It's Time for "Safe Junk Food" Education

Well, I can't same I'm surprised by the study that shows $1 billion in healthy-eating propaganda has failed to get kids to eat healthily. When will the puritanical food moralists ever learn? Kids are going to eat junk food. That's what they do. You're not going to stop them with this "abstinence only" stuff. It's time we stopped wasting the money and the breath.

No, instead it's time to recognize reality -- since kids are going to eat junk food, we need to make sure they do it safely. We need to make sure they have protection.

Let's start with our schools: We should distribute donuts to anyone who wants them at the nurse's office. Kids are going to eat donuts anyway, so at least we can offer them safe donuts -- say, ones without sprinkles or trans fats -- and try to minimize the damage. In the cafeteria, we should serve McDonald's cheeseburgers -- after all, if we don't, students are only going to go to McDonald's and buy double-cheeseburgers. And we should offer eating-ed classes, where we teach children how to make a malted, share recipes for nachos, and instruct youngsters on the fine points of downing a pint of Ben & Jerry's in five minutes. But we'll tell them to do it safely, by being sure they use proven girth-control methods like washing it down with Diet Coke, or bulimia.

Kids have been eating junk food since the beginning of time. It's time we made peace with that reality. Puritanical methods like banning junk food from schools and lecturing kids on unrealistic concepts like self-control have failed. Kids are culinary beings, just like the rest of us; we need to let them embrace these natural appetites.

Reality, people, come to grips with it.

<< /sarcasm off >>