Ryan Riley: April 2009 Archives

By Ryan Riley, Contributor

The release of "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" is only a few days away, so the Wolverine-centric columns continue. This second installment on the character of Wolverine will focus on some of the less-than-shining moments of his career. He may be the best there is at what he does, but he is also pretty good at getting himself into some humiliating situations.

Wolverine in orbit

During the X-Men's first encounter with the Shi'ar, the group entered the inside of the reality nexus known as the M'Kraan Crystal in an attempt to prevent the destruction of the universe. They are confronted by the guardian of the crystal, a diminutive gent named Jahf. Wolverine, as he was wont to do in his early days as an X-Man, didn't take Jahf's threats at all seriously because of his small stature, and was knocked into orbit for his lack of respect. If it hadn't been for the Starjammers intercepting him as he reached escape velocity, it was likely his healing factor wouldn't have saved him.

Half the man he used to be

The oft-delayed Ultimate Wolverine vs. Hulk mini-series opened up with an image so visceral that it was both embarrassing and gruesome at the same time. Wolverine accepts an assignment to track down Bruce Banner, who escaped his execution at the hands of his former bosses at S.H.I.E.L.D. He finds Banner, who has managed to find a way to retain his mental faculties as the Hulk. When Wolverine moves to apprehend the Hulk, the Hulk grabs him, tears him in half and tosses his torso and legs miles away from each other. Wolvie then has to do a soldier's crawl across miles of forest to reunite with his missing legs.

The mutant with no nose

To be fair, this is technically more of a "What the hell was Marvel thinking?" moment, but the look that Wolverine sported around the time of the Onslaught crossover was so cringe-inducing that I felt it had to be included. Back in the mid 1990's, Wolverine was dealing with the effects of having all the adamantium torn from his bones (including his claws) by Magneto in the Fatal Attractions storyline. A villain named Genesis (who turned out to be Cable's son - don't ask) happened upon the idea of kidnapping Wolverine and giving him his adamantium back in order to use him as a weapon. In the middle of the procedure, Wolverine awakens and starts to struggle, resulting in his body violently expelling the adamantium before it could bond with his bones. This resulted in what appeared to be a slide down the evolutionary ladder for our boy. With a caveman-like body, lung teeth, a messed-up hairdo (for Wolverine, that's saying something) and a vestigial stump of the nose, his physical appearance was bad enough. When Marvel put him in a costume that would have made Rob Liefeld wince, it made for one of the least auspicious eras for the perennial fan-favorite.

"Percy Dovetonsils"

Leave it to Joss Whedon to bring out the wimp in Wolverine. In Whedon's third story arc on Astonishing X-Men, Torn, Prof. Xavier's evil sister Cassandra Nova activates a telepathic virus that enables her to manipulate Emma Frost into attacking her fellow X-Men. She puts them through what each would consider their own private hell, like having Beast regress to a completely feral state. But what she did to Wolverine was diabolical indeed. She reached into his earliest memories and regressed him to his childhood state, where he was a sickly little crybaby of a boy. This results in his making paper dolls and running away from danger like a scared little girl above other things. The effect was short lived, but for a short time his motto was "I'm the best there is at what I do, but what I do...is ever so pretty!"

Beaten up by a (spider) woman

Early into Brian Michael Bendis' run on New Avengers, it seemed like he relished placing Wolverine into embarrassing situations. But possibly the most emasculating of them all was his very first appearance in the book. In the aftermath of the jailbreak at the Raft, Captain America takes his team of New Avengers, including Spider-Woman, Luke Cage & Spider-Man, to the Savage Land to recapture Karl Lykos (a.k.a. Sauron). Shortly after they land there the group gets separated. Spider-Woman spots a menacing shadow approaching her from the jungle brush and reacts in kind. When it is all done, her and Cage are witness to a laid-flat Wolverine that has had his claws forcibly lodged into his own throat. Face it, Wolverine, you got served!

It is now your turn...

You guys should know the drill by now. Share your favorite embarrassing Wolverine moments with us and the rest of the class.

By Ryan Riley, Contributor

There are only a few weeks left until "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" hits theaters on May 1. This presents an ideal opportunity to explore the history of this unconventional comic book superhero. The next few columns I will write will examine various aspects of Wolverine as a character. This first column will highlight the very best stories featuring our favorite Canucklehead. Since there have been so many Wolverine stories over the years, there are a lot of them to choose from. Here are what I think are the most memorable of the lot.

*This column discusses the plot points of a variety of Wolverine stories, some of which contain story spoilers. Consider yourselves warned.

Wolverine (mini-series)

This was the very first solo Wolverine series ever published by Marvel. Up until then, Wolverine was only starting to develop into a more complex character in the pages of Uncanny X-Men under the guidance of Chris Claremont. The inaugural mini-series, by Claremont and Frank Miller, took Wolverine's character to a whole other level. Wolverine was romantically involved with a Japanese woman named Mariko Yashida, and at the start of the story she has broken off all contact with him. When he travels to Japan to seek answers, he finds her married to another man because of an obligation to her father, a Yakuza crimelord named Shingen who she had assumed was dead. When Wolverine protests this arrangement, Shingen challenges him to a duel and proceeds to soundly thrash the X-Man. Having been humbled as never before, Wolverine embarks on a journey that pits him against the Yakuza, the Hand ninja clan and his own bestial nature. At the story's conclusion, Wolverine regains his honor and proves that he is more human than animal. This take on the character became the benchmark for every Wolverine story since.

