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July 30, 2006
Have some waifers with that wine
I was out of town this weekend, but returned to Los Angeles to find Mel Gibson had practically written my next blog post for me.
As everyone knows, he was pulled over on suspicion of drunk driving and, according to the original police report (a later version omitted the worst behavior of the escapade), Gibson went off about owning Malibu and blamed the Jews for all wars (even the War of the Worlds?), then asked the arresting deputy if he was Jewish.
This shouldn't be a surprise to anyone. It says right there on the bottle: According to the surgeon general, women should not drink alcoholic beverages during pregnancy. Consumption of alcohol impairs your ability to drive a car, and may result in anti-Semitic rants.
It's said that you can't be put in jail for being an idiot, but you can be put in the newspaper. This is a lesson that Mr. Gibson apparently hasn't learned in all his years in Hollywood.
Gibson apologized in a statement and said he regretted some of his words, but didn't clue us in on what those words were.
I wish him a recovery from his drinking problem, as well as a quick turnaround for his thinking problem.
Posted by Greg Sidor at 08:39 PM | Comments (0)
July 27, 2006
Dodgers out of "sync"
Daily News columnist Steve Dilbeck destroys the already shattered confidence of the Dodgers today, and declares the season lost.
However, I see a great money-making opportunity ahead for the franchise: set up a special game against the Cubs, billing it as the first baseball game in which both teams will manage to lose. It may seem impossible, but I assure you, I've done the math (mostly subtraction).
In other news, "'N Sync's" Lance Bass came out the other day, prompting millions of Americans to try and remember who Lance Bass is. This is news past it's prime. It's like Scotland Yard announcing they know the identity of Jack the Ripper - a great story, a couple hundred years ago.
Finally, reality television has found a new way to humiliate people with "Who Wants to Be a Superhero?" Contestants square off as a superhero of their making, hoping to have a comic book and movie produced.
Even the losers get something - a spot on the new show, "Who Wants to Find a Job?"
Posted by Greg Sidor at 03:29 AM | Comments (1)
July 26, 2006
When George met Nouri
President Bush and Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki held talks Tuesday in Washington, D.C., the results of which surprised some people. Al-Maliki resisted condemning Hezbollah, and called for an immediate cease-fire to hostilities in Lebanon and Israel - something the Bush administration doesn't want.
Many observers also criticized the prime minister's fashion sense, as his, "I was elected prime minister of Iraq and all I got was this kevlar t-shirt" top failed to wow White House staffers.
However, both leaders were in agreement that Iraq is in a poor state, and neither offered an innovative plan to improve the situation.
Bush said, "Obviously the violence in Baghdad is still terrible and therefore there needs to be more troops." Al-Maliki added, "... God willing, there will be no civil war in Iraq." God could not be reached for comment, but has been noticeably silent on the politics of the region.
In a somewhat related note, Crosy, Stills, Nash and Young are touring the nation, spreading an anti-establishment message that, "We don't have to believe what our president believes to be patriotic," according to Neil Young.
Fair enough, and I agree with a lot of what they have to say, but they're preaching to the converted at their shows. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that not many oilmen and GOP heavyweights will be sitting out in the audience rolling doobies.
In fact, preaching against Bush at a CSNY show is sort of like singing the praises of plastic surgery at a Hooters restaurant. While you may meet with a receptive audience, in the end you'll feel that your energy would have been better spent perfecting your ping-pong game.
Finally, and completely unrelated to the above items, Time Inc. is going to stop publishing "Teen People" magazine. The Web site will live on, but sources inside the company said they were sick of CNN's Anderson Cooper harassing them about more coverage. As for me, I'm a Soledad O'Brien guy.
Posted by Greg Sidor at 02:38 AM | Comments (0)
July 25, 2006
Compassion abounds
Today's letters from readers contain some interesting positions regarding Americans who found themselves trapped in Lebanon during the ongoing crisis in the Middle East.
One reader says, "You put yourself in harm's way, are warned not to go, go anyway and then blame the U.S. for your stupidity." She also doesn't want to pitch in any cash for the rescues. Another writer says of those who found themselves in danger, "We have enough trouble on our plate without people like this making more."
