtle Beach alone. Send it to Southern California.
   But let Texas Gov. Rick Perry lead your secession. He has his own general in Newt Gingrich to help the South rise to its level of incompetence again.
   The debate audience actually cheered when Newt (the secession's Robert E. Lee to Perry's Jefferson Davis) regurgitated his mad idea of letting poor kids work as janitors in their schools so they can make money and prepare themselves in life to be subserviant to their more affluent peers in their class.
   Newt Gingrich, the assassin of self-esteem.
   Very soon when he has to drop out of the GOP race for the White House, he could form his own perfect union and establish an army of poor kids, the Oliver Twists, to clean the bathrooms of every classroom and toilet stalls in every school in America.
   Newt will be Janitor-in-Chief.
   The kids will be paid minimum wage, but as long as Obama is still president, their parents will be able to live on food stamps.
   Newt tossed the rabid debate audience enough red meat to tenderize their race baiting.
   There was no "pious baloney" on Newt's plate when he told the rebel yellers in the audience that ol' Andy Jackson knew what to do with the enemy: "Kill them."
   What a patriot. He knows when to wrap himself in the Confederate flag.
   The day after the debate Newt told a reporter that his goal as GOP nominee would not be to bloody Obama's nose but to "knock him out."
   Newt Gingrich, a real pugnacious candidate who coulda been a contender. The Great White Hope in the ring landing a TKO on Sugar Ray Obama before the current champ punches a one-way ticket to Palookaville for America.
   Keeping with the macho theme, being that the debate on Monday was orchestrated by Fox News, there had to be a gun question. Not about gun rights, but when was the last time the candidates went hunting. And would they ever consider hunting with Dick Cheney. OK, the second part wasn't asked.
   Mitt Romney said he hasn't fired as many guns as Americans while CEO at Bain Capital. OK, that part isn't true, either. Not that he hasn't fired more people than weapons, but that he didn't say that at the debate. He said he shot a moose, no, rather an elk. Sounds like typical Mitt, who often sounds like he's shooting the bull.
   Meanwhile at a press conference, Perry more or less compared himself to Moses (Jesus must be a former flavor the week.) Perry said Moses was not a great speaker (or debater for that matter) but God used him anyway.
   Moses supposes erroneously, Ricky.
   Perry's sole contribution to the GOP primary has been renaming venture capitalists like Romney as "vulture capitalists."
   By the way, Ricky, those are vultures circling your campaign.
    Things overheard in the audience at the GOP debate in South Carolina:
     1. "I heard Rick Perry's favorite movie is 'Deliverance.' "
     2. "Is Ron Paul still breathing?"
     3. "Rick Santorum looks like the guy who takes your money at a toll booth."
     4. "I think I just saw Mitt Romney's hair move."
     5. "Where's that loudmouth cute little lady from Minnesota? I wanted to see her head spin around and smoke come out her ears when she talks about Obamacare."
     6. "I'd get Newt a case of beer but I can't buy liquor with food stamps."
     7. "All this time I thought super PAC was the name of a porno movie."
     8. "Let's sacrifice an ethnic."
     9. "I'm looking forward to the day I can tell my 5-year-old boy Jasper that soon he'll be old enough to support the family by cleaning toilets at his grade school because I'll be out of a job."
     10. "Just think, whoever wins the South Carolina Primary will go on to win the Republican nomination and lose to Obama in November."

