Being a Mom: November 2007 Archives

My friend H. is a single working mother who has a daughter with a serious medical condition. The only way she can handle her child’s lengthy doctor visits is to use her federally-mandated 12 weeks of unpaid leave in spurts, instead of in a single stretch. But she's worried because her employer isn't thrilled with the arrangement. She says they'd rather have her schedule a leave in one solid block planned well in advance. As we all know, however, that's not how it goes when you've got an ill child or parent to take care of. What parents need from the Family & Medical Leave Act is flexibility, which is one thiing most companies hate.

Right after H. told me about her situation, I read an article in the Wall Street Journal (soon to be free online) about the tug of war being played out between HR departments and working parents all over the country. According to the article, the Labor Department asked for comments on the FMLA last year and was flooded with responses and is considering defining the law more specifically.

In the meantime, some companies are goiing to extreme lengths to check up on employees claiming the leave. One firm, Matrix, even advertises spying services on its Web site to catch workers using family medical leave fraudulently.

For more information and eligibility requirements for FMLA, see the Labor Department site.

Holiday strategies for parents of teens and tweens, from Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa Rice, authors of “For Parents Only”

1. OFFER CHOICES OR ALTERNATIVES
Our research shows that kids are addicted to freedom and fearful of losing it, so when you can, offer choices or alternatives to a blunt “no.” For example, if Sally wants to spend all Christmas afternoon with her BFF, instead of a knee-jerk “no,” a parent might consider allowing her to spend a few hours at her friend’s house when Grandma Judy wasn’t expecting to see her anyway.

2. MAKE EXPECTATIONS CLEAR
Make expectations clear so kids don’t fear losing their all-important freedom over the holidays. For example, a parent might tell Jimmy that he can use the car to go to the mall to Christmas shop as long as he is back in the drive-way by 9:15 p.m. And provided he always returns the car by the appointed time and follows the other reasonable car rules, he won’t have to worry about losing his extra car privileges throughout the holiday season.

3. UNDERSTAND THAT NAME BRAND GIFT REQUESTS AND GIFT REJECTION OFTEN POINTS TO DEEPER IDENTITY NEEDS
Ninety-three percent of the teens surveyed say they deeply want to develop and show their own identity, separate from their parents’ – a need parents might misunderstand. For example, Tommy’s begging for those particular sneakers isn’t about the price tag: he’s wanting that “look” to make a statement that “this is who I am!” Solution? Validate his need to make that statement, by shopping with him to find something else (a backpack, a shirt…) that allows him to express his developing identity on the family budget. Also, when choosing gifts for Tommy on your own, remain somewhat emotionally detached and keep the receipts.

4. LISTEN FIRST AND OFTEN
Learning to listen in the way a kid needs can head off a lot of the friction otherwise felt during the holidays. When Susie tells you her teacher criticized her in front of the class, she isn’t looking for you to demand the teacher’s phone number and fix the problem. In fact, 81% of kids surveyed said they want Mom or Dad to listen to how they are feeling about the problem, first, and only then ask if they can help. Commiserating about the embarrassment she felt will make her feel heard, make her less stressed and defuse the jangling emotions that might otherwise cloud dinner with your Aunt Gladys.

5. ATTITUDE CAN BE A SYMPTOM OF FEAR OR INSECURITY IN ANOTHER AREA
Our research showed that many exasperating teen ‘attitudes’ are actually signs that they are being swamped by an underlying fear or insecurity in another area of their life. D.J.’s sullenness over being asked twice to set the table may signal that he’s actually still feeling like a failure after dropping the game-winning pass last Friday night. Realizing the intense fear of being “left out” that underlies Julie’s less-than-polite requests to go to that Christmas party can allow a parent to address not only the outward attitude, but the fear beneath it.

