Recently in Being a Mom Category

COFFEE TALK: After infant care, the second most talked-about issue on mommy blogs and Web sites is that busy husbands and wives barely see each other, and are rarely together without the children. There's a lot of debate and confusion about when it's OK to leave the kids for the weekend, or even for an evening. Enter Bette Alkazian, a marriage and family therapist, whose balancedparenting.com addresses the dilemma. You can also meet her and seek advice from 9:30-11 a.m. the first Tuesday of every month at Chocolatine, 2955 E. Thousand Oaks Blvd., Thousand Oaks.

CUTTING SCHOOL: A reader whose child attends the Las Virgenes Unified School District sent a link to an online petition that supports keeping Proposition 98 intact. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has proposed suspending Prop. 98, which guarantees minimum funding to public schools, and cutting $4.8 billion to help balance the state's budget. California is ranked 46th in the nation in per-child education expenditures, and the cuts would push it to last place. See www.thepetitionsite.com/1/48-billion-

cut-to-the-california-states-pulic-schools.

PLAY IN L.A.: You know that out-of-the-way oasis park you've heard about but can never seem to find? Parentzone has a great list of the region's best play spaces, with recommendations from parents
http://la.parentzone.com/parent

resources.asp?prid=461

MEET MISS BIMBO: Warning: this makes Bratz look like the Brady Bunch. A month-old Internet game targeting girls 9-16 has players buy diet pills, plastic surgery and lingerie to win points for their online character. MissBimbo.com has received so much press coverage - most of it from outraged parents - it seems to be permanently grounded. Still, it's out there.

SPOTLIGHT ON WOMEN: Shine, a new Yahoo site for women, launched this week, looking a lot like the Huffington Post Living section (www.huffington post.com/living), with all its contributing bloggers. Shine is celebrity and fashion-heavy, but it's very effective at compartmentalizing life so that busy people can go there and find what they want to read quickly. I especially like the cheat sheet of news at the top, and the work + money section is filled with practical issues for working mothers. http://shine.yahoo.com

SEUSS FOR BREAKFAST: Twentieth Century Fox has signed with IHOP to promote its "Horton Hears a Who!" movie by adding green eggs and ham, the combination made famous by Dr. Seuss, and Who-cakes through April 20.

barbara.correa@dailynews.com 818-713-3662 www.insidesocal.com/lamama/

The numbers of women in the workforce has declined slightly in the last decade, and one result is that restaurants are seeing fewer families coming in for dinner, according to a story the The Wall Street Journal ran last week.

Personally, I've been taking the kids out for dinner a whole lot more recently, now that they are so much more manageable. It's just so nice to have someone else clean up the mess they make. But it really is silly -- they barely eat, so guess who ends up finishing off the leftovers? Not good.

What are your eating out habits?

L.A. Mama: Best of the blog this week:

MOMNESIA is my favorite new buzzword. It gives me an excuse for all the really stupid things I find myself doing, like chatting on my cell phone while frantically scouring the house - and even the car - for my cell phone. I used the excuse of Momnesia a lot right after my girls were born, but, years later, the explanation is wearing this. For instance, the cell phone incident didn't occur the month after they were born. It happened just last week. In a fun USA Today article, a researcher speculates that it takes so much brain power to keep your eyes on your kids, it hurts performance in memory and other areas.

HOMESCHOOL DEBATE: A California appeals court ruled recently that parents who home school their kids must have a teaching credential. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger called for a reversal, and local homeschool groups are working to reassure homeschoolers that the ruling isn't law yet. Stay tuned.

MOTHER'S HELPER: Help for Mommy is a new Web-based networking site for parents to find baby sitters, nannies, personal chefs, tutors and household help. Users can advertise for jobs or pay for lists of applicants, and background checks are also available. See www.helpformommy.com/user/index.php.

SMART MOVES: Time spent in physical education class does not detract from elementary school students' ability to excel in the classroom and may even help improve girls' academic performance, according to a study published in the American Journal of Public Health. No significant change in academic achievement was found for boys. www.ajph.org.

MOTHER OF ALL GARAGE SALES: A reader called to remind me that LA Kids Consignment, a monster sale of used children's clothes, equipment and stuff, happens March 28-30 in Van Nuys. See http://lakidsconsignment.com.

