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October 31, 2006
I want my CMT
If you're reading this, you're too late. Time Warner cable has officially bumped Country Music Television from expanded basic cable to one of their digital packages.
Sure, you may chuckle and judge me for enjoying the occasional twangy rock/country song. But country music is one of the few genres that's both entertaining and not afraid to laugh at itself.
If I got sick of hearing about Fergie's "London Bridge" falling down on MTV, or tired of hearing James Blunt whine about something on VH1, I could always turn over to CMT, where only God knew what awaited me.
Would it be a song about love lost, such as Sara Evans' "Cheatin'?" Or the affectionate parody of hip-hop in Trace Adkins "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk?" Maybe it would be Merle Haggard signaling a sea-change in opinion on the Iraq war with his song, "America First."
The point is there was variety, and CMT hasn't been pandering as much to the teeny-bopper or even hopelessly hip college crowd.
But now it's gone. Time Warner has pushed me to brink of ordering their digital service, even though I could care less about what resolution I see Willie Nelson in (No offense to Willie, but less could be more in this case).
So to the monkeys in the suits - you win. But let me take my parting shot. You know Looney Tunes? Guess what? Not that funny. No, seriously. I get it - the coyote is an idiot, and maybe a stalker. And Elmer Fudd has a bloodlust unmatched by the most horrible dictators of the 20th century. Haha. It was funny the first 100 times we saw it.
I hope you're happy with yourselves.
Th-tha-tha-that's all folks!
Posted by Greg Sidor at 05:22 AM | Comments (0)
October 26, 2006
O'Reilly was right
According to Bill O'Reilly, Islamic terrorists are trying to hand this election to the Democrats. He specifically says Iran thinks a Democratic Congress will take a lot of the heat off their mischief-making.
And Bill may be onto something. Through high-tech Daily News communications tools, I managed to intercept a conversation between Osama bin Laden and Iranian President Mahmud Ahmadinejad.
OBL: You been keeping up with American politics?
MA: Oh yes, we are really pulling for the Democrats.
OBL: Indeed. I think it would be fantastic for Harold Ford Jr. to win in Tennessee. Diversity is important in government, especially in a state with such a turbulent past.
MA: I'd actually love to see Nancy Pelosi as the Speaker of the House. I really respect a strong woman.
OBL: God willing, they'll push through some kind of civil union law. The homosexuals have it so hard in America.
MA: And don't forget protecting freedom of choice for mothers. A woman has to be able to choose her own path in life. The U.S. government has to keep its hands off women's bodies.
OBL: I feel kind of selfish asking this, but do you think it'll be an easier road for us if the Democrats take power?
MA: Definitely. It's not like you attacked one of their most liberal cities, or threatened their politically active Jewish community.
OBL: Yes, once we get rid of the GOP we can really open a dialogue.
MA: Yeah, you know those liberals have a soft spot for religious fundamentalists.
There you have it. Proof positive that a vote for the Democrats is a vote for at least five more years of freedom for Osama bin Laden. The GOP promises if you put them back into power, they'll get this guy - eventually.
Posted by Greg Sidor at 02:32 AM | Comments (1)
October 23, 2006
Hottest mom in America - no, really.
In today's Daily News, reporter Brent Hopkins gets the scoop on the hottest mom in America. You'll recall Brent also spent a day with a Las Vegas showgirl a few months ago, leading me to believe that in a past life he rescued a boatload of nuns and nursed many sick birds back to health.
If there's one message we have to get through to America's moms, it's that just because they spent nine months in various states of discomfort, pushed a watermelon-sized baby out of their bodies, and now chase toddlers around the house for the better part of the day, this is no time to start slacking off about their appearance.
Because deep down in every woman's heart, she knows the minute she lets things slip, Angelina Jolie will steal away her husband, journey to the jungles of Africa, and adopt a befuddled orphan with him.
Now before you write me an angry e-mail, let me clarify two things: 1.) I'm being sarcastic. 2.) I can't read.
So really, you'd be wasting your time.
As for my nominee for hottest mom in America? Country singer Sara Evans. A barn dance never sounded so good.
Posted by Greg Sidor at 03:13 AM | Comments (0)
October 20, 2006
Burning rubber, turning heads
Looking at the New York Times Web site this morning, I began to wonder, "Why aren't Daily News staffers getting paid to test-drive Lamborghinis?"
I've seen two of the Italian supercars on Ventura Boulevard in the past week, so reviewing them is not as far out an idea as you might think.
