Oscars: The first documentary with its own action figures

The guys who made “March of the Penguins” cavorted on the red carpet with giant plush penguins. And when they won the Best Documentary Oscar, they brought the things onstage with them, a bit of overkill if you ask me — they could’ve used them as seat-fillers. Which apparently occurred to one of the filmmakers accepting their Oscar, who called the tuxedo-filled audience an “homage to our film.”

The staging of Kathleen Bird York’s performance of her Oscar-nominated song “In the Deep” from “Crash” asks the question: Does interpretive dance have any place at the Oscars? And answers it: No.

Stewart apparently agrees: “If you are trying to exit a burning vehicle, my advice is not to do it in slow motion.” After a slow opening, Stewart’s rallying.

Oscars: Morgan Freeman is tongue-tied

“Demonstrative faces” is a kind of dumb phrase, and it tripped up Morgan Freeman as he delivered the Best Supporting Actress Oscar to Rachel Weisz for “The Constant Gardener.” And the off-screen narrator had to spoil her moment by announcing she’s “best known to audiences for her roles in ‘The Mummy’ and ‘The Mummy Returns,'” which I imagine she wouldn’t mind forgetting.

The orchestral underscores of the acceptance speeches seems to be working: Weisz’s was short and sweet. She kind of hit a thematic cul de sac by noting that real-life crusaders such as the one she played in the film “are far greater people than me.” The irony that it was nonetheless her on a stage accepting an award tripped across her face, so she wrapped it up with a simple thank you.

Oscars: Makeup and KISS?

Finally, a gag that actually worked pretty well: Will Ferrell and Steve Carell presented the Best Makeup Oscar in really awful makeup — not quite KISS bad, but bad. “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe” won.

Do you really think the “Narnia” series is a legitimate tentpole franchise? They’ve already done the most famous book in the series, and they’ve already started the series out of order…

Stewart scores! Referring to another nominee in the Best Makeup category, “Cinderella Man,” Stewart came out of the acceptance speech with this: “Imagine the difficulty of making Russell Crowe look like he got into a fight.”

Oscars: Here’s your Oscar; what’s your hurry?

OK, we get it: they want the speeches to be really short. There was a film at the top of the ceremony in which Tom Hanks got mugged by the orchestra as his mock-acceptance-speech wore on. And this year, the orchestra is playing music as soon as the winner begins his or her speech, which is no doubt a distraction — Colleen Atwood, Best Costume winner for “Memoirs of a Geisha,” seemed thrown by it — as well as a subtle but insistent reminder that it will only get louder as you keep yammering.

Back to Clooney — he didn’t thank anyone, just made an impassioned (if a smidgen self-serving) speech about Hollywood being out of touch — championing civil rights and other progressive issues before the rest of the country embraced them. Which is a more interesting way of taking up your minute or so of TV time than reciting a laundry list of people no one watching at home knows.

Oscars: The jokes are a joke

King Kong won the Visual Effects Oscar, dwarfed by Ben Stiller’s appearance in a green bodysuit playing a special effect gone very awry. The idea may have looked good on paper, but didnt really work; it certainly wasn’t as amusing as Stiller was trying to sell it. Spielberg’s dismayed reaction to Stiller’s floundering was actually funnier.

“Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit” won Best Animated Picture. To underscore the category’s cartoonishness, director Nick Park and his producing partner wore silly, outsized bow ties and affixed same to their trophies. Not nearly as funny as the movie itself.

Oscars: Jon Stewart

Things started bumpy for host Jon Stewart, whose first few gags fell decidedly flat. Things picked up when he noted that “Capote” and “Good Night, and Good Luck.” both concerned crusading journalists in an impassioned search for the truth, adding, “Needless to say, both are period pieces.” But the biggest laugh was at the expense of the eccentric pop singer who performed at the Oscars in a swan outfit: “Bjork could not be here tonight she was trying on her Oscar dress, and Dick Cheney shot her.” There were a lot of tight close-ups on Stewart than one ordinariliy sees on awards shows that felt oddly intimate and maybe a bit disorienting — it was like they were trying to show the flop sweat.

George Clooney, Best Supporting Actor winner for “Syriana,” had a better laughs-per-minute ratio: “All right, so this means Im not winning (best) director,” he said upon taking the stage.

Oscars: Getting desperate

The cast of Desperate Housewives? offered Felicity Huffman, Best Actress nominee for “Transamerica,” best wishes via videotape you know, its good that that show managed to get a little free publicity. Nonetheless, their message causes Huffman to tear up. Youve ruined my makeup, so thank you very much,? Huffman mock-scolds Chris Connelly.

Jake Gyllenhaal, Best Supporting Actor nominee, concedes theres not much left to say about his film Brokeback Mountain:? Its pretty much all been covered.?

The theme continues: In a critics chat on the Best Picture nominees and favorite to win, Leonard Maltin and Joel Siegel both admit Crash? could be the spoiler this year.

Co-host Cynthia Garrett concludes, America seems to be ready to think.? Not that you can tell from the red-carpet show.

Speaking of thinking or not ABCs promos for its upcoming sitcom Sons & Daughters? make it look a lot dumber than it is (it is, in fact, pretty smart). If these promos are what the network thinks will lure people to watch the show, they shouldve just gone on and made a stupid show. Theyre certainly not appealing to people who like smarter, edgier comedy, which is what S&D? provides.

Oscars: “The beginning of a dream come true” – awww

Billy Bush calls the red carpet a conga line of luscious luminaries.? Do they write this stuff in advance or just make it up off the top of their heads?

George Clooney tells Vanessa Minnillo, Weve been rather unburdened by success at these awards shows.? Hes recycling his material he said the same thing to Roger Ebert.

Terrence Howard tells Cynthia Garrett, This is the beginning of a dream come true.? Seems like hes already put tonight past him he wants scads more nominations in the future.

Oscars: Primates aplenty

Apparently, there’s a celebrity shortage on the Red Carpet, because ABC is airing an incomprehensible montage of movies with monkeys in them in an apparent homage to “King Kong.” Which didn’t get any major nominations. “Going ape, Hollywood style!” gushes Cynthia Garrett, miraculously avoiding to grimace on air.