INSTRUCTIONS NOT INCLUDED: "Baby: An Owner's Manual" is a new book by Woodland Hills mom Nancy Sayles Kaneshiro and Dr. Bud Zukow, chairman emeritus of the Department of Pediatrics at Encino/Tarzana Regional Medical Center. With a subtitle promising to answer your first 365 phone calls, it's got practical answers to basic questions for first-time parents who don't know their diaper from their drooling cloth.

Momnesia -- It's my favorite new buzzword. It gives me an excuse for all the really stupid things I find myself doing, like talking to a friend on my cell phone while searching the house (and even walking out to the car) in search of .... my cell phone.

I used Momnesia to excuse a lot of things for the first few years after my girls were born, but the problem is, the excuse is wearing thin. They're not babies anymore, but I don't think my brain has ever fully regained its sharpness.

For instance, that incident with the cell phone didn't occur the month after they were born. It just happened last week. In a fun USA Today article, a researcher says part of the reason for the mental fuzziness is that it takes so much brain power to keep your eyes on your kids, it hurts performance in other areas, like memory.

This is the story of how I found myself considering spending $50 for the privilege of purchasing a case of baby wipes. Let me explain.

After the excesses of holiday spending and entertaining, I was on a downsizing kick, and I let my Costco renewal -- due at the end of December -- lapse. My husband and I have been carrying on a dialogue about the pros and cons of Costco membership for about five years now. On the one hand, we really can't stand the supersized consumerism that Costco represents -- the big, fat SUVS filled with big, fat people jamming a big, fat parking lot so they can shop in that morbidly obese store.

The thing is, what I like at Costco I really like. There are the Noah's bagels, the rotisserie chickens, but I wouldn't fork over the $50 for Costco just for those things. I can get those elsewhere. What I can't get anywhere else is the baby wipes. It's not just me: Costco's Kirkland wipes have achieved a cult-like following on the Internet.

I googled "Costco wipes'' and found a slew of sites waxing philosophic about Kirkland wipes' superiority over other brands, like Target or Walmart. I was thrilled to discover that I'm not alone in how strongly I feel about these wipes. The biggest thing they have going for them is the way they are packaged. Kirkland wipes are the only ones I've seen that have a lid on the top of each individual pack, so the wipes stay moist.

For you nonparents out there, this is going to sound even sadder than it is bizarre. And believe me, I'm with you. In my days of singlehood, living in Manhattan and spending a day's salary on complicated drinks whose names I couldn't pronounce, I would have sworn that you would never hear the word wipe from my mouth, or my keyboard.

But here I am, writing with authority about a piece of cloth whose purpose it is to wipe a bottom. But there's your irony: I would venture to bet that the vast majority of baby wipe buyers aren't even using it for its intended purpose. At our house, Costco wipes clean hands and faces, double as dishcloths, dusters and indestructible picker uppers, way better than paper towels. They can stand in as an eraser for the chalk board, and my husband has taken to stashing them in his car to clean the windows.

There, I've said it. I've proven why it makes sense to spend $50 for the right to buy a case of wipes. Even though it really doesn't make sense.

HOW TO PREPARE FOR BECOMING A PARENT

Lesson 1

Go to the grocery store.

Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

Go home.

Pick up the paper.

Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already
are parents and berate them about their:

Methods of discipline.

Lack of patience.

Appallingly low tolerance levels.

Allowing their children to run wild.

Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding,
sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it, because it will be the last time in your life you will have
all the answers.

Lesson 3

To discover how the nights will feel...

Walk around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing
approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or s ome other
obnoxious sound) playing loudly.

At 10PM, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until
1AM.

Set the alarm for 3AM.

As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink.

Go to bed at 2:45AM.

Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

Sing songs in the dark until 4AM.

Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.

Look cheerful.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...

Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all
summer.

Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

Then rub them on the clean walls.

Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

Buy an octopus and a sma ll bag made out of loose mesh.

Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang
out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a jar of paint, turn it
into an alligator.

Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch tape
and a piece of aluminum foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas
candle.

Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa
Puffs.

Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower .

Lesson 7

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it
out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like
that.

Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.

Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back
seat.

Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

There. Perfect.

Lesson 8

Get ready to go out.

Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour.

Go out the front door.

Come in again. Go out.

Come back in.

Go out again.

Walk down the front path.

Walk back up it.

Walk down it again.

Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.

Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every
cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect
along the way.

Retrace your steps.

Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors
come out and stare at you.

Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Lesson 9

Repeat everything at least (if not more than) five times.

Lesson 10

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can
find to a pre-school child. (A full- grown goat is excellent).

If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.

Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.
Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having
children.

