Recently in Weird/Humorous Soccer Category

Ooops, the Commish sticks his foot in his mouth:

NEW YORK (AP) -- Mention those empty seats at Yankee Stadium at your own risk.

Don Garber did.

A day after the Major League Soccer commissioner raised the subject, New York Yankees president Randy Levine blasted back.

"Don Garber discussing Yankee attendance must be a joke," Levine said Friday. "We draw more people in a year than his entire league does in a year. If he ever gets Major League Soccer into the same time zone as the Yankees, we might take him seriously.

"Hey Don, worry about Beckham, not the Yankees. Even he wants out of your league," he said.

David Beckham has been loaned from MLS' Los Angeles Galaxy to AC Milan through the end of the Italian Serie A season.

Speaking Thursday to the Associated Press Sports Editors, Garber said he'd noticed the unfilled seats at New York's two new stadiums. The Yankees' premium seats were more than half-empty for the five games following their home opener.

"It's incomprehensible that you watch a game, and there will be front-row seats empty," Garber said.

Told of Levine's comments, Garber explained his remark.

"When I mentioned the New York Yankees yesterday, my comments were part of a larger assertion that all businesses -- even the most successful sports entities -- are experiencing some impact from the economic downturn," Garber said through a league spokesman. "The Yankees are one of the world's strongest sports brands and the context of my comments about a few empty seats at Yankee Stadium was to illustrate the economic challenges we are all facing," he said.

MLS averaged 16,460 for 210 regular-season games last year, a total of 3.46 million. The Yankees averaged 53,070 last year in the final season at the old Yankee Stadium, a total of 4.3 million.

Defending W-League champion Pali Blues, now a feeder team for the WPS L.A. Sol, will attempt to set a new world record for most people juggling a soccer ball at one time at its May 9 season opener.

The current record, according to the club, was set by 627 people in 2007 in Vienna, Austria.

The idea, naturally, is to raise the club's profile, said Pali Blues General Manager Jason Lemire.

"Most people don't realize it, but amateur teams like the Pali Blues are a lot like public radio - we only exist with the support of our community," he said. "This is a chance for the soccer world to show that they support grass root organizations like the Pali Blues."

The second-year term plays at Pacific Palisades High School. To register for the record attempt scheduled for half time, call Lemire at (310) 264-4649. More about the club is here.

Wonder if this guy will be there?

AP Photo

Becks salutes fans in a final farewell after today's England victory over the Ukraine in World Cup qualifying.

President Barack Obama today announced MLS will qualify for millions in federal economic aid in an effort to retain Galaxy midfielder David Beckham and stop him from joining Italian giants AC Milan later this year, 100 Percent Soccer has exclusively learned.

President Obama made the shock announcement during his visit to England after watching today's Eastbourne Borough Blue Square Premier game against Ebbsfleet where he saw distant cousin Achtog Laprifolo play for Borough. The league had first disclosed his visit on its Web site.

"I may not know much about European football, but after watching this minor league game I have to say MLS has a long way to go to catch up to even this standard," the U.S. President said. "What better way to improve the American game than to continue to enjoy the splendid play of the world's greatest ambassador for the sport.

"Let me be clear," he added. "When we have titans of American industry like (Anschutz Entertainment Group owner Phil) Anschutz needlessly hurting in today's economic conditions, it behooves us to ensure billionaires like him don't become mere multimillionaires. He may have supported the Republican Party in the past, but we must move beyond such partisan bickering. Without the support of visionary businessmen like him MLS wouldn't exist. Plus, this will improve the chances of myself and Michelle scoring seats for the Coldplay concert this summer at Home Depot Center."

MLS Commissioner Don "the Godfather' Garber, reached at home where the noted wine lover was snuggled up with a bottle of 1992 Gevrey-Chambertin, said he was surprised the President made the announcement, which has been in the works for weeks.

"Mama mia!" he said. "We will not allow a nation of noted divers and whiners - at least on the football field - to steal David from us. The President has displayed remarkably good judgment in reaching this agreement we hope will allow David to play for many years to come so we can jack up the prices of game tickets even more."

Under the accord, known as "Sciocco di aprile," the federal government will funnel an undisclosed amount of money to MLS the league will then use to entice Beckham away from all that lovely lire and say "arrivederci" to Serie A.