Jonny, we hardly knew you

Mon, 16 Jan 2012 22:00:11 -0800

      Former Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman bowed out of the Republican presidential sweepstakes on Monday.
   The fact that he was getting as much traction after placing third in the New Hampshire Primary as a Ford Pinto stuck in quicksand may have played a big part in his decision.
   That and the fact that in the South Carolina Primary this Saturday he's polling behind native son Stephen Colbert. Yes, that Stephen Colbert of Comedy Central's "Colbert Report."
   If Huntsman has learned anything from his time in the Orient as ambassador to China it's to know when to save face.
   Too bad. Huntsman was the best of the crop of circus geeks running in the GOP primary. He's the guy who tweeted 'call me crazy but I believe in global warming and science.'
   And his wife and daughters are hot.
   But in quitting his run for the nomination, Huntsman disappoints.
   He threw his support behind Mitt "I like to be able to fire people" Romney.
   Theory here is that he's hoping to be Secretary of State should Mitt "Corporations are people, too" Romney defeat President Obama in November.
   Huntsman would surely have the credentials and gravitas for the job, but following Hillary Clinton in that role, well, those are big pant-suits to fill.
   He's the guy who in the last debate got the best of Romney when he said the frontrunner puts politics over country. This was in response to Romney chastizing Huntsman for working in the Obama administration as ambassador to China.
   Huntsman responded with the best dig at Romney up to that point when he retorted, "This nation is divided because of attitudes like that." Yo! Sound bite for the Obama campaign in the fall.
   Speaking of the Mittens, he and his campaign staff gave a black woman (who said the Lord or somebody told her to seek him out) $150 to help pay her utility bill. Now she's supporting him. Hopefully for him she won't be prevented from voting because she can't produce a photo ID.
   So Romney proves that he is a compassionate conservative. Either that or he just saw the movie "The Help."
   Soon to be also-ran GOP candidate former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick "Sweater-vests 'R' Us" Santorum said recently that Romney is a moderate and that, in essence, he's a paler version of the current resident in the White House.
   Santorum didn't mean anything racist by that remark. Maybe he just meant to say they're both blah. Or they're ebony and ivory working together in perfect moderate harmony.
   Wonder if the GOP candidates still want to get Denver Broncos QB Tim Tebow to support their quest for the White House.
   Tebow never had a prayer against the New England Patriots over the weekend. The Patriots crucified the Broncos. The only time Tebow got down on one knee was when he was sacked and fumbled.
   Maybe Tebow can finally go out in public with eyeblack under his eyes, not with John 3:16 painted, but rather Mitt 20:12.
   But then the only sport Romney knows is "Moneyball."
   Speaking of the Brad Pitt movie of the same name, it didn't fare well at Sunday's Golden Globes award show.
   But the foreign language film that won was "A Separation" and it was from Iran.
   Typical Hollywood jihad, those award shows.
   And what's with all this French stuff this year?
   Woody Allen (liberal communist) won a Golden Globe for his screenplay "Midnight in Paris."
   And the critic's choice this year, the silent movie "The Artist," is basically a film made and financed in France with the director and main stars being French.
   John Kerry spoke French and W. and his turdblossom for a brain Karl Rove turned that into a gift that kept on giving when they defeated the Democrat in 2004.
   Mitt Romney speaks fluid French and got out of serving in Vietnam by going to France where he pretended to be a Mormon missionary.
   And current House Majority Leader Eric Cantor spent recess in France. There's even a photo of him in a beret in front of the Eiffel Tower.
   Mon Dieu!
   But new political season. New villain.
   Jon Huntsman was attacked in a Ron Paul super PAC ad for speaking fluid Mandarin.
   When it's common knowledge that Obama is the real Manchurian Candidate.
   This year's election isn't movie oriented anyway. It's definitely more reality TV.
   And Jon Huntsman will be watching it from the sidelines.
   With Tim Tebow.