Hillary Clinton would make the least trustworthy babysitter among Presidential candidates, according to poll results released today by Parents Magazine. Rudy Giuliani came in second as worst potential babysitter, followed by John McCain and Barack Obama. The candidate parents trust the most to babysit? Mitt Romney.

More results from a telephone poll of more than 1,000 parents of children aged 12 and under:

TIME STARVED: When asked what they need more of, 45% of parents said time and 27% said money. They also craved family outings (62%) more than time alone (22%).

STRESSED: One in two parents (51%) feel more stressed than their parents were. 61% of single parents say that.

SCARED: Top worries for parents are: sexual predators in the community (80%) and the media’s influence on children (80%). Environmental hazards are the top health concern among parents (18%). Childhood obesity (16%) and ADHD and other learning challenges (13%) were also top concerns.

STRAPPED: More parents (57%) are more concerned with saving for college than saving for retirement (22%).

ON SCHOOL: 54% said that the No Child Left Behind Act has had no impact on their children’s education. One in six actually think it has had a negative effect.

FAILING GRADE FOR GOV: Respondents give governmental officials an “F” across a range of issues from access to affordable health care (31%), to the war in Iraq (37%), to serving as good role models for their children (30%). Seventy-one (71%) percent of parents who identified themselves as Republicans said they felt the government could be doing more to help families.

Halloween may be over, but it’s still a scary time to be a parent, what with wildfires and the pollution they spew, antibiotic-resistant staph outbreaks, the launch of lice season and, of course, those weekly recall announcements.

There wasn’t a whole lot parents could do about these dangers this week, aside from trying to “keep the kids indoors’’ to protect against all the residual smoke and ash from the fires. Clearly, officials who advised that tactic don’t have two life-size Energizer bunnies running around their house.

I’ve never been much of a stay at home Mom. For me, it’s always been more fun and less stressful to get the kids out into the world. With that in mind, I went looking for indoor fun this week and put together a list of my favorite mall playgrounds for Momspace, our new blog about work, family and parenting in L.A. Readers sent in some great suggestions too.

In a place where the weather is sunny and bright about 300 days of the year, it is truly shocking that we have so many fantastic creative indoor spaces to take our kids.

Here are five:

Westfield Topanga Mall (Canoga Park) As every Mom knows, all the Westfield shopping centers have these awesome mini parks somewhere in the mall, usually strategically located near the food court. The newly remodeled Topanga mall boasts what I consider the Cadillac of mall playgrounds. Not only is it near the food, it’s right next to the brand new Carousel, offering the ultimate in one-stop toddler entertainment. Carousel: $2; playground is FREE

Westside Pavilion (West Los Angeles) This mall is not owned by Westfield, but it has one of the best playgrounds around. The play area, filled with giant, climbable fruits and cookies, has a reputation among Westside Moms for being a Petri dish of germs. But it’ll keep the kids occupied for hours. It’s also right next to the food. FREE

Westfield Fox Hills Mall (Culver City) This playground is fairly standard, but it’s new and what I like best about it is it’s a lot less crowded than the other ones. It’s also just down the escalator from Old Navy. One downside – it’s nowhere near the food court. FREE

Playsource (Woodland Hills and Camarillo) 4,000 square feet of climate controlled fun; bouncy houses, plus all the usual play equipment. Great artistic wall murals. Picnic tables for bring-your-own snacks. Child admission: $8; sibling discounts. playsourceinfo.com

The Treehouse Social Club (Beverly Hills) Yep, it’s an indoor treehouse – and much more. Connie Stevens’ daughters, Joely and Trisha Fisher, are the brains behind this playspace/spa for kids and Mom that opened last spring. I haven’t actually been here yet, but it looks enticing. Besides the play area and arts & crafts, it’s got a café, boutique and, yes, a full-service spa. And don’t let the Beverly Hills location fool you. It’s $9 kid admission; siblings are $5. thetreehousesocialclub.com

Add your favorite indoor activity. Send me an e-mail at barbara.correa@dailynews.com