Paul Oberjuerge: Euros vs. Yanks
Many of you have been to Europe. You know they do things differently here.
The U.S. is, still, mostly a Eurocentric culture, but some of the basic activities of life are markedly different, here in the Old World.
Hence, here is a list of 10 things Euros do better than we do. And 10 things we do better than Euros.
Ten Things Euros Do Better Than We Do
1. Eat. The worst meal on the continent is better than 90 percent of meals in the States.
2. Drink. The Euros know their booze. They demand beer with taste, they know good wine from bad wine. Most of us just chug whatever is put in front of us, from Bud to Two-Buck Chuck.
3. Hold their liquor. Euros, especially in the Mediterranean countries, drink, but in moderation. As part of the dining experience. Too many Yanks drink to get drunk. Being obviously intoxicated is considered very bad form in Italy, France, etc. (But not England or Ireland, no.)
4. Dress. Euros are more fashionable than we are. It's like all the Euros with no fashion sense emigrated to the New World and dreamed up the leisure suit. Meanwhile, my daughter went to school in Italy four years ago, came home with shoes with pointed toes, and four years later all American women are wearing shoes with pointed toes.
5. Make coffee. Again, none of that mass-market American swill. They make delicate little cups of really strong brew, and they enjoy them, and don't just chug it.
6. Make cars that get good gas mileage. Maybe because gas is about $4 a gallon here.
7. Bake bread, make cheese. Euros demand fresh, made-that-day bread. Many of us have loaves of Wonderbread in the cupboard that we bought last weekend and might still be eating next weekend. Our idea of exotic cheese is brie. Euros literally have a zillion cheeses, most of them really good.
8. Converse. Talking with friends is a lost art in the U.S. We retreat to our single-family homes and hole up. They gather in groups at cafes and discuss topics. What a concept.
9. Speak languages. Nearly ever Euro can speak two languages. Sometimes it seems as if many Americans can't quite speak one.
10. Make chocolate. Euros realize dark chocolate is the way to go. We're hung up on milk chocolate, it's boring brother.
Ten Things We Do Better Than Euros
1. Drive. Euros approach driving as a random, do-what-you-can-get-away-with event. SoCal drivers, especially, even with a cell phone in one hand and a burger in the other, are safer, better, faster drivers.
2. TV. Euros watch crappy home-made TV, or crappy OLD dubbed-over American TV. As bad as our TV is ...
3. Showers. A non-leaking, roomy shower with hot water, guaranteed, seems beyond European engineering. Their buildings are old, and weren't designed for showers but, hey, it's 2006. Your crappiest apartment had a better shower than most European villas.
4. Movies. A lot of ours are junk, but they're fun junk, professionally made. Shooting, car chases, whatever. Euro movies are impenetrable, feature homely actors and look like some college film student's failed senior project.
5. Toilet paper. Ours is miles better. Any brand. You look wrong at Euro TP, it falls to pieces.
6. Supermarkets. The tiniest Stater Bros. has more options than the most enormous supermercato in Europe.
7. Streamline. How many Euros does it take to change a lightbulb? At least three more than it would take Americans to change the same bulb. "Efficiency" is not a Euro concept.
8. Print money. Bills the same size. Really simple concept, utterly missed by Euros. Right this second, I've got a bill the size of a index card in my pocket, another the size of a dollar, a third the size of a post-it note.
9. Parks and parking lots. Euros don't seem to believe in lawns, aside from English manors. The lack of green is alarming and depressing. And their parking lots? Anywhere they won't get towed.
10. Elevators. Ours are big enough to turn around without sexually molesting the only other passenger. Euros should investigate it.
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