Mitt-picking

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 21:29:16 -0800

    The George Clooney political thriller "The Ides of March" may win the Golden Globe this weekend, but when it comes to political theater of the absurd, nothing beats the real thing.
   Now playing this week all over South Carolina, the campaign documentary produced by Newt Gingrich's super PAC: 30-minutes of slamming Mitt Romney's ruthless reign as CEO of Bain Capital.
   The tele-film is complete with real-life victims who lost their jobs and livlihood "when Mitt Romney came to town" ---- as the menacing voice-over says.
   But like all movies, the film has its harsh critics, and the Newtster is getting blow-back from pols from his own party. The audience for the lengthy political ad will be short-lived because the word has come down from on high (on oxycontin) from America's Bully, Rush Limbaugh.
   Newt's super PAC should have called the movie "The Bain Mutiny" because he's being treated as a mutineer on the good ship USS Ronald Reagan.
   He should be court-martialed for breaking the GOP 11th commandment and conspiring with the enemy, the Muslim Kenyan socialist in our White House, who are both out to defeat the presumptive master and commander of the America's Cup.
   And the man who would be Mister Roberts but is more like Captain Queeg has a co-conspirator. That would be Ensign Oops Perry, but not many would even follow him to the chow hall.
   The Bully has ordered smooth sailing from here on in and thy shall have no mutineers willing to torpedo this Ship of Fools before him.
   Their candidacies are going to be deep-sixed soon enough, so stop with the Mitt-picking.
   Let's have all hands on deck.
   Pay no attention to those vultures circling overhead.
   They're just venture capitalists.
   Watch your carcass, America.....

Role playing

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 21:03:15 -0800

Slowly but surely, the conservative wing of the Republican Party is starting to warm up to Mitt Romney.
The reason for the sudden epiphany can be traced back to just a few days ago when Romney snarked the line "I enjoy being able to fire people."
The right wing-nuts are now convinced that Romney has been Mitt-understood all this time and that he does speak their language.
As George W. Bush might mangle, "Don't Mitt-underestimate Romney."
The GOP damage control unit is trying to turn his quote that will live in infamy into a rallying cry for free enterprise.
Romney's victory speech in New Hampshire was more like his "I accept my party's nomination" speech. By the way, Fox News Foxholes and Princess Photo-Op Palin, the Mittster used a teleprompter. Just like you-know-who in our White House does. A mortal since to GOPeers who speak in 30 -second soundbites and bumper sticker mentality.
Now that the GOP has its crusader to fight the battle against President Obama's "European socialist state" meanwhile all the time convincing his followers that he's the one to elect to "save the soul of America," Mitt Romney needs some Tebow Time.
Tim Tebow that is. The quarterback of the Denver Broncos who has made religion his goal-post in the NFL.
He's famous for praising the Lord while playing the game. And then when God starts hating the opposing team and lets his archangel score touchdowns ---- especially winning touchdowns --- Tebow goes to one knee and says amen and looks up to his Lord and savior.
Not that there's anything wrong with that. Except now the Republican presidential nominees want Tebow's endorsement, because Republicans are Christians and Democrats and their Muslim born in Kenya socialist friend to homegrown terrorists in our White House is a Jesus hater.
Romney may be close to sealing the deal as the GOP standard-bearer, but, sadly, his Mormon faith may still rear its ugly head in places like South Carolina.
That would've all been put to rest had the frontrunner not only given a victory speech Tuesday night after winning the New Hampshire Primary, but got down to one knee and did the "Tebow."
OK, he would've thanked Joseph Smith, but hey, it's the thought that counts. Mitt would've been It for sure.
Maybe next time. Unless Tebow (who throws "left" handed, right wing-nuts) loses his religion after falling to defeat to the New England Patriots this weekend.
The Patriots aren't sinners like Ben Roethlesberger and The Pittsburgh Steelers (Tebow's passing yards against the 6-time Super Bowl champs was 316. Get it, like John 3:16), and Brady is, dare we say it, a football god among sportscasters.
Speaking of Beasts from the East, Mitt is on a roll, even though his competition keeps painting him as a real life Gordon Gekko ---- the stock market vulture Michael Douglas played in Oliver Stone's "Wall Street" in 1986. By the way, Douglas won a best actor Oscar for playing the "Greed is good" character.
So if Mitt's Gordon Gekko, what character will his opponent, you-know who not one of us in our white house, be?
Let's go with the Sidney Poitier character from "To Sir, with Love." In that classic from the 1960s, Sidney played a teacher, and Obama is professorial.
After all, he could end up schooling the Republicans again.
Will the 2012 presidential election turn out to be a battle of good vs. greed?
If so, then you would have to ask yourself, "What would Tebow do?"