Lesson 11

Hollow out a melon.

Make a small hole in the side.

Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the
swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month old baby.

Lesson 12

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney,
the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on T V for at least five
years.

Lesson 13

Move to the tropics. Find or make a compost pile. Dig down about halfway
and stick your nose in it. Do this 3-5 times a day for at least two
years.

Lesson 14

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying "mommy" repeatedly. (Important:
no more than a four second delay between each "mommy"; occasional
crescendo
to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your
car
everywhere you go for the next four years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 15

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually
tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the "mommy"
tape made from Lesson 14 above. You are now ready to have a conversation
with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is very last minute, but I was at Children's Book World today (buying birthday presents of course -- for kids not my own) and saw that L.A. Parent magazine is soliciting 1,000 word essays by mothers who have something to say about the hilarious absurdity that is parenthood. The deadline is Friday, Feb. 15! So if you have a funny story to tell, go to http://losangeles.parenthood.com to enter the contest. The winner will get to read with Momcelebs -- could be a way to start that stay-at-home career.

My MOMSPACE column, based on this blog, runs every Thursday in the Los Angeles Daily News. I spend my week perusing the Web for weird, useful, fun trends in parenting, so check here every week for tidbits you won't find anywhere else. And let me know what you like or didn't like, at barbara.correa@dailynews.com.

DROP-IN DAYCARE: It's a working parents' greatest dilemma: the preschool is closed; your babysitter is sick; your neighbor is at work, where you are due in less than an hour. What to do? A company called Bright Horizons (www.brighthorizons.com) runs child care centers that will take drop-in kids if they have space. There are just three locations in greater L.A., and the hours, availability and price vary. See details at www.insidesocal.com/momspace/

ONLY IN L.A.: Being bilingual is all the rage in multicultural Los Angeles. You see it in elementary school immersion programs and parks & recreation classes, and now bilingualism is becoming part of everyday life, from Kindermusik classes to playgroups. My local Moms club just sent around an Evite for a bilingual playgroup for toddlers speaking English and Spanish, and the California Association for Bilingual Education has started parent workshops. Habla Espanol? It’s time to learn! www.bilingualeducation.org.

BABYSITTER RATE POLL: I don’t know about you, but I ended up paying a jacked up $22 an hour for a New Year’s Eve babysitter because my husband announced at 4 pm that evening that a colleague was throwing a party that we just had to attend. The rate was through an agency I use only when I’m desperate. The sitters are always professional and wonderful, but it burns me to pay such crazy prices to someone to sit in my living room watching television. What’s the most/least you’ve ever paid for a babysitter? What do you consider a reasonable rate? Participate in our poll at www.insidesocal.com/momspace/

FED UP: Two Angry Moms is a documentary by two Connecticut mothers “fed up’’ with the low quality of school cafeteria food. They take a video camera to school to record students consuming neon green slushies, greasy fries and supersize cookies, and calling it lunch. The film has been making the rounds at community theaters since last spring in an effort to start a movement toward healthier school food. See clips of the film and more info at: www.angrymoms.org

SURVIVING TWEENS: Oh pre-teen and teenaged girls. The tortured soul, the raw emotion, the unbelievable sensitivity of young girls. I figure we have a good ten years until we'll be confronted with all this as parents, and I joke that my husband will be so old by then that a lot of the drama won't register. Still, it's never too early to prepare.
The current January/February issue of Daughters magazine focuses on nurturing the parent-daughter relationship during the angst-ridden tween years. Highlights include “girl-led’’ conflict resolution, getting an inactive girl moving, and eating disorder 911. (www.daughters.com)

For more on work, family and parenting in L.A., go to www.insidesocal.com/momspace/

My friend H. is a single working mother who has a daughter with a serious medical condition. The only way she can handle her child’s lengthy doctor visits is to use her federally-mandated 12 weeks of unpaid leave in spurts, instead of in a single stretch. But she's worried because her employer isn't thrilled with the arrangement. She says they'd rather have her schedule a leave in one solid block planned well in advance. As we all know, however, that's not how it goes when you've got an ill child or parent to take care of. What parents need from the Family & Medical Leave Act is flexibility, which is one thiing most companies hate.

Right after H. told me about her situation, I read an article in the Wall Street Journal (soon to be free online) about the tug of war being played out between HR departments and working parents all over the country. According to the article, the Labor Department asked for comments on the FMLA last year and was flooded with responses and is considering defining the law more specifically.