These are interesting positions given that the authors have chosen to make their homes on a latticework of fault lines. I suppose if they find themselves trapped under an I-beam after the next earthquake, and no one comes to help, we can at least take comfort in the fact that they knew they had it coming.
It's not like these people were in Lebanon on spring break; many were visiting family and probably found it easier to go to Lebanon than have a Lebanese person try to get into the U.S. And the most frightened and vulnerable were American children.
For God's sake, we managed to scrounge up $300 billion for a debacle in Iraq - can't we at least spend a few million on Americans?
Contrary to popular belief, the government is meant to protect us from more than just gay marriage and teachers who bring science into the classroom. Have some compassion for your fellow Americans and think about more than what it's going to cost you.
Posted by Greg Sidor at 02:50 AM | Comments (0)
July 24, 2006
The yin and the yang
If this photo doesn't make you feel a little bit uncomfortable, I don't know what will. It's like looking at a waxing moon, where one side is illuminated and beautiful, and the other is engulfed in darkness. There goes my job with Mr. Trump!
The winner of Miss Universe was 18-year-old Zuleyka Rivera Mendoza of Puerto Rico. So mad props for her (it's what the kids are saying, I don't pretend to understand).
What I did see of the pageant made me feel rather inadequate. These women have accomplished so much. The announcer would read off a name and say, "She speaks three languages, volunteers with the disabled, and is studying to be a pediatrician."
My introduction would be something like, "He rents an apartment, works the night shift, and drives a '96 Nissan. He's also ugly."
This is why I'll go back to watching "Cops." It just has a way of making you feel better about yourself.
Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa was in attendance, though he was greatly dismayed at how much camera time the young women received. There goes my job with the mayor's office.
Posted by Greg Sidor at 04:49 AM | Comments (0)
July 23, 2006
The tears of a clown
Note to Hezbollah and Israel: You're making it very difficult for me to do my job. Humor does not abound on today's news pages.
Yet I press on ...
Miss Universe 2006 will air tomorrow night on NBC. The title seems to be a bit deceptive, since the beautiful, leggy creatures of Omega 7 were stopped by the Minutemen at the border and sent home. The Daily News will have a post-game photo gallery, just in case you want the magic to last a little longer.
The Miss Universe pageant has the notable distinction of being the only competition in which the Germans and Russians abstain from steroids. However, I'm not clear on whether or not plastic surgery counts as a performance-enhancer.
The crown looks a little bit small for Miss Universe, but then again, these are tiny women.
I'll once again be outside the Shrine Auditorium protesting the misogynism inherent in such competitions - and, you know, trying to get some digits.
Posted by Greg Sidor at 01:31 AM | Comments (0)
July 21, 2006
No comparison
Daily News reporter Naush Boghossian covers the flap over LAUSD Superintendent Roy Romer's "State of the Schools" address on Thursday.
Romer compared Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa's statements about the school district to the propaganda put out by the United States against Japanese citizens during World War II. The mayor pounced on the attack, and demanded an apology to Japanese-Americans.
I must confess, I don't know a thing about Roy Romer (he seems to lack a MySpace page), but I do know that he needs an editor.
While what he said was offensive, it was also downright bizarre. Chances are, if you're not Japanese, you don't know much about the propaganda techniques used to turn people against them over a half century ago.
Was Romer picking events out of a hat? A little to the left and we'd be talking about the Spanish-American War? At least then he could have closed with a rousing, "Remember the Maine!" The kids always love that.
Japanese-Americans should have responded with a simple, "Don't bring us into your spitting contest," and Villaraigosa could have exclaimed, "You're talking crazy, man!"
I could understand it if this were something said off the cuff, but this was a big speech for Romer. He should have written it out on index cards and read it to a friend for some constructive criticism. Anyone with a P.C. barometer would have sensed it wasn't a good line.
All of this acrimony could be put to rest if Romer would just give Mayor Villaraigosa what he wants: the power to name lots of schools after himself. Maybe even be the inspiration for a new mascot ("The Fightin' Antonios?").
This is almost as bad as the time I compared my laundry pile to the Hindenburg disaster, but now I'm talking crazy.