True Mitt

Tue, 10 Jan 2012 15:21:59 -0800

       The wrath of Newt is upon you, Mitt Romney.
    He's had it with your "pius baloney" (his own words.)
    The seven words you'll live to regret ---- "I like being able to fire people" ---- solidifies the fact that you're ruthless. A heartless corporate raider (are there any other kind?) The lead role in the upcoming movie based on true facts "The Pink-slip Panther."
    But Mitt told a crowd in New Hampshire on Monday that he knows what it's like to be worried about losing his job. About getting "pink-slipped."
    As my old dad used to say when he didn't believe what someone was telling him: "Are you for real?"
    People without money (and we know who we are) always dream about somehow becoming rich and famous. The old rags to riches theory.
    Hard to believe, Mitt, that people born into wealth have at anytime fantasized about what it would be like to struggle to make ends meet.
    Mitt's the same guy who said "corporations are people, too" and casually wanted to bet Rick Perry $10,000 about some fact during one of the GOP debates.
    The problem with Mitt Ruthless ---- besides his penchant for lying through his teeth and his compulsive flip-flopping --- is that he doesn't wear well. Like many have said about him: the more you see of Mitt Romney, the more you don't like him.
    Romney is the John Kerry of the Republican Party this election cycle.
    Romney's time as CEO of Bain Capital as job killer is finally catching up to him. His rivals for the GOP nod are piling on him like so many stacks of $1,000 bills he still gets for essentially shipping good American jobs overseas, dishing out pink slips like they were campaign buttons, all the while pocketing the cash for himself and his fat cat cronies.
    Someone should write a song about his time at Bain. What? Someone has? Well, whattaya know. So, sung to the tune of the great Carly Simon's "You're so Vain," the world premiere of "You're so Bain." And it goes something like this:

          "You walked in to our company
          like you were someone important to meet.
          Your hair slicked back Gordon Gekko-like
          You pulled the rug out from under our feet.
          You made millions of dollars for yourself
          while making our new home the street.
          Now you expect us to get out the vote for you
          get out the vote for you....
          You're so Bain
          you probably think this election's about you.
          You're so Bain
          you probably think this election's about you
          don't you? don't you?

          "Well, you talk like you worked hard all your life
           but you're speaking through a silver spoon.
           We're at work at the crack of dawn
           while you sleep in until noon.
           You're where you wanted to be all your life
           at last, the presidency is your heirloom
           new drapes for the Lincoln bedroom,
           the Lincoln bedroom .... and,
           You're so Bain
           you probably think this election's about you.
           You're so Bain
           you probably think this election's about you...
           don't you? don't you?"

Attack of the Blah People

Fri, 06 Jan 2012 21:50:13 -0800

   Just when you thought all of the beyond the fringe candidates like Herman Cain and Michele Bachmann were gone from the race for the Republican presidential nomination, you would be wrong, Goldwater breath.
   Rick Santorum has picked up the bouncing ball and immediately started to stumble as he rushed to pick up some yardage after the kick-off.
   Responding to the positive job numbers and the unemloyment rate dropping a tad for the month of December, Little Ricky said it was because there's widespread optimism in the country that a Republican is going to take back the White House.
   It's like Bachmann never dropped out of the race.
   But that wasn't the quote that got Santorum in a bit of hot water. No, that came from a comment he made the other day in New Hampshire to a group of reporters and supporters.
   Santorum said, "I don't want to make black people's lives better by giving them somebody else's money. I want to give them the opportunity to go out and earn the money and provide for themselves and their families."
   When listening to the quote, it sounds like he's catching himself in mid-oops and knew he shouldn't be saying the word black.
   Santorum defended himself on Fox News and CNN by saying he doesn't usually use the word black, but rather African-American.
   So was he saying black? Not according to him. He said he used the word "blah."
   You know, those blah people who live off food stamps and take money away from normal, hardworking Americans, who aren't blah.
   The blah people. No one knows where their ancestors are from, but they're kind of persons of color, so their papers should be checked from time to time to make sure they're in this country legally.
   Their only contrubution to America is the critical response "blah, blah, blah" whenever someone is insulting what another person is saying.
   You probably came across kids of blah heritage in high school. They contributed absolutely nothing to academics. They couldn't even make the chess club.
   The Beatles made fun of them in their song "Ob-la-di-ob-blah-blah."
   The blah unemployment rate is 63%.
   Blahs still watch movies on VHS.
   Blahs don't own cars, they always travel by bus.
   Blahs always vote for Democrats because their hero is Michael Dukakis. But they can be persuaded to vote Republican if they think the candidate is funny looking.
   Blahs like sweater-vests.
   Blahs speak Rick Santorum's language.
   Rick Santorum is blah.