In the meantime, some companies are goiing to extreme lengths to check up on employees claiming the leave. One firm, Matrix, even advertises spying services on its Web site to catch workers using family medical leave fraudulently.

For more information and eligibility requirements for FMLA, see the Labor Department site.

Holiday strategies for parents of teens and tweens, from Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa Rice, authors of “For Parents Only”

1. OFFER CHOICES OR ALTERNATIVES
Our research shows that kids are addicted to freedom and fearful of losing it, so when you can, offer choices or alternatives to a blunt “no.” For example, if Sally wants to spend all Christmas afternoon with her BFF, instead of a knee-jerk “no,” a parent might consider allowing her to spend a few hours at her friend’s house when Grandma Judy wasn’t expecting to see her anyway.

2. MAKE EXPECTATIONS CLEAR
Make expectations clear so kids don’t fear losing their all-important freedom over the holidays. For example, a parent might tell Jimmy that he can use the car to go to the mall to Christmas shop as long as he is back in the drive-way by 9:15 p.m. And provided he always returns the car by the appointed time and follows the other reasonable car rules, he won’t have to worry about losing his extra car privileges throughout the holiday season.

3. UNDERSTAND THAT NAME BRAND GIFT REQUESTS AND GIFT REJECTION OFTEN POINTS TO DEEPER IDENTITY NEEDS
Ninety-three percent of the teens surveyed say they deeply want to develop and show their own identity, separate from their parents’ – a need parents might misunderstand. For example, Tommy’s begging for those particular sneakers isn’t about the price tag: he’s wanting that “look” to make a statement that “this is who I am!” Solution? Validate his need to make that statement, by shopping with him to find something else (a backpack, a shirt…) that allows him to express his developing identity on the family budget. Also, when choosing gifts for Tommy on your own, remain somewhat emotionally detached and keep the receipts.

4. LISTEN FIRST AND OFTEN
Learning to listen in the way a kid needs can head off a lot of the friction otherwise felt during the holidays. When Susie tells you her teacher criticized her in front of the class, she isn’t looking for you to demand the teacher’s phone number and fix the problem. In fact, 81% of kids surveyed said they want Mom or Dad to listen to how they are feeling about the problem, first, and only then ask if they can help. Commiserating about the embarrassment she felt will make her feel heard, make her less stressed and defuse the jangling emotions that might otherwise cloud dinner with your Aunt Gladys.

5. ATTITUDE CAN BE A SYMPTOM OF FEAR OR INSECURITY IN ANOTHER AREA
Our research showed that many exasperating teen ‘attitudes’ are actually signs that they are being swamped by an underlying fear or insecurity in another area of their life. D.J.’s sullenness over being asked twice to set the table may signal that he’s actually still feeling like a failure after dropping the game-winning pass last Friday night. Realizing the intense fear of being “left out” that underlies Julie’s less-than-polite requests to go to that Christmas party can allow a parent to address not only the outward attitude, but the fear beneath it.

Hillary Clinton would make the least trustworthy babysitter among Presidential candidates, according to poll results released today by Parents Magazine. Rudy Giuliani came in second as worst potential babysitter, followed by John McCain and Barack Obama. The candidate parents trust the most to babysit? Mitt Romney.

More results from a telephone poll of more than 1,000 parents of children aged 12 and under:

TIME STARVED: When asked what they need more of, 45% of parents said time and 27% said money. They also craved family outings (62%) more than time alone (22%).

STRESSED: One in two parents (51%) feel more stressed than their parents were. 61% of single parents say that.

SCARED: Top worries for parents are: sexual predators in the community (80%) and the media’s influence on children (80%). Environmental hazards are the top health concern among parents (18%). Childhood obesity (16%) and ADHD and other learning challenges (13%) were also top concerns.

STRAPPED: More parents (57%) are more concerned with saving for college than saving for retirement (22%).

ON SCHOOL: 54% said that the No Child Left Behind Act has had no impact on their children’s education. One in six actually think it has had a negative effect.

FAILING GRADE FOR GOV: Respondents give governmental officials an “F” across a range of issues from access to affordable health care (31%), to the war in Iraq (37%), to serving as good role models for their children (30%). Seventy-one (71%) percent of parents who identified themselves as Republicans said they felt the government could be doing more to help families.

Halloween may be over, but it’s still a scary time to be a parent, what with wildfires and the pollution they spew, antibiotic-resistant staph outbreaks, the launch of lice season and, of course, those weekly recall announcements.

