it became clear after the first 15 minutes of the billboard music awards that nobody very good turned up in fear of being blacklisted from the grammy telecast.
so the billboards was reduced to gwen stefani on career rebound trying to make yodeling cool, a bunch of 10th rate rappers grabbing their crotches, some band called nickelback whose music nobody on the planet has knowingly heard, and a big wrap-up that embalmed a member of ’70s frat boy favorites ZZ Top along with other fogettables.
the only thing missing was john mayer — but he’s playing through eternity on a Direct TV free channel that’s causing me to consider going back to cable.
OK, we’re ready for the grammys. back to drawing table, billboard. time for (another) redesign. BORING!

why can’t courtney love just go somewhere and enjoy all that nirvana money? thank of all the great dope she could do in the privacy of a nice cozy house somewhere with a nanny to take care of the kid and regular booty calls from cute tatted-up rock boys.
so when she showed up boringly sober and in disappointing control of herself at the awards, she bored everyone out of their skulls. reading the teleprompter just like all the rest, she revealed her one gteat telent – reading ability. she made no mistakes. this media creation is nothing if not a VERY GOOD READER.
kids, don’t be courtney, but learn to read as well as she has.

god’s mad as hell. there were only three shout-outs to the all-powerful on monday at the ’06 billboard awards. the show started OK and then quickly devolved into a deadly bore. i wished i was shelling shrimp. i wanted to be giving foot massages to the poor on skid row. i longed to be playing in that nightmarish blues jam at a disgusting northridge bar where a FLUTE PLAYER got on stage in an outfit out of “heidi.”
god wanted out, too.
these people are such phonies. hey, who was actually driving in that lane garrison crash in beverly hills saturday where the 17-year-old was killed? why is that being kept quiet?

gwen, the yodeling has to stop. it will never be cool, it will never be hip, it will never be interesting. what’s worse is, you don’t have a song. the single is awful, there’s no melody, there’s hardly anything. it’s a yodel.
the hair looks good, tho.

proving that rap is either over or should be, three crotch-grabbers hit the stage – ludicris, and two others who shall remain nameless. horrible. this boasting nonsense should be enthusiastically ignored across the nation.
very hard these days if these guys are a parody of gangsta rap or the real thing – such as it is. but don’t spend too much time trying to figure it out.

kat looked extremely edible as she and fellow “idol” contestant chris daughtry (no. 1 album this week) brought out rock winner nickelback, a faceless band nobody has ever knowingly heard. broing boring boring.
what is kat doing these days? why haven’t i seen her at trader joe’s or tiramisu lately?? kat, meet me at mulberry street pizza thursday at 3.

wynona and dave navarro — one with the tats, the other with BLEEP – hit the podium together to bring out best country male, kenny chesney. his black hat coverin g his eyes, chesney made sure to tip the stetson to the radio stations that keep him in rotation.
unexpected oscar winners three 6 mafia were out next to announce female r&b act. but first, they brought out three prime purveyors of cheesecake. “damn!” “i could use some of that BLEEP.”
make that more entertaining than the last 15 grammys.
mary j. blige, thanking god and jesus in that order (appropriate somehow), won best female r&b trophy. looking good in chocolate brown outfit and fur rug over one shoulder – call PETA…BLEEP!

the billboard music awards – within three minutes already more entertaining than the last 10 years of grammy awards – opened with a lively workout from janet jackson and a bit later, a non-janet-caused bleep. no wardrobe malfunction here, just an intended compliment to presenter flava flav. the co-presenter, whose name we missed, said “you must have a big BLEEP.” much dirtier somehow than what was actually said.
flav has a great, infectious laugh, an entertaining personality and street cred for miles. oh how i miss the glorious music of public enemy.