Posted by Greg Sidor at 02:17 AM | Comments (0)
July 18, 2006
Talk dirty to me
If you wisely chose to turn off the television last night and read a book instead, you probably missed the news that President Bush has a potty mouth.
In some comments picked up by a live microphone, Bush remarked about the current Middle East situation: "See the irony is that what they need to do is get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this s--- and it's over." And the crowd went wild!
At that point anything else said at the meeting was inconsequential. President Bush could have revealed that our soldiers in Iraq were going to be replaced by laser-shootin' robotic cowboys from the future, and the press still would have led their stories with his off-color remark.
I for one think that George W. Bush has the right to swear left and right. With Iraq a mess, his party in trouble, and the entire Middle East teetering on the edge of oblivion, I think he's perfectly justified in venting. Heck, if I were him, I'd be dropping the f-bomb when I kissed Laura goodnight.
I like this more frank President Bush. He never looked comfortable in the role of the polished statesmen, and going live on the air and telling Syria to "Stop doing this sh--," would at least score him some points at home. Anyhow, he's sure to have a better command of four-letter words than of the diplomatic lingo.
I'd go one further and start cracking jokes about the terrorist leaders - just to get under their skin. The advantage is definitely on our side, since Hezbollah seems to lack a sense of humor, and more importantly, Jewish writers. Yes, it's high time we let President Bush be himself on the world stage - after all, things can only go up from here.
Posted by Greg Sidor at 03:02 AM | Comments (0)
July 14, 2006
Dollar diplomacy
According to the Congressional Budget Office, the U.S. has spent approximately $300 billion dollars on the Iraq war so far, bringing new truth to the old adage that "money doesn't buy happiness." What could we have accomplished if we'd spent that money at home? Here are some figures:
1. We could've bought 7,500,000 2004 Corvettes at $40,000 each. Suddenly, Toyota wouldn't be feeling so hot, would they?
2. We could've purchased 25,000,000,000 copies of Ronald Reagan's film, "Bedtime for Bonzo," at $12 each. Since there are only about 6,000,000,000 people on the planet, every new generation could get a copy to remember him by - big plus for the GOP!
3. We could have sent 60,000,000,000 people a complimentary "Big Mouth Billy Bass," the singing fish mounted to a plastic display plaque, at a meager $5 a pop on eBay. Imagine the laughter! They'd cheer, "America! America!"
4. 15,000,000,000 1-year subscriptions to "Playboy" magazine would give adolescents the world over something to hide under their mattresses. At only $20, it might even help some fundamentalists lighten up (alternately, we can also supply "Playgirl").
There you have it. The answer to the question, "War - what is it good for?" seems to be, "Much less than it ends up costing us."
Posted by Greg Sidor at 02:48 AM | Comments (0)
July 12, 2006
Plenty to talk about
"...Hispanics, and all immigrants, are real Americans," according to White House political strategist Karl Rove. It seems like for once the Bush administration is taking on a progressive point of view. Rove went on to reveal that women have feelings, and that it's wrong to kick your dog. Thanks for the heads up, Karl.
Debate erupted in the Daily News newsroom this afternoon as editors, reporters, and lowly online producers alike tried to settle on the correct spelling of the slang terms "homes" and "homie." Some people, giving our youth far more credit than they deserve, held that there was a silent "l" in the word, as in Sherlock Holmes.
I happen to know for a fact that gangsters abhor silent letters, and soon set them straight. Some feelings were probably hurt, but in the end we all learned something, and that's what this whole news business is about.
I just received an invitation to go to the Bird Flu Preparedness Forum on Wednesday, July 26 in North Hollywood. Hosted by Assemblymember Paul Koretz, guests will learn about the bird flu and "Do's and Don'ts."
#1. DO stay away from dead birds.
#2 DO NOT open-mouth kiss your pet chicken. They are foul animals with loose moral fiber and low self-esteem.
Is it right to make fun of a potentially deadly epidemic? Let's put it this way: I'm more concerned about Drunk-Kid-with-Mercedes-Slamming-Into-Me Flu. How about Ungodly-High-Rent Flu? As it is I had to sublet my closet to a family of chickens to make ends meet. Oh God - I just had a startling realization.
