Hard to believe, but E! is already doing pre-pre-pre- Oscar coverage; has been since 9 a.m., in fact. If the idea of someone who could possibly care that much to watch all this effluvium is frightening, the "coverage" itself is clearly designed to send viewers fleeing in terror.

There was a profile of some obscure actress who went through a bunch of spa/exercise/diet stuff to lose some weight, followed by some chick from MTV's Laguna Beach visiting all those swag shops that pop up over this week (it’s like charity for wealthy celebrities, who I’m sure appreciate the generous assistance while, hmm, isn’t there something going on down in New Orleans?).

And then a jaw-dropper: “The breast is back, baby, in a big way.� This per Debbie Matenopoulos, one of the hosts of this epic monument to profound superficiality, who actually presides over a segment on mammary glands. She’s accompanied by a young man who explains how to boost what Matenopoulos refers to as “the girls� to a flattering angle. The young man, it should be noted, doesn’t look as though women’s breasts are exactly his thing, and yet here he is, on national television as a breast expert. Yakov Smirnoff was right, after all: What a country!

And now, a shattering scoop: A report discovering that some of the other nominated actors had movies come out in some of the the same sundry years that George Clooney also found work. It should be noted that the hosts seem to understand that no one is watching – it feels like they’re addressing no one beyond their camera crews.

Back to the Mavericks-Suns game.