100 Percent Soccer Exclusive: Barack Obama Backs Becks Bailout Bid

AP Photo


Becks salutes fans in a final farewell after today’s England victory over the Ukraine in World Cup qualifying.

President Barack Obama today announced MLS will qualify for millions in federal economic aid in an effort to retain Galaxy midfielder David Beckham and stop him from joining Italian giants AC Milan later this year, 100 Percent Soccer has exclusively learned.

President Obama made the shock announcement during his visit to England after watching today’s Eastbourne Borough Blue Square Premier game against Ebbsfleet where he saw distant cousin Achtog Laprifolo play for Borough. The league had first disclosed his visit on its Web site.

“I may not know much about European football, but after watching this minor league game I have to say MLS has a long way to go to catch up to even this standard,” the U.S. President said. “What better way to improve the American game than to continue to enjoy the splendid play of the world’s greatest ambassador for the sport.

“Let me be clear,” he added. “When we have titans of American industry like (Anschutz Entertainment Group owner Phil) Anschutz needlessly hurting in today’s economic conditions, it behooves us to ensure billionaires like him don’t become mere multimillionaires. He may have supported the Republican Party in the past, but we must move beyond such partisan bickering. Without the support of visionary businessmen like him MLS wouldn’t exist. Plus, this will improve the chances of myself and Michelle scoring seats for the Coldplay concert this summer at Home Depot Center.”

MLS Commissioner Don “the Godfather’ Garber, reached at home where the noted wine lover was snuggled up with a bottle of 1992 Gevrey-Chambertin, said he was surprised the President made the announcement, which has been in the works for weeks.

“Mama mia!” he said. “We will not allow a nation of noted divers and whiners – at least on the football field – to steal David from us. The President has displayed remarkably good judgment in reaching this agreement we hope will allow David to play for many years to come so we can jack up the prices of game tickets even more.”

Under the accord, known as “Sciocco di aprile,” the federal government will funnel an undisclosed amount of money to MLS the league will then use to entice Beckham away from all that lovely lire and say “arrivederci” to Serie A.

Not all of Beckham’s Galaxy teammates were pleased with the report though.

“Damn, I thought we’d got rid of that twit for good,” said midfielder Stefani Miglioranzi, the closest thing the Galaxy has to an Italian. “Now I’m never going to make more than $29,684.22 a year with him soaking up all the cap money. I thought it was too good to be true – he doesn’t know rigatoni from Michael Corleone.”

The announcement came just minutes after Beckham and England had narrowly beaten the Ukraine 2-1 in a World Cup qualifier, captain John Terry getting on the end of Steven Gerrard’s header from Beckham’s free-kick with just five minutes remaining.

“David, he is beautiful,” said England Manager Fabio Capello after the game. “I like him very, very much. And he isn’t bad at the football either.”

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About Nick Green

South Bay-based Los Angeles News Group soccer columnist and blogger Nick Green writes at the 100 Percent Soccer blog at www.insidesocal.com/soccer and craft beer at the Beer Goggles blog at www.insidesocal.com/beer. Cheers!
  • nathanhj

    “Achtog Laprifolo”


    If only we could say the same about Gregg Berhalter.

  • Kent

    LOL. That was good.

  • Thanks for stealing the gag, Nick!!!

    Nick replies: Think of it as a tribute, Alan (Americans always shamelessly steal good Brit sitcoms for their own terrible adaptions so as the expat I am I thought I’d exploit the tradition). Your gag certainly inspired the post (and I should have linked to it, but I was rushing and literally wrote the post on my lunch hour)!

    For those who still don’t know, here’s what Alan is talking about.