Not all of Beckham's Galaxy teammates were pleased with the report though.

"Damn, I thought we'd got rid of that twit for good," said midfielder Stefani Miglioranzi, the closest thing the Galaxy has to an Italian. "Now I'm never going to make more than $29,684.22 a year with him soaking up all the cap money. I thought it was too good to be true - he doesn't know rigatoni from Michael Corleone."

The announcement came just minutes after Beckham and England had narrowly beaten the Ukraine 2-1 in a World Cup qualifier, captain John Terry getting on the end of Steven Gerrard's header from Beckham's free-kick with just five minutes remaining.

"David, he is beautiful," said England Manager Fabio Capello after the game. "I like him very, very much. And he isn't bad at the football either."

The week is young, but this is one of the funnier soccer-related press releases I've seen lately (and one of the briefest) from the PR staff of WPS team L.A. Sol in the wake of its inaugural game Sunday in Carson -

Attention media:

Please note that the team name Los Angeles Sol should be pronounced like "Soul" or "Sole" not "Saul."

Thanks

Leave it to a bunch of gringos to mispronounce a three-letter word and replace it with the name of someone's Jewish grandfather, (as one Jewish media colleague of mine observed). "Sol" means "sun" in Spanish, BTW.

The culprits were apparently several media outlets including the play by play team on national television.

Brevity

Does this guy live in the South Bay? Is he an MLS fan? Brevity is known for "obscure cultural references," according to Wikipedia, but still.

Also, after LA soccer blogger Jennifer Doyle wrote this scathing critique of the new WPS uniforms the following video was posted to my Facebook page; so things could be much worse:

Midfielder-defender Mike Randolph virtually invisible for the Galaxy in preseason, is apparently gone from the team if you believe this posting on Big Soccer from someone who is friends with him on Facebook.

I'm awaiting confirmation from Galaxy officials, but I have no reason to believe it's not true (and it's fascinating how social networking sites and message boards can play a role in breaking news). Goalkeeper Steve Cronin was first reported heading to Portland on a Big Soccer thread Monday and a source with the club all but confirmed that later in the day.

(Updated 1:44 p.m. Tuesday: Randolph is gone. He was at the club's offices today, but did not train. A formal announcement on his departure - and other cuts - is expected Wednesday).

In other Galaxy news, the club said Monday that Fox Sports West will show 18 Galaxy games this year, meaning only the Wednesday May 6 game against Real Salt Lake will not be shown on either local or national television.

That's one reason I'm giving up my $79 Direct Kick package for the first time (another is that too many games are on at the same time anyway, making them difficult to watch). BTW, there's a free preview of Direct Kick (available on DIRECTV, Dish and In Demand on cable) on March 21.

In New York later today, Women's Professional Soccer will unveil all seven team uniforms with Sol star Marta and Sol Swedish defender Johanna Frisk modeling the gear of the local entrant.

Incidentally, there's an excellent Marta profile covering her time in Sweden and eventual exit at the similarly excellent Web site The Global Game. It's a long piece, but well worth the time.

Read it here.

Finally, this has little to do with soccer in L.A., but Galaxy fans might be a little more willing to put up with a ghastly team if they received a pay-off like this.

Apparently.

Updated: And as if to confirm reality isn't too far from satire there's this manufactured report in today's L.A. Times that breathlessly tells us Mrs. Beckham says her hubby is "hooked" on Milan.

The actual news in the story is in the fifth graph.

I kid you not.

How do you spell D-E-S-P-E-R-A-T-E in Spanish?

Read on:
MEXICO CITY (AP) - Mexican soccer fans are turning to voodoo to beat the United States, with help from an American electronics company.

The teams meet Feb. 11 in Columbus, Ohio, in the first game of the final round of
regional qualifying for the 2010 World Cup. Mexico has not beaten the United States
on American soil in 10 years.

An advertisement in the sports newspaper Record on Tuesday invited fans to clip
coupons and redeem them at their local Radio Shack store for a voodoo-doll likeness
of a U.S. player. The hope was that a little black magic might help Mexico break its
decade of futility.

"Help end the losing streak so Mexico advances," the ad read.

