Holiday strategies for parents of teens and tweens, from Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa Rice, authors of “For Parents Only”

1. OFFER CHOICES OR ALTERNATIVES
Our research shows that kids are addicted to freedom and fearful of losing it, so when you can, offer choices or alternatives to a blunt “no.” For example, if Sally wants to spend all Christmas afternoon with her BFF, instead of a knee-jerk “no,” a parent might consider allowing her to spend a few hours at her friend’s house when Grandma Judy wasn’t expecting to see her anyway.

2. MAKE EXPECTATIONS CLEAR
Make expectations clear so kids don’t fear losing their all-important freedom over the holidays. For example, a parent might tell Jimmy that he can use the car to go to the mall to Christmas shop as long as he is back in the drive-way by 9:15 p.m. And provided he always returns the car by the appointed time and follows the other reasonable car rules, he won’t have to worry about losing his extra car privileges throughout the holiday season.

3. UNDERSTAND THAT NAME BRAND GIFT REQUESTS AND GIFT REJECTION OFTEN POINTS TO DEEPER IDENTITY NEEDS
Ninety-three percent of the teens surveyed say they deeply want to develop and show their own identity, separate from their parents’ – a need parents might misunderstand. For example, Tommy’s begging for those particular sneakers isn’t about the price tag: he’s wanting that “look” to make a statement that “this is who I am!” Solution? Validate his need to make that statement, by shopping with him to find something else (a backpack, a shirt…) that allows him to express his developing identity on the family budget. Also, when choosing gifts for Tommy on your own, remain somewhat emotionally detached and keep the receipts.

4. LISTEN FIRST AND OFTEN
Learning to listen in the way a kid needs can head off a lot of the friction otherwise felt during the holidays. When Susie tells you her teacher criticized her in front of the class, she isn’t looking for you to demand the teacher’s phone number and fix the problem. In fact, 81% of kids surveyed said they want Mom or Dad to listen to how they are feeling about the problem, first, and only then ask if they can help. Commiserating about the embarrassment she felt will make her feel heard, make her less stressed and defuse the jangling emotions that might otherwise cloud dinner with your Aunt Gladys.

5. ATTITUDE CAN BE A SYMPTOM OF FEAR OR INSECURITY IN ANOTHER AREA
Our research showed that many exasperating teen ‘attitudes’ are actually signs that they are being swamped by an underlying fear or insecurity in another area of their life. D.J.’s sullenness over being asked twice to set the table may signal that he’s actually still feeling like a failure after dropping the game-winning pass last Friday night. Realizing the intense fear of being “left out” that underlies Julie’s less-than-polite requests to go to that Christmas party can allow a parent to address not only the outward attitude, but the fear beneath it.