« July 2006 | Main | September 2006 »

August 25, 2006

Do you have a Plan B?

Lock up your daughters and bring out your Bibles! The FDA has agreed to allow over-the-counter sales of the "morning after" pill, known as Plan B, to people 18 and older.

Concerned Women for America, a conservative group, objects on several grounds. The most bizarre is their fear that girls under 18 could be force-fed the pills by sexual predators as a way of covering up their misdeeds. This assumes that a sexual predator would shell out the $25-40 for a dose of pills as opposed to cheaper methods of birth control. Not only are they perverts, but according to CWA, they're also really bad at math.

In other news:

Daily News reporter Brad Greenberg has a piece today about people burying statues of St. Joseph upside down in their yards to bring them good luck in selling their homes. It all sounds a bit disrespectful to Joseph (who, as the ultimate stepdad, probably deserves better), but who knows?

It's kind of like the advice my good ol' pa used to give me about success in relationships: Shave daily, be polite, and make lots and lots of money. Words to live by.

Finally, the DWP has begun an ambitious project to turn the San Fernando Valley into America's largest waterpark. So meet me this weekend on the Lazy River (previously known as Ventura Boulevard).

Posted by Greg Sidor at 03:40 AM | Comments (0)

August 21, 2006

Please, don't 'Express Yourself'

German authorities decided not to investigate Madonna's totally unpretentious crucifixion act on her new tour. Apparently there had been rumors they could nab her for "insulting religious beliefs," the same statute, that, coincidentally, kept my "Mime-Pope" routine out of Berlin.

I have to be honest here: Madonna annoys the bejesus out of me. We get it, you like attention! You've sold millions of albums, a fortune in concert tickets, and are adored by legions of people with bad taste. Do you have to bring the crucifixion into this?

I might think differently if you were making a salient piont. Are we supposed to believe you've been persecuted somehow? I'm no Biblical scholar, but I don't think Jesus was called out for dressing in skimpy outfits.

I'm kind of glad Britney Spears has faded away into motherhood. I don't think I could live in a world where, twenty years down the road, we see her in a confusing routine referencing Nelson Mandela.

K-Fed, on the other hand ...

Posted by Greg Sidor at 04:33 AM | Comments (0)

August 18, 2006

How to convince your girlfriend to see "Snakes on a Plane"

"Snakes on a Plane" is finally here, but your girlfriend may have other plans for your weekend. Fear not! Below are five schemes sure to get you out of a romantic dinner and into a darkened theatre.

1. The Mushy Approach: Tell her you've had a lifelong fear of snakes, and you want to confront your phobia with her at your side.

2. The Tough-Love Method: Convince her you're going to the opera. When you pull up to the theatre, say, "I lied."

3. The French Connection: Refer to the movie only as "Serpents sur un Avion," leading her to believe an evening of culture is in store.

4. The Sleazeball: When she refuses, ask if you can have her best friend's phone number.

5. The 9-to-5: Tell her you need new material for your Daily News blog, or else it's back to "Isn't Anne Hathaway hot?"

You now have no excuse not to see this movie. For God's sake, it got three stars from the DN's Glenn Whipp!

Posted by Greg Sidor at 04:35 AM | Comments (1)

August 17, 2006

Did we misoverestimate him?

MSNBC's Joe Scarborough questions President Bush's intelligence in a recent entry on the Huffington Post.

Scarborough, a conservative voice, finally got worried about our commander-in-chief when he heard Republican voices complaining that Mr. Bush, "detests dissent, embraces a narrow world view and is intellectually incurious." File this piece under "things most of us knew six years ago."

While much is made of Bush's lack of command over the English language (Red state readers: you may commonly refer to it as "American"), I'm less concerned about his intellectual abilities than his obstinance. Mr. Bush is the Wile E. Coyote of foreign policy, staying the course until he's far past the cliff's edge, all the while refusing to look down for fear of admitting failure.

And yet, gravity has a way of catching up with you.

Plenty of dumb people get by just fine in life; indeed, some of them prosper. But few succeed when they adopt such a stubborn philosophy as Mr. Bush and fail to react to the fluid situations around them.

The lack of leadership coming out of the White House now doesn't prove the president is dim-witted, just that he lacks the maturity to change course and try something new ... especially if that something involves conceding a point to his political foes.

No one cares if the president can quote Shakespeare or do long division in his head. We do want someone who is in touch with reality, and secure enough to put his reputation second to the success of the nation as a whole. Mr. Bush needs to forget the past and embark with a fresh outlook on the future.

Posted by Greg Sidor at 03:33 AM | Comments (1)

August 15, 2006

We're all doomed

In today's Daily News, reporter Dana Bartholomew reveals that even new high-rises that are built to code could face destruction in a massive earthquake.

There's some debate about how to apply a simulation across a wide variety of structural shapes and designs, but one thing is made clear: my Precious Moments collection is living on borrowed time.