An illustration showed a pair of scissors slicing off the leg of a doll in a U.S. jersey that
was bruised, crying out in pain, leaking stuffing and stuck with pushpins.

"We imagine a group of young people gathered around the TV supporting Mexico and
applying punishments to our rivals so that the team can qualify," Record said in a
statement.

Daniel Paz, marketing manager for the newspaper, told The Associated Press the
promotion was a lighthearted attempt to make next month's rivalry game more
enjoyable for fans.

"It's a toy," Paz said. "There's no intention of being anything serious."

The media office of Radio Shack in Fort Worth, Texas, did not immediately return
phone calls and e-mails, but the company's Mexico office confirmed its
participation.

Record said it has created 10,000 dolls and plans to expand the promotion to include
effigies representing the other finalists in North and Central America and the
Caribbean: Costa Rica, Honduras, El Salvador and Trinidad and
Tobago.

I'll post an interview with new Galaxy signing Dema Kovalenko Saturday morning.

But first:
*Mexico Coach Sven-Göran Eriksson today announced his squad to face Sweden Wednesday in Oakland:

goalkeepers: Guillermo Ochoa (América), Oswaldo Sánchez (Santos Laguna), José de Jesús Corona (Tecos UAG)

defenders: Juan Carlos Valenzuela (América), Julio César Domínguez (Cruz Azul), Edgar Dueñas (Toluca), Leobardo López (Pachuca), Fausto Pinto (Cruz Azul), Diego Martínez (Monterrey), Israel Castro (UNAM), Edgar Castillo (América)

midfielders: Pável Pardo (América), Leandro Augusto (UNAM), Luis Pérez (Monterrey), Israel Martínez (San Luis), Lucas Ayala (Atlas), Antonio Naelson (Toluca), Marco Fabián (CD Guadalajara)

forwards: Alberto Medina (CD Guadalajara), Vicente Matias Vuoso (Santos Laguna), Carlos Ochoa (CD Guadalajara), Nestor Calderón (Toluca), César Villaluz (Cruz Azul)

*Galaxy goalkeeper Charles Alamo has retired before his professional career really began after suffering two serious MCL injuries within a year. He played one reserve game for the team and will return to graduate school.

*Former Galaxy midfielder Quavas Kirk, not retained by D.C. United, will reportedly begin a trial with the Seattle Sounders.

*The club has also finalized a Feb. 12 preseason friendly against the Houston Dynamo in Texas.

*Finally, here's a contender for soccer story of the week from the Associated Press:

LONDON - An English amateur soccer team mourning the death of one of its greatest players discovered an important error in the tributes by the club and local press to the 86-year-old man -- he's still alive.

Tommy Farrer had the rare distinction of reading his own obituary as a former "legend"
with northern amateur side Bishop Auckland FC.

The mistake came to light when an official of the club, which held a solemn minute of
silence before a match last week, called Farrer's wife to offer condolences.

A surprised Gladys Farrer said her husband had indeed departed -- but only for a few
minutes to buy a newspaper and would be back soon if the official wanted to talk to
him.

Farrer, a former England amateur who played in three Wembley finals, said in Friday
editions of the Northern Echo: "We are not upset, but we did think it was a bit of a joke
at first."

Farrer said he wants to play down the mistake, saying it was time to "let it
die."

CNN confirmed with David Beckham's agent today that the Galaxy midfielder will head to Italy's AC Milan on a two-month loan in the wake of the club's tour Down Under after the MLS season concludes so he can retain his fitness for England.

It does not sound like he's going to miss much, if any, of the MLS preseason, according to this quote in England's Daily Mail from Beckham agent Simon Oliveira:

"Nothing is confirmed yet, but the intention is to go to AC Milan on loan for January and February. He would be going there with the view to keeping fit and being available for selection for England.

"The idea is he then goes back to the Galaxy to join up with their pre-season in March. He will not be joining AC Milan permanently. He had a five-year contract with the Galaxy
and has three years left and every intention of fulfilling that."

AC Milan are currently sitting fifth in the league.

Updated 10:28 a.m. Got off the phone a few minutes ago with the Galaxy PR folks who tell me his Beckhamness will not be addressing the media on the issue after training today (he usually only deigns to speak to reporters