Tuesday’s column (Barack Worthington)

Given the fact that the U.S. government just got a 60 percent in General Motors, my guess is that it’s only a matter of time until we see this commercial on late night television:

Announcer:Here’s Barack Worthington and his dog Spot!

Background singers:

If you need a bailout go see Barack.

When you want some easy money go see Barack.

When your corporate bonds are junk,

Cause your owners’ spend like drunks

Go see Barack, go see Barack, go see Barack.

Cut to Barack.

He’s wearing an oversized Cowboy hat, a big, sterling silver belt buckle and smiling way too much. Standing next to Barack is a leashed-and-drooling, buck-toothed, braying donkey.

Barack: Our goal is to help GM get back on its feet … and get out quickly.

Some said a quick bankruptcy was impossible … they were wrong.

Some unnamed critics predicted car sales would fall off a cliff and they were wrong.

Spot breaks from his leash and proceeds to jump up and down on the hood of a 2009 Pontiac GTO.

Barack (laughs) : Hey now Spot, don’t go trashing all this fine surplus merchandise.

(He jerks Spot’s leash. Now speaking through clenched teeth and in a serious, whispered tone): We gotta move these heaps quick. I just put another $30 billion in this junk pile and…

(Smile comes back, Barack turns to camera, begins to speak fast):

Let me tell you good folks about the deals we have this week at Barack Worthington’s Government Motors:

Here’s a 2009 Chivy Suburban. Looks nice, runs great, gets 14 miles per gallon on them city streets and 19 on our government-owned highways.

You better hurry. We’ll be going green next year and you might never get another full-sized utility vehicle like this ever again.

Call us collect. You already bought and paid for this fine vehicle when you sent your taxes in this April. So why not pay for it again?

It’s the American thing to do.

Barack winds up his pitch, The music returns.

Barack just grins and holds tightly to Spot’s leash.

Fine print appears at the bottom of the screen:

Bailout of GM not subject to public discussion. Taxpayers will be lucky if the government ever gets paid back. Don’t expect any relief on California Vehicle License Fees either. Any similarities between Obama Administration fiscal strategies and Soviet-style economic policy are merely a figment of your imagination.

If we can’t feed the poor, fix the highways, mend the prisons, solve the immigration problem, lower the trade deficit, tighten up the banks, improve the real estate market, end the medical care crisis, or make affordable public transportation available, don’t hold your breath for the U.S. Government or its assignees to honor your warranty either.

Your mileage may vary.

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  • Jim flournoy

    One of the few resonable voices in print although I have found a couple of Will’s colums to be ok lately
    Keep it up
    Jim

  • Tony

    I come to your site to read about SGV crime as the name of your blog says. I don’t want to hear, nor do I care about your political views.