Surfing the Santorum wave

Thu, 05 Jan 2012 19:39:12 -0800

    Mitt Romney's money and SuperPAC stealth ad attacks helped propel him to a whopping 8-vote victory in the Iowa caucuses over Rick Santorum.
Romney and his PACmen spent at least $4 million dollars to win the Hawkeye State's hearts, minds and wallets. OK, so $4M is chump change in Romneyland.
Santorum spent about $250,000 in ads in Iowa. OK, so $250,000 is a dinner and bar tab in Romneyland.
The day after the Iowa caucus in New Hampshire Romney quickly got the endorsement from Sen. John "the fundamentals of the economy are still strong" McCain, the loser of the 2008 presidential election.
Politically-wise, McCain will be best remembered for unleashing Sarah Palin onto the world stage.
How would Iowa have played out had Princess Photo-Op been in the race? We'll never know because Palin couldn't man-up.
Not so with her equally whacko surrogate Michele Bachmann, who gave us memorable yet dubious memories as she sought the GOP presidential nomination.
Alas, the lass with sass met her Waterloo in Iowa and dropped out after getting a meesly 5 percent of the vote. Bachmann was born in Waterloo, Iowa.
Irony, what a concept.
Too bad. Her husband was so looking forward to being first lady.
The day before the caucuses, Bachmann said she was praying for a miracle, and/or hinting to her supporters that a miracle was about to happen.
Some may not know of miracles, but with Bachmann already out of the race, it ought to make some have renewed faith that there is a God.
So the battle for the soul of the conservative wing of the Republican party has a new poster boy in Santorum.
Pundits are expecting his new found surge to plummet as soon as the liberal news media digs deep into his record while he was in office. Santorum was a senator from Pennsylvania but lost his re-election bid in 2006 by 18 points.
You know Pennsylvanians, they cling to their guns and religion. And if that 18-point loss was any indication, they thanked the lord Santorum was voted out of office. Then they probably went out and shot some critters on that election day to celebrate.
Santorum is quickly becoming stereotyped faily or unfairly by the liberal news media as a candidate who doesn't like people of color. He certainly doesn't like gay people. He cringes at same-sex marriage. He's against contraceptives, sex without being married and abortions, even in cases of rape and incest ---- or if the woman's life is in danger.
This guy shouldn't be president of the United States. He should be president of Iran.
Santorum has been a Fox News contributor (that's where all the right wing-nuts go after they leave office) and the overlord of Fox and all things yellow journalism, Rupert Murdoch, more or less anointed Santorum right before the Iowa caucuses.
Imagine if people started surfing the Santorum wave.
Women will want their men to start wearing the signature Santorum sweater-vests.
Santorum might even garner enough TV cred that he could stop by David Letterman's show and do a Top Ten List.
"And the number one thing you should know about me, Rick Santorum: I look like the guy whose job Mitt Romney shipped overseas."
   Only problem with the Santorum wave? It will never be able to stem the tide against the Romney tsunami.
   The Republican party only has room for one natural disaster.