News ape


It used to say “Newspaper,” but this recycling container at Portland International Airport, shot during my summer vacation, seems to be missing some letters. Ever since, I’ve thought of myself as a news ape.

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  • Dee

    A news ape? LOL

    That’s ok, I live with three house apes, there are worse names you could be called.

  • News Ape, eh? Is that anything like Jonathan Coulton’s “Code Monkey”?

    [News Ape also simple man. But News Ape no like Tab and Mountain Dew. — DA]

  • Assuming you’re already in possession of a snappy fedora with a “Press” card tucked into the band (you *do* have said headwear, right? cuz that’s how I picture you when I read your column — which I also assume is pecked out on a 1939 black Remington, of course), you are now just one gorilla suit away from the greatest journalistic attire since a young George Will strapped on his first bow tie.

    In addition to causing an even bigger stir than your arrival already produces at various council meetings & coffee shop interviews throughout the area, your Newspaper Ape persona is sure to spawn a cottage industry of marketing-related materials (including but hardly limited to Newspaper Ape lunch boxes, Newspaper Ape t-shirts, Newspaper Ape pen-and-pencil sets — great gifts for the graduating journalism students in your life!).

    And of course, the inevitable TV show:

    “Faster than Wolf Blitzer. More powerful than MetroRail. Able to climb tall trees in search of the best vantage point of the Pomona City Council. Look — over there — having lunch with Eric Roberts and the Soup Nazi. It’s a big chimp. It’s a really hairy guy in a funny hat. No — It’s Newspaper Ape! Yes, Newspaper Ape — who, disguised as David Allen, mild-mannered columnist for a major suburban newspaper, fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, & great places for dinner in the 909!”

    I’d just advise you to get in touch with the trademark folks ASAP — cuz if you happen to see a dude in a ratty chimp suit jamming plastic bottles into his pants, you’ll know that the Vineyard Press done beat you to the punch!

    [You really went ape on this one, Hugh, but I loved it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to groom one of my News Ape colleagues. — DA]

  • Dee


    One of my house apes is really a code monkey! Who knew?

  • Bob House

    David Allen — the 800-pound gorilla at the Daily Bulletin.

    [Better that than the elephant in the room. — DA]