Below is a sample of what I could bring to the DN as its official "Really fast car correspondent." I lack access to a Lamborghini at the moment, so my Nissan 200SX will have to stand in.
The light hits the coupe, flowing across its hood and dancing on the windshield. The moonroof tempts with the promise of wild nights, and the spoiler on the back screams, "I do casual Fridays." This isn't a car, it's a lifestyle.
Turning the key, I'm treated to the roar of the four-cylinder beast kept captive under the hood. Throwing it into reverse (and checking for small children and tall animals) I back out of my parking space. I shift her into drive and coax the horses with a tap on the accelerator. Now it's time to drive.
Pedal to the floor, the speedometer passes 10, 15, and soon 20 miles per hour. Heading up the freeway entry ramp, she growls with the rage of Godzilla laying waste to Tokyo.
Driving a car like this turns heads, especially from the passing lane. They speed up from behind just to get a look at what kind of person is behind the wheel. Sometimes they give a "#1" symbol as they push ahead, past this chariot of the gods.
People at the stoplight stare in wonder, some approaching to wash the windshield and keep her in top form. A beautiful car brings out the beauty in us all. A Corvette pulls up next to me and the driver revs the engine. I smile as she takes off. You don't abuse a ride like this.
Returning home, I reflect on a fine time behind the wheel. Nissan has really done it this time - a true gem for the auto enthusiast. A word to the prospective buyer: you don't drive this car - it drives you.
Posted by Greg Sidor at 05:02 AM | Comments (0)
October 11, 2006
Don't smile for the camera!
Ask yourself, is this Kim Jong Il, feared leader of North Korea, or did someone's grandpa just wander into the shot?
Now that he may have entered the nuclear club, it's time for the next step: Makeover!
Call it "Queer Eye for the Despotic Guy." I'm no fashion expert, but I've got a few suggestions:
1. Lose the glasses: Don't hide those eyes away! Making eye contact is critical to maintaining strong relationships - especially with the ladies.
2. New haircut!: Receding hair isn't uncommon; rising hair is. The sooner you make peace with your small stature, the sooner you can make it work for you. Maybe you can try slicking back the hair like Tom Hanks in "The Da Vinci Code." Grrr!
3. Pin some medals to that shirt!: Every military strongman needs some "flair." In fact, you can pretty much go crazy in this department. Blue, red, green, purple - only your imagination is holding you back.
4. Loosen up!: Being fashionable isn't just about what your wearing - it's what's inside, too! You always look so tense and unemotional. Relax, and maybe a smile will sneak across your face! Remember, you have to be feared and loved - so let them see the tender side once in a while.
5. Buy a Hawaiian shirt: Trust me on this. People love a good Hawaiian shirt - and come to think of it, I've never seen a bad one.
Posted by Greg Sidor at 04:38 AM | Comments (2)
October 05, 2006
Street smarts
Despite my rugged good looks and take-no-prisoners attitude, I'm more of a "book smart" kind of guy.
Even I got uneasy when, while waiting at a stoplight on Ventura Boulevard around 8:30 p.m., someone started tapping on my passenger-side window.
It was an old lady. I was willing to open the window a crack.
"Can you take me to Reseda Boulevard?" she said.
"No," I replied.
For God's sake, lady, for all you know I could be some kind of crazed maniac who gets his kicks forcing old people to fight, and then posts the whole thing on YouTube.
And how do I know you're not going to stab me, or at the very least talk about your grandkids the whole way there?
So I didn't do my good deed for the day, and maybe I failed some kind of divine test. On the bright side, I still have both my kidneys.
Sometime this week, take your grandparents aside and introduce them to a wonderful thing called a taxi cab - or else the next time you see them may be on YouTube.
Posted by Greg Sidor at 04:45 AM | Comments (1)
October 04, 2006
Explosive news
North Korea announced it plans to test an atomic weapon. They didn't send invitations or give an exact date, which leads me to believe they're not sure it's going to work. No doubt they were a bit embarassed when their missile tests failed in front of the whole world a few months back. There's nothing as humiliating as promising a nuclear explosion and delivering a dud - especially if you give everyone cancer in the process.
It's a peculiar sort of man who persues nuclear weapons. Why not Italian sportscars or prize-winning race horses? Instead they waste their time with math and physics. Hey, Kim Jong Il, life's a lot more fun when you give up your homicidal urge to destroy Southeast Asia. At least, mine has been.
Posted by Greg Sidor at 03:16 AM | Comments (1)