I wrote a profile on the absolutely hilarious Caroline Reid for the current issue of LA's Frontiers magazine. It's rare that I am laughing so hard during an interview that I can barely take notes. I'm having trouble linking things from home so I have just cut-and-pasted the entire thing for your enjoyment. WARNING: Her language is more than a little blue so I've bleeped her a few times since my blog is part of the L.A. Daily News and we just don't talk that way!

Flying the Bitchy Skies
Tart-tongued air hostess Pam Ann is cleared for landing in a special New Year’s show

BY GREG HERNANDEZ

She’s been the opening act for Cher and the in-flight entertainment for guests flying to an exclusive Elton John party in Italy, and now potty-mouthed flight attendant Pam Ann—a bitchy air hostess if there ever was one—is getting ready to land in Los Angeles. She will hold court at the Hollywood Palladium with her show Come Fly with Me, which promises to give new meaning to the term “carry-on.�

“She’s nice to the first-class passengers but she’s never understood economy. She can’t wrap her head around it,� says comedian Caroline Reid, who created the character of Pam Ann 10 years ago. “She hasn’t been back in economy since the ’70s; heaven forbid if she had to work Southwest or JetBlue.�

Reid recently phoned from London to talk about the character (“the bastard daughter of Dame Edna�) that has made her a gay icon in Europe and seems certain to do the same in the U.S. “I’m really a gay man,� she explains. “If I had a [penis], I’d get into so much trouble. I wish I did for one day, I’d just like to try it out.�

Pam Ann will be the main character on the Dec. 29 show at the Palladium, but some of the other members of Reid’s wacky flight crew will make cameos or be seen on-screen. They include Valerie, a 105-year-old who has been flying from Dallas to Fort Worth forever. “All she does is walk across the stage but it takes her 10 minutes. She got the biggest hair, the size of Dallas, and she loves her Southern fried chicken. I’d love to bring Valerie, but I’m scared to. Then there’s Sara from Virgin Atlantic, who is part of a cabin crew that is just so stupid. They get lost in a 747, they can’t get back to the galley. They can’t even spell JFK! They’ll be introduced with the video.�

As always, Pam Ann’s main concern is making sure that everyone’s “flight� is going well.

“I’ll be talking to people and upgrading them—and deriding them—so the boys better wear their finest!� says Reid. “I might put a bomb on board and we can find it. I get into trouble all the time. I’ll have a few surprises for L.A. The boys are just so much fun. We’ve got dancers—Pam’s People Dancers —four gorgeous dancing boys gracing the stage.�

Sometimes though, this spontaneous interaction with the audience gets Reid into spots of trouble.

“Everything has gone wrong,� she says. “I always deal with it OK. Some people look at you like they are going to glass you if you comment on their outfit. Some of the things are uncontrollable. I say, ‘This is a live show, not TV.’ That’s the charm of the show, too. I do play with the edge a lot. Some of my friends come just to see me get out of so many holes I’ve dug.�

But all went well when Reid was asked to be the opening act for the U.K. leg of Cher’s neverending farewell tour—once she realized it wasn’t an elaborate joke being played on her: “I thought it was ‘Cher: The Tribute Act.’ Why would I think it was going to be Cher, for f**k’s sake? Cher Cher? Stop f***ing with my head! Sonny and Cher Cher? Cher? Malibu? So I’m all, ‘Yes, I’d love to.’� Then, opening night at London’s Wembley Stadium, she says, “I was s******g my pants wondering, ‘Why did I agree to do this?’�

She was far less nervous when Elton John hired her to entertain a private plane filled with VIP guests flying to Venice for the 40th birthday party he was throwing for husband David Furnish.

“He’s got loads of money and chartered a private jet for David’s 40th birthday to Venice. I was their in-flight cabin crew. I verbally abused them from London to Venice. I said, ‘There’s a lot of money on here!’ Then we went to the party in Venice for three days and I flew back with them and we got absolutely hammered. Victoria Beckham was on board. Skinny bitch! I whacked her a few times: ‘Get in your seat and eat that pie! You want gravy?’ I was mental!�

Speaking of weight, despite having the hottest show in London’s Soho and playing to sold-out houses in France, Hong Kong, Italy, Australia, New York, and all across the U.K., Reid is wary of L.A.’s image-conscious culture. “I want some plastic surgeons there who can come in backstage and suck some fat out of my ass,� she says. “I want to look like Nicole fucking Richie when I come out!�

For additional info on Pam Ann’s New Year’s Eve-Eve-Eve show on Dec. 29 at the Hollywood Palladium, visit www.newyearsla.com or www.pamann.com.