A Job Suggestion

Dear Gail Saunders, Honorable Advice Columnist:

Help. I have been gainfully unemployed for several years now after losing my job at a hotdog stand. I have looked for a job everywhere, even at the census bureau, but I couldn't pass that test. Then I applied to all the coffee shops and bars I haven't been banned from and have been scanning websites like monster.com. You are known to be very smart and wise, and I am seeking you out because I am out of ideas. What do you think?

Near the Dole

Dear Dole:

You were wise to come to me because I have just the answer: Motherhood. I know it cannot only be meaningful and venerable, but it can also be very lucrative especially for those in your situation. So I suggest that do your best to remain close to the poverty level before attempting Phase Two of the plan: having babies. This will be your fait accompli.

There are many financial benefits to siring children. One is that Uncle Sam will be there to lend a helping hand, come rain or hail or sleet or snow. And it doesn't matter whether you are here legally or not. That is the beauty of the Baby Making Plan. The government will pay you for having babies, or in the event you are a man, to sire some with someone else. If you are beyond the childbearing years, then hire a surrogate, adopt or look into foster care. This is a case where "the more the merrier" applies.

The beauty of the Baby Plan is that the government will give you a monthly stipend for each one and will help pay for pampers, napees and other baby things. You will get food stamps, free medical care (that everyone else has to pay for), and one royal heck of break at tax time.

Being fruitful and multiplying never had such depth, breadth and meaning. Good luck and get going today!