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April 22, 2007

Lesser-known endangered species

Seriously satirical

Earth Day is a time to reflect on a planet in peril, and to try to find a way to do our part to improve it. One of those is through conservation efforts aimed at keeping nature's less fortunate creations in the food chain. I speak of saving endangered species.

While everyone knows about the panda's plight and the threat to mountain gorillas, there are some other species that, due to bad press agents, or worse yet, nature's cruel tendency to hand out ugly in mass quantities, are not as widely known. I aim to fix that. Below are two animals on the edge of extinction.

The first, Californicus badisus, also known as "the cross-eyed hawk," is just that. Every bird in this species of hawk is horribly cross-eyed. Not only do they face extinction by starvation (they always have to decide where the mouse really is, with a 50/50 chance of success), but the mating process is extremely tedious, as they can spend hours flying past each other, failing to make contact. In 1999, bird watchers across the country began a program of catching the hawks, fitting them with corrective lenses, and sending them back into the wild. The effort has met moderate success.

The second animal, Bruinus difficultus, is nicknamed "the difficult bear." About the size of a black bear, this woodland creature was shunned for many years because of its wild mood swings and annoying personality. Hunted to the brink of extinction out of shear malice, eventually hunters gave up because they hated spending time in the company of this bear. As of now, no efforts are underway to save this animal, and many a sportsmen consider themselves lucky not to encounter one in the wild. If some program isn't put into place, this bear could be gone in a generation.

I hope this has been enlightening. Now go out and get to work saving God's more bizarre, ill-equipped creations!

Posted by Greg Sidor at 01:12 AM | Comments (0)

April 19, 2007

More Sanjaya, less Cho

I'm generally a hard-news type of guy, but if I have to look at Cho Seung-Hui's face one more time, I might just set my homepage to E! Online.

Just when you thought you had Sanjaya overload, now the 24-hour news cycle is blaring this madman's words morning, noon and night. We get it, he was psychotic. I don't think that's news to anyone, especially those who went to school with him.

At what point does coverage of this guy cease being news and start becoming an experiment in masochism?

Flood my screen with Sanjaya; fill my ears with his earnest but ultimately unsatisfying voice. Just let me remember a time before Cho took out his own rage on people who didn't deserve it.

Posted by Greg Sidor at 01:06 AM | Comments (1)

April 18, 2007

Beware of Disney brides!

The Walt Disney Co. has partnered with a designer to create wedding dresses inspired by their animated princesses. No doubt bridezillas across the land rejoiced at the news that they can now don full Cinderella garb on their big day.

I'm wary (as I think most men are) of women who think of themselves as princesses to be doted upon, and this seems to be a disturbing extension of the idea. Don't get me wrong, I treat women with respect and kindness. But my philosophy about catering to someone's every whim has always been, "the day I get a dowry is the day you become a princess."

No, you marry ol' Mr. Sidor and you become an equal partner in all his future triumphs and disappointments - no less, no more. So let's just keep things real, as my homies like to say, and make the wedding about a union, and not the glorification of your pre-adolescent dreams.

After all, if you were a princess, you wouldn't be marrying Bill from accounting.

Posted by Greg Sidor at 12:41 AM | Comments (0)

April 06, 2007

MTV picks winners

MTV, never known for picking role models for its young viewers, has nonetheless given notoriety to two characters whose value to the human gene pool is in doubt. Vincent "Don Vito" Margera of "Viva La Bam" fame and Jason Wahler of "The Hills," have had some particularly disturbing run-ins with the law.

According to The Smoking Gun, "Don Vito" is accused of groping teenage girls during an autograph session, then harassing female police officers. Lovely.

Jason Wahler is one of the over-priviliged (and apparently under-the-influence) stars of "The Hills," which documents the debauchery and vacuous conversation that occurs amongst Hollywood's younger crowd. He's actually going to serve two months in jail for attacking an L.A. city worker and tow truck driver when they blocked him in their truck. He also yelled racial slurs at the African-American men.

Actually, two months in jail isn't bad, considering I always figured tow truck drivers were armed. I wouldn't want to tangle with the ones I've come across... it's just not a job that lends itself to cuddly folks.

In any event, MTV would do well to feature programming with people who aren't likely to become jailbirds in the near future. Some of their shows actually examine issues important to young people, but much more of it is a celebration of the worst in people. I've never seen a network that gave its viewers so little credit by showcasing ridiculous behavior in their generation.

It would be like National Geographic sending a coloring book to its subscribers, and then when you opened it, it read, "You're stupid."

Posted by Greg Sidor at 03:09 AM | Comments (0)

April 05, 2007

A question for Ahmadinejad ...

To Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad:

Why were your hostages better dressed than you?

Peace,

Greg

Posted by Greg Sidor at 03:06 AM | Comments (0)

April 03, 2007

A walk in the park?

Sen. John McCain finally took his stroll through a Baghdad market Monday, if you consider an orchestrated walk with 100 armed soliders and helicopters overhead a "stroll." Mr. McCain was also wearing a bullet-proof vest.

The New York Times talked to some merchants in the market, who said they complained about their situations and balked at the suggestion that things were anywhere near safe in Baghdad.

Ali Jassim Faiyad remarked on the photo-op by noting, "The security procedures were abnormal!”

Mr. McCain then proceeded to hop in a tank and drive schoolchildren to soccer practice, noting that there's nothing like a drive through the Iraqi capitol to calm one's nerves. That last part may not have taken place. But at this point, what part does truth have to play in our narrative?

Posted by Greg Sidor at 12:59 AM | Comments (0)