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September 27, 2006
Osama bin Laden is dead to me
Last week the press again began speculating on the fate of terror chief Osama bin Laden. I don't know if he succumbed to typhoid earlier this month, but I do know this: Osama bin Laden is dead to me.
He's one gentleman I hold in very low esteem, indeed.
Osama, you may think you're clever, hiding in some cave in Pakistan. Just know this: You're not welcome in my home.
I'm a very forgiving person, but your repeated calls for my annihilation have led me to believe we're cut from different clothes. And I don't much like your opinions on women, either.
So should you find yourself frightened and alone in Los Angeles, don't look to me for help. Our friendship is one that could never be - and you have no one to blame but yourself.
Posted by Greg Sidor at 03:20 AM | Comments (2)
September 26, 2006
Total anti-theft solution
How do you keep your home safe in this age of thievery and terrorism? Keep a modest collection of severed human heads in your basement.
Burglars broke into an apartment buiding in Vienna where they came across some human heads kept by a dentist for use in research. I know, it doesn't make much sense to me either, but those Europeans get into all kinds of tomfoolery.
This "terrify the thief" method works remarkably well. I use a similar method when I leave work late each night. I slip on a panda suit, add a backwards baseball cap, and head for my car. I haven't met a mugger yet who's willing to try his luck with a guy who sees a panda suit as appropriate attire for the evening.
In totally unrelated news, the Supreme Court will soon begin posting texts of oral arguments online the day they happen.
Finally! I'm sick of having to pirate my Supreme Court arguments from Napster. You just feel kind of guilty ripping off the highest judges in the land - well, except for Scalia. He had it coming all along.
Posted by Greg Sidor at 03:07 AM | Comments (1)
September 21, 2006
Hot Pockets have lost their luster
During college, I counted Hot Pockets microwave foods among my best friends. They were quick and filling. Now that I work the night shift I still rely on microwave meals for my 2 a.m. dinnertime snack, but I've moved onto SmartOnes and Lean Cuisine foods.
Recently, though, I picked up some Hot Pockets at the store - perhaps as a nostalgic trip back to those rowdy college days of two years ago. I heated them up, bit in, and recoiled. Those things are really pretty disgusting.
First of all, the outside never crips properly, leaving some parts really hard and others soft. There doesn't seem to be enough cheese, and the ham - well, the ham just isn't right.
Now I'm left to consider this point: Have Hot Pockets changed, or have I? Have their standards slipped, or mine risen? I have to at least entertain the idea that, despite my toucan-feather hat and Family Guy addiction, some part of me may have matured.
What's next? Will I turn a blind eye to Taco Bell quesadillas? Finally invest in some pants devoid of denim? Leave behind my playboy lifestyle and ditch the Ferrari? Egads!
What will become of me in this post-Hot Pockets era? Stay tuned.
Posted by Greg Sidor at 05:02 AM | Comments (3)
September 15, 2006
The Bush Bologna Sandwich
Fred Barnes of The Weekly Standard spoke to the president recently, and wrote a piece with perhaps the most depressing opening imaginable in the post-9/11 world:
Bush says the way to win the war on terror is not to target bin Laden, but to roll up the terror networks operating in his name. He says, "This thing about . . . let's put 100,000 of our special forces stomping through Pakistan in order to find bin Laden is just simply not the strategy that will work." This from the man who sent as many soldiers in search of weapons that didn't exist.
Sure, the networks need to be targeted. But the man behind the deaths of thousands of innocent Americans gets to walk free? And you say it's the Democrats who are weak on defense?
If you look up "apologist" in the dictionary, you'll see a picture of Fred Barnes. Had Hillary Clinton said bin Laden wasn't worth chasing with all we had, he'd have crucified her for it.
Bush sounds less like a "war president," and more like someone trying to cover his own butt as he heads into the twilight of a faltering administration. It's not only disheartening to think Osama bin Laden may outlast the Bush administration - it's unforgivable.
Posted by Greg Sidor at 03:30 AM | Comments (0)
September 14, 2006
Golfers, the jig is up!
From Daily News reporter Brad Greenberg:
Eureka! I finally get golf. They really had me fooled all these years. I honestly believed it was just a bunch of folks getting together to see if they could hit a tiny ball into a distant hole. And my reaction was always, "But why?"
Now it all becomes clear.
Naked women and alcohol, all in the early morning hours. No wonder my friends always balked when I said the reason for golf's existence was to make baseball look interesting. I sounded like a total lame-o!
Here I spent countless hours at the bowling alley, surrounded by old men with potbellies who smoked like chimneys. It turns out I chose the wrong pseudo-sport! My apologies to the gang at the lanes, but I'm trading in my customized "skull in the center" ball for some clubs.
I have to admit, you all had me going. Now it's time to head to the store for some ridiculous pants and an eccentric-looking hat. I'll see you on the green!
Posted by Greg Sidor at 01:02 AM | Comments (0)
September 04, 2006
Villaraigosa wants mayoral control of Roy Romer
Satire: Only to be believed by the extremely gullible.
LOS ANGELES - In a dramatic escalation of his controversial school-takeover plan, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa has asked state Democratic assemblymen to begin drafting legislation granting him increased authority over the day-to-day life of LAUSD Superintendent Roy Romer.
"As Mr. Romer heads into retirement, I want to make sure he continues to live up to his full potential. We're impressed with what he's done so far, but to reach the next level, it's clear that outside authority will be needed," the mayor said at a Monday press conference.
Reached by telephone, Romer could be heard taking a drag off a cigarette, and then growling, "This time, it's personal."
The two men have been at odds since Villaraigosa began a campaign to wrest control of the troubled LAUSD from the district. The two could often be seen exchanging dirty looks, and some suspect Romer was behind the infamous "Night of 1,000 Pizza Deliveries" at City Hall in June.
"This is unprecedented in Los Angeles politics," said USC professor Herbert Jones, who has written extensively on the local political scene. "Some are thinking it's less about Roy Romer and more about a holiday photo-op for the mayor."
The mayor balked at this suggestion, noting, "I didn't even flash my pearly whites at that conference. This is all about what's best for Roy Romer."
Posted by Greg Sidor at 10:32 PM | Comments (0)