There wasn’t a whole lot parents could do about these dangers this week, aside from trying to “keep the kids indoors’’ to protect against all the residual smoke and ash from the fires. Clearly, officials who advised that tactic don’t have two life-size Energizer bunnies running around their house.

I’ve never been much of a stay at home Mom. For me, it’s always been more fun and less stressful to get the kids out into the world. With that in mind, I went looking for indoor fun this week and put together a list of my favorite mall playgrounds for Momspace, our new blog about work, family and parenting in L.A. Readers sent in some great suggestions too.

In a place where the weather is sunny and bright about 300 days of the year, it is truly shocking that we have so many fantastic creative indoor spaces to take our kids.

Here are five:

Westfield Topanga Mall (Canoga Park) As every Mom knows, all the Westfield shopping centers have these awesome mini parks somewhere in the mall, usually strategically located near the food court. The newly remodeled Topanga mall boasts what I consider the Cadillac of mall playgrounds. Not only is it near the food, it’s right next to the brand new Carousel, offering the ultimate in one-stop toddler entertainment. Carousel: $2; playground is FREE

Westside Pavilion (West Los Angeles) This mall is not owned by Westfield, but it has one of the best playgrounds around. The play area, filled with giant, climbable fruits and cookies, has a reputation among Westside Moms for being a Petri dish of germs. But it’ll keep the kids occupied for hours. It’s also right next to the food. FREE

Westfield Fox Hills Mall (Culver City) This playground is fairly standard, but it’s new and what I like best about it is it’s a lot less crowded than the other ones. It’s also just down the escalator from Old Navy. One downside – it’s nowhere near the food court. FREE

Playsource (Woodland Hills and Camarillo) 4,000 square feet of climate controlled fun; bouncy houses, plus all the usual play equipment. Great artistic wall murals. Picnic tables for bring-your-own snacks. Child admission: $8; sibling discounts. playsourceinfo.com

The Treehouse Social Club (Beverly Hills) Yep, it’s an indoor treehouse – and much more. Connie Stevens’ daughters, Joely and Trisha Fisher, are the brains behind this playspace/spa for kids and Mom that opened last spring. I haven’t actually been here yet, but it looks enticing. Besides the play area and arts & crafts, it’s got a café, boutique and, yes, a full-service spa. And don’t let the Beverly Hills location fool you. It’s $9 kid admission; siblings are $5. thetreehousesocialclub.com

Add your favorite indoor activity. Send me an e-mail at barbara.correa@dailynews.com

A friend just told me about her brilliant idea for limiting sugar intake on this most auspicious day of kiddie indulgence. At the end of Halloween, she announces that the Switch Witch will come overnight and change candy left on the doorstep into a new toy.

Apparently, works like a charm. Watch, mine will be the one who wails, 'but I don't want a toy. I want my candy.' Maybe try telling her that if she eats all that stuff, she might awake the next morning to find she's morphed into a giant lollipop. Brings new meaning to the phrase trick or treat.

Thankfully, my little ghouls (sorry) are young enough that H'ween dress up means something pretty, fluffy and shiny. But I'm sure the day will come when they will want to set aside the fairy princess costumes and outfit themselves as the wicked witch or a sexy devil instead.

We are members of a Russian Orthodox Church; my kids attend preschool at a Jewish temple. Neither of these groups is thrilled with Halloween and its apparent celebration of gore and the netherworld. And while I do find it a little odd that parents well into their thirties and forties spend hours and hundreds transforming their yards into mini graveyards, I also appreciate the masquerade ball aspects of the tradition.

As I told my husband, for little children, it's about creative play and pretending, not to mention the promise of mountains of candy. Yes, people really do celebrate this stuff seriously (I lived in Brazil. Can you say Santeria?). But we have to be able to differentiate between the two.

A former member of the West L.A. Moms Club (who moved to Texas) writes about picking up this book at the library and LOVING IT: "I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids'' By Trisha Ashworth and Amy NobileIn.

The spirit of the authors' love of "If you've ever" lists, here's one of my own. If you've ever:
* Served frozen waffles for dinner (doesn't that smidgen of whole grain count for something?)
* Stayed in your pajamas for the entire day (or two)
* Let your kids watch one more show because, after all, Noggin is "Like Preschool on TV"
* Ignored your nap-deprived child as he played with your cell phone because, frankly, a $50 phone call to China would be less painful than taking it away...

This may be the book for you. Peachheaders were recently asking for readign material -- looks like this one is a winner.