A news ape? LOL

That’s ok, I live with three house apes, there are worse names you could be called.

Assuming you’re already in possession of a snappy fedora with a “Press” card tucked into the band (you *do* have said headwear, right? cuz that’s how I picture you when I read your column — which I also assume is pecked out on a 1939 black Remington, of course), you are now just one gorilla suit away from the greatest journalistic attire since a young George Will strapped on his first bow tie.

In addition to causing an even bigger stir than your arrival already produces at various council meetings & coffee shop interviews throughout the area, your Newspaper Ape persona is sure to spawn a cottage industry of marketing-related materials (including but hardly limited to Newspaper Ape lunch boxes, Newspaper Ape t-shirts, Newspaper Ape pen-and-pencil sets — great gifts for the graduating journalism students in your life!).

And of course, the inevitable TV show:

“Faster than Wolf Blitzer. More powerful than MetroRail. Able to climb tall trees in search of the best vantage point of the Pomona City Council. Look — over there — having lunch with Eric Roberts and the Soup Nazi. It’s a big chimp. It’s a really hairy guy in a funny hat. No — It’s Newspaper Ape! Yes, Newspaper Ape — who, disguised as David Allen, mild-mannered columnist for a major suburban newspaper, fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, & great places for dinner in the 909!”

I’d just advise you to get in touch with the trademark folks ASAP — cuz if you happen to see a dude in a ratty chimp suit jamming plastic bottles into his pants, you’ll know that the Vineyard Press done beat you to the punch!

[You really went ape on this one, Hugh, but I loved it. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to groom one of my News Ape colleagues. -- DA]

David Allen — the 800-pound gorilla at the Daily Bulletin.

[Better that than the elephant in the room. -- DA]