A GEM of a Christmas
A winless season is something new;
For Ray Evernham, an unexpected plot.
His drivers considered among the best;
His cars apparently were not.
Kasey Kahne could not break through,
A second place at Bristol, the best that he could do.
Elliott Sadler fared far worse,
His top-10 finishes from season’s past added up to two.
In steps George Gillett, his pockets deep, a welcome sight;
Enter Patrick Carpentier, a Canadian with a future bold and bright.
Budweiser’s in, Best Buy too. Enough new money for all;
But the Christmas wish at the top of their list is a Dodge engine that does not stall.
A GEM of a Christmas. A one-act play:
Ray: Kasey, Elliott, good to see you. George and Patrick are already here. I want you all to get to know each other better.
Kasey: I brought the beer.
Elliott: You sure you’re old enough to buy that?
Kasey: Didn’t have to. They gave it to me. Cases of it. I can’t get rid of it fast enough.
Ray: George, Patrick, you remember Kasey and Elliott.
George: Kasey, you grew up in Washington. Ever play hockey?
Kasey: No sir. Not really.
George: How about you Elliott? Ever lace ‘em up? Can you skate backwards?
Elliott: About the best I can do is a reverse layup, sir. And that’s on a good day.
George: No matter. Just looking for some help for my hockey team. Let’s talk racing.
Patrick: You said it, eh?
Elliott: What’s that?
Patrick: What’s what?
Elliott: You talk a little funny.
Patrick: So do you.
Elliott: No, I mean you talk different. I’m just not used to it yet. At least you’re easier to understand than that Juan Pablo fellow.
Patrick: I understand Juan Pablo just fine. Now Sam Hornish Jr., he’s a hard one to figure out.
Ray: Boys, settle down and listen up. I don’t want to see a repeat of what happened last year. We need to make some changes.
Kasey: We getting new cars?
Ray: Mmmmm... No.
Elliott: New engineers?
Ray: Wrong again.
Kasey: What then? Not new drivers. You already got rid of Scott. Who’s next?
Ray: We’re not changing drivers either. I have some ideas, but I want to hear some of your thoughts too before I start making changes.
Patrick: Oh, Kasey brought beer.
Kasey: Take as many as you like. I got plenty.
Patrick: Only Budweiser? I think I’ll pass.
Kasey: What’s wrong with Budweiser?
Patrick: Nothing. It’s just not Molson. Canadians can be a little snobby when it comes to beer. And doughnuts.
Ray: All right boys, that’s enough. Let’s get down to business. I know last year was a little rough. I haven’t had a winless season in as long as I can remember. What I am about to propose to you is a little unconventional, but if I could grant you one wish, change one thing about your teams, what would it be?
Elliott: Only one thing?
Ray: Only one.
Elliott: There’s a lot of things wrong with my team.
Ray: But you can only pick one thing to change. I want to know what you think is the biggest problem with your team.
Elliott: The engines.
Ray: I can’t change that.
Elliott: You asked what’s the biggest problem with my team. The engines aren’t very good. Not nearly as good as the Chevys. The Fords are even better. And you know now that Toyota is with Joe Gibbs, they’re going to have better engines than ours, too.
Ray: Kasey? How about you?
Kasey: Engines.
Ray: Patrick. I know you’ve only been with us for a few races, but anything you want to change?
Patrick: Fans.
Ray: What? What’s wrong with the fans?
Patrick: Just not used to them, I guess. They’re friendly enough, always wanting to chat. But how’d they get so fat? Not all of them. But some of them... you’d think walking around a two mile track all day, they would lose some weight. We got some hefty fans.
Ray: I can’t do much to change that either. This isn’t working the way I expected.
George: Well, what do you want to change, Ray?
Ray: Well, that’s just it. I’m not sure what to change. We have no excuses next year. Plenty of money. More resources. Experienced drivers. There’s no reason all three of these teams shouldn’t be in the Chase next year.
George: So what’s the problem?
Ray: The engines.