Posted by Greg Sidor at 02:23 AM | Comments (1)
July 11, 2006
Here and there
There aren't many light/funny pieces in today's Daily News, though the death of this terrorist had potential. Unfortunately, the Russians failed to incorporate any comedic elements into their alleged attack. They could have at least tried to get him when he was on the can.
Universal Press Syndicate, which distributes Anne Coulter's columns, have rejected the plagiarism allegations against her.
The president of the company had this to say to the AP: "There are only so many ways you can rewrite a fact and minimal matching text is not plagiarism." Fair enough, but Anne isn't in the business of writing facts - she twists them and adds in some faux rage for good measure. Her audience should at least be able to expect some creativity.
Daily News writer Eugene Tong has a story about Glendale police dogs getting body armor. Personally, I won't be satisfied until they have guns. The LAPD and Long Beach department don't provide body armor for their doggy officers - sounds like somebody's gotta have a talk with their union.
Finally, Liz Taylor has said she isn't going to starve herself to compete with skinny Hollywood actresses. So for all you casting directors who were thinking, "Liz Taylor or Jessica Alba?" she just made your choice for you.
Posted by Greg Sidor at 02:21 AM | Comments (0)
July 07, 2006
Fight On - in the cheap seats
Daily News writer Scott Wolf has a piece today on the USC marching band surrendering their seats behind the team in favor of the Sun Deck, an area of cheaper seats behind the goal posts. The university claims it's to help project the band's sound, but cynics are saying the Spirit of Troy got the boot so USC could sell some prime seats.
I went to USC, and I hope the band isn't getting the shaft, because they are very good at what they do. And if they're displeased with this move, USC officials should be fearful. The band operates as a sort of massive, musical fraternity. I have no proof, but my theory is that when on the field, they operate with a sort of hive-mind. It allows them to pull off complex maneuvers and keep time with the music.
In short, an enraged band could be a dangerous band. I can just imagine an unlucky USC official waking up to find a broken flute on the pillow next to him. At that point it's probably too late to take anything back, and it's only a matter of time before he's set upon in a flurry of cardinal and gold. It could get very ugly, very fast.
Buried deeper in the story is the demise of the yell leaders, the all-male group that would attempt to pump up fans during the games. They will be replaced by 14 male students to help lead cheers during the game. My suggestion: drop the dudes, add more song girls. But that's only one man's opinion.
Posted by Greg Sidor at 04:16 AM | Comments (0)
July 04, 2006
Safety first
Rich Hammond writes about security improvements at Dodger Stadium in today's Daily News. Among the things we learn in the article are that thugs are very thrifty people, and only started showing up last year when some ticket prices were reduced to $2 from the higher $6-10 norm.
Presumably the difference was pocketed and put into the hydraulics/rim set fund that so many of those living the thug life maintain.
According to the fans in the article, the games have gotten more safe, and they bring their children without much fear of a ruckus. Uniformed LAPD officers are now present, and the $2 promotion was discontinued. And while that may mean less violence, it also means my date will be paying her own way.
Which may or may not be related to why I'll be spending the Fourth of July alone in the office ... hm, food for thought.
Posted by Greg Sidor at 12:56 AM | Comments (0)
July 01, 2006
Tasteless
As I was checking out the latest fashions at Target today, I noticed the family friendly retailer had copies of Anne Coulter's new book, "Godless," for sale. Given the cruel and ridiculous things she's said lately, I was surprised they'd want to associate with her.
Both Target and Wal-Mart, who also stocks the book, have strict policies against selling violent videogames and pornography at their stores.
Now, being the spineless liberal that I am, I'm against almost all kinds of censorship, unless it involves a shirtless Larry King. But the least we can ask for from these retailers is some consistency.
Garbage is garbage, no matter what package it comes in. Truth be told, I'd be a lot happier finding a Playboy underneath my son's mattress than an Anne Coulter book - at least the former has some interesting interviews.
Unfortunately, the book is selling like hotcakes, so it's doubtful Target or Wal-Mart will give it up. I still may fire off a letter asking them to justify the seeming contradiction in the "bare breasts bad, hate speech good" mindframe.
I really wish Anne would cool down a bit. I think we'd make a cute couple - matching Adam's apples and all.
Posted by Greg Sidor at 03:41 PM | Comments (0)