By Ryan Riley, Contributor

Up until a year ago, conventional fanboy wisdom stated that Alan Moore's Watchmen was unfilmable, and that any attempts to translate it to the big screen would end in disaster. The arguments against it were many, but the two most compelling arguments involved the sheer volume of story contained in the book and the less-than-contemporary setting of 1985. Though some harsher critics of Zack Snyder's "Watchmen" film would agree with that assessment, I felt that it was (for the most part) very well-executed and it seemed to be pretty well-received by moviegoers.

So now that Pandora's Box has been opened, it got me thinking about other comic books that might have proven to be problematic to make into a movie. There are some comic books that are nearly as compelling as Watchmen, and would be glowing examples of why the comic book movie boom is a good thing. They also have their own unique obstacles that would, at the very least, complicate any possible adaptations. This is my shortlist of books that would fit this mold.

*Note: Various plot points for each of these books are discussed. You have been warned.

The Dark Knight Returns

The Rundown

As I stated in an earlier column, there were two books from the 1980's that opened my eyes to the greatness of the comic book medium. One was Watchmen, and the other was Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns. Not to be confused with last year's movie "The Dark Knight", The Dark Knight Returns tells the tale of a fifty-something Bruce Wayne taking up the mantle of Batman again after ten years of retirement. In the process of his renewed crusade against Gotham City's criminal element, he has to contend with the formidable gang called The Mutants, a police department under new leadership that is not amused by his antics and a rejuvenated Joker that has lost none of his lethal edge.

Why a movie should be made

If it weren't for this decidedly dark look at an older Batman, the Batman movies from Tim Burton's "Batman" to Christopher Nolan's "The Dark Knight" might not have gotten greenlighted. And there are some scenes from The Dark Knight Returns that are begging to be made, like the Joker's appearance on the David Endochrine show (an obvious homage to "Late Show" host David Letterman) and the climactic battle between Batman & a government-controlled Superman.

The reason it might not happen

Before the release of "Watchmen", I would have said it was Dark Knight's less-than-contemporary setting of the 1980's. Even though the era of the story wasn't made implicit, everything about the political and cultural climate of the setting just screamed Eighties. But now that "Watchmen" has shown that it's not a dealbreaker, it's not so much whether a movie can be made but rather if they could make it as good as it could possibly be. Getting Frank Miller involved, maybe even to direct, would go a long way to ensure a quality adaptation.

The Ultimates

The Rundown

The concept of Marvel's premier superhero team is re-imagined by Mark Millar as a government sponsored initiative put together by General Nick Fury to guard against superpowered menaces such as Magneto and his Brotherhood.

Why a movie should be made

In this case it's not if the movie will be made so much, as there is an Avengers movie in the works that has Mark Millar's basis for his Nick Fury, Samuel Jackson, actually playing Fury. But other than that inspired casting choice, it's not likely to resemble Millar's story too closely. That's a bloody shame, because having a Hulk that has no compunctions about killing (and even eating) innocent people and an Iron Man that wholeheartedly embraces his alcoholism is too much fun. And before you say anything, I don't count the animated "Ultimate Avengers" as a true adaptation, because they toned down the brilliant R-rated action and situations to fit the mold of a PG-13 movie that would appeal to a wider audience. Not the greatest of translations.

The reason it might not happen

It will happen, but much like what happened with the movie adaptation of Mark Millar's Wanted, the finished product will retain little of what made the the book so much fun to read in the first place. And that's a lowdown, dirty shame.

Kingdom Come

The Rundown

Superman and his Justice League contemporaries return after years of self-imposed exile to control a new generation of superheroes that don't think anything of endangering innocent people when they do battle. They also have to deal with chaos that springs from behind-the-scenes machinations by Lex Luthor, not to mention what Batman has planned.

Why a movie should be made

Kingdom Come is one of the most powerful superhero-based comic book stories ever told. It is both epic and human at the same time, and that dichotomy would work exceedingly well in a movie. It takes the Spider-Man adage of "Power & Responsibility" to a whole other level, has twists and doublecrosses galore, and is action-packed enough to keep even the most jaded action film fan happy.

The reason it might not happen

As wonderful a movie as it would make, Kingdom Come might just be a little too ambitious to be on the big screen as a live action movie. With its cast of hundreds of heroes and villains, I don't know if even Michael Bay could keep up with all of the action. On the other hand, if Alex Ross handled the art direction with an animation-house like Dreamworks, it would make a kick-ass computer animated film that would make anything that came before it look like a Tom & Jerry cartoon.

X-Men: Age of Apocalypse

The Rundown

Charles Xavier's mentally unbalanced mutant son, Legion, travels to the past in an attempt to kill Magneto before he becomes a threat. When Charles dies as a result of trying to save Magneto, history is profoundly altered. Apocalypse raises an army of mutants and ends up taking over North America. Magneto forms his own team of X-Men in honor of his late friend, and leads them in an often futile attempt to protect what's left of humanity. The last hope to restore reality to its previous state lies within Bishop, the only person who remembers the world as it was before.

Why a movie should be made

The Age of Apocalypse storyline from the 1990's was a fresh way of looking at the X-Men mythos. Without Xavier to guide the course of mutantkind, the world becomes a decidedly darker and unpredictable place. For example, Cyclops, arguably the Luke Skywalker of the X-Men franchise, ends up working for the dark side without Xavier to take him under his wing. He eventually runs afoul of Wolverine, and their battle ends up costing Cyclops an eye and Wolverine a hand.

The reason it might not happen

After the debacle that was "X-Men: The Last Stand", the franchise needs a good reboot. The upcoming Wolverine flick looks to be a step in the right direction, but I don't think the studios would be willing at this point to make a film based on a storyline as esoteric as Age of Apocalypse.