Columnist Bridget Johnson ponders the '08 Republican nominee for president in her most recent column. She mentions some front runners, and though I'm a Democrat, I have a helpful suggestion. What about the Monopoly guy?

He's instantly recognizable, will test well across age groups, and signals a return to an emphasis on economic health (OK, he's a robber baron, but I'd take him over Jeb any day).

Best of all, he can buy up Iraq, build a few hotels, and turn the place around. If he messes up things too badly, he's just a bad move away from being sent to jail.

Posted by Greg Sidor at 02:26 AM | Comments (2)

August 11, 2006

Rough times for al-Qaida

Things are not well on the jihadi front. Not only does it appear that a major terrorist attack has been foiled, but Osama bin Laden just learned that his bunker hideout is being converted to a condominium. Tough break!

The plan to bomb airliners in-flight using liquid explosives has brought back some of the fear and paranoia experienced after 9-11. Aside from the fact that this attack seems to have been foiled, there's better news for Americans between the lines.

The past few al-Qaida attacks have been in Spain, Britain, and Iraq. This latest plan involved planes en route to the United States. It's apparent that operating within the United States has become very difficult for the terrorists. This is a good thing, and the Bush administration deserves credit for putting the heat on the bad guys.

If our allies can institute similar security measures, they can make it a real headache for al-Qaida to operate in their countries, too. The ultimate goal, of course, is that the terrorists run such a high risk of failure operating within free nations that they pack up their suicide vests and go home. Wishful thinking? Perhaps.

But even a suicide bomber must be disappointed after putting all those Saturday nights into planning, only to be foiled at the last minute.

So it's a good day for the good guys. This won't stop al-Qaida, as they're driven by religious fervor and a perverted ideology. But you can bet that Osama bin Laden was really upset when his English buddies stopped returning his phone calls, and knowing he's crying his weekend away will make mine all the more enjoyable.

Posted by Greg Sidor at 04:14 AM | Comments (0)

August 08, 2006

Blame it on the beat

According to a Rand Corp. study, via the Associated Press: "Teens whose iPods are full of music with raunchy, sexual lyrics start having sex sooner than those who prefer other songs, a study found."

Do you mean to tell me that I have James Taylor to blame for my failure to achieve total stud status in high school? That John Denver is the culprit in keeping my swinging self down? Their masterful lyrics and peaceful strumming of the guitar were the real obstacles to a life like the ungrateful brats on MTV?

Some parents will be all willing to point the finger at saucy lyrics, but I'd hazard a guess that even the kid with Peter, Paul and Mary on loop is thinking about ways to impress the opposite sex for a good portion of their day.

Natasha Ramsey, a 17-year-old contributor to the Web site Sexetc.org, says, "Teens will try to deny it, they'll say 'No, it's not the music,' but it IS the music. That has one of the biggest impacts on our lives." Spare me. I listen to Jim Croce, but I've never taken an 18-wheeler out for a "West-coast turnaround."

I'm not saying that music doesn't expose kids to risky behavior or bad ideas (take the Hokey Pokie - after years of listening, I still don't know what it's all about), but to lay risque behavior on Snoop Dogg's doorstep is to overlook a lot of other factors.

Most important is what parents teach their kids about healthy relationships. Little Jimmy could be composing the next great book of hymns, but if he sees mom or dad mistreating the other, that's going to make an impression far greater than anything even the most depraved musician could come up with (Donny Osmond, I'm looking in your direction).

Contrary to what our Congressmen and women seem to believe, Janet Jackson's nipple slip didn't reawaken a long-lost primal urge in our nation's teenagers, turning them into sex-obsessed creatures. It's always been there, and is simply a matter of a parent being a louder voice than the Pussycat Dolls.

In other words, if John Denver had ditched his signature song about Colorado in favor of, "Forget the Rockies, Give me Some Hotties," I'd probably still be the perfect gentleman I am today. I have my parents and some extremely awkward teen years to thank for that.

Posted by Greg Sidor at 02:28 AM | Comments (1)

August 07, 2006

Out of ideas?

For all the animosity between the extreme right and left wings in this country, one thing has become abundantly clear: Neither side has any idea what they're doing.

According to Newsweek, the White House has begun contigency plans for an Iraqi civil war (or rather, when they choose to admit there's one going on). President Bush would apparently remove our forces from Iraq, since having to choose sides between Saddam's old Sunni henchmen and Iran's Shiite buddies would be an irony that would blow our freakin' minds. But until then, it appears we trudge along.

This all happens as Cindy Sheehan returns to Crawford, Texas to protest near President Bush's ranch (Can't the leader of the free world clear brush in peace?). Ms. Sheehan, who now owns property in the town, is there with the Crawford Peace House. Just what is their mission? I quote:

"Our Vision is to make the Crawford Peace House a culturally and religiously diverse center for spiritual growth and intellectual understanding that offers hope to humanity by providing positive alternatives to the cult of war.

Our dream is to create beautiful gardens conducive to prayer and meditative reflection, as well as facilities for ecumenical worship and study."

Jesus, are we really in that deep over our heads that the only choice is "stay the course" or "do yoga, drink soy milk and hope everything turns out OK?"

If you thought Mel Gibson's tirade against the Jews was in bad taste, check out this from the Crawford Peace House Web site:

"We are outraged that the U.S. can't stop Israel's relentless bombardment of Lebanon and military siege of Gaza. ...The Bush Administration's blind support for Israel's military adventures in the Middle East does not serve the interests of our nation."

No word yet on when Hezbollah leaders will meet with Sheehan in the beautiful garden to meditate and reflect on how tough life has gotten for them recently.

The country is hungry for some leadership and some new ideas. "Stay the course" is not a strategy, and resting in a field of puppy dogs and rose bushes won't solve our problems, either. Somewhere between the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, someone must have an idea. Just not this guy; I don't think our problems can be solved with sarcasm (rumor has it Hezbollah has a lousy sense of humor).

Posted by Greg Sidor at 01:37 AM | Comments (0)

August 06, 2006

Can't we all just get along?

In a potentially positive development for the Middle East today, the U.S. and France are circulating a cease-fire plan at the U.N. to end, or at least tone down, the Israeli/Hezbollah conflict.

I'm a little suspicious of this. The U.S. and France working together on a peace plan? This is the diplomatic equivalent of taking your cousin to the prom - sure, you showed up, but nobody is going to take you seriously.

If that's a case of politics making strange bedfellows, current events can also get you sent to the metaphorical couch.

Sheik Safar al-Hawali, a Sunni cleric who apparently helped inspire Osama bin Laden, has called Hezbollah, a Shiite group, "the party of the devil." The devil immediately objected, saying, "Don't bring me into this. I left the Middle East for Las Vegas years ago, and to be honest, I haven't regretted it for one day."

All of this Sunni/Shiite animosity and sectarianism is enough to make you dizzy. As they head towards civil war in Iraq, it's hard to see much of a place for our soldiers there.

Now, I'd never advocate a "cut-and-run" strategy. That's unpatriotic, and I bleed red, white and blue (puzzling Western medicine, by the way). But I'm starting to seriously consider a "mosey-on-out-of-town" approach. I'm thinking we quietly shut down our shop and saunter towards the door. We'll send a postcard when we get home, something along the lines of, "Glad you're not here."

It's the kind of tough-love approach that makes me so popular with the ladies. It's as easy as telling your girlfriend you need to "redeploy your forces over the horizon." And believe me, that kind of talk melts people like butter.

Posted by Greg Sidor at 12:06 AM | Comments (0)

August 04, 2006

Wait a minute, Mr. Postman

Daily News reporter Lisa Friedman covers the sad state of mail delivery in Los Angeles in an article out of our Washington, D.C. bureau.

It seems that letters have been delayed up to six days, and periodicals even longer. This explains why Jessica Alba has yet to comment on the poetry I sent her, and why the latest issue of "Extreme Bass Fishing" is missing from my coffee table.

Apparently someone leaked an internal report from the postal service to Rep. Henry Waxman, D-Los Angeles, who in turn leaked it to the public. Leave it to a Democrat to reveal our most guarded postal secrets. No doubt Bill O'Reilly is already on the case.

Now Waxman and his constituents want answers, and you don't want to tangle with that group. Next they're going to look into why the youngsters next door leave their music on so loud, and I'd hate to be on the receiving end of that inquiry.

In all seriousness, though, the solution is called e-mail. It's instantaneous, and you don't even need a stamp! Oddly enough, I read about it in last months "Extreme Bass Fishing."

Posted by Greg Sidor at 04:54 AM | Comments (0)

August 02, 2006

Change of plans

Now that the City Council has put limits on disruptive behavior at meetings, two things become apparent: the public will be curtailed in what it can say in its generous one-minute window, and my jug band will have to perform our protest songs outside.

Daily News reporter Kerry Cavanaugh writes, "Under the new rules, the council can cut off speakers who disrupt the meeting with comments that are personal, impertinent, unduly repetitive, slanderous or profane." This is quite a blow to my band, since our first single is called "Unduly repetitive, slanderous and profane." Now if only we could get the councilmembers to limit themselves to two terms! Zing! You can bet they're feeling that one downtown!

The city is cracking down on illegal cabs. Lucky for me I don't think rickshaws fall under the current plan, so I'm in the clear for now.

Finally, the X Games are coming. DailyNews.com has set up a special section at www.dailynews.com/xgames so that you can keep track of who breaks what during each of the events. This is a seperate competition from the Ex Games, which just leave everyone with a broken heart and some bittersweet memories.

Posted by Greg Sidor at 12:19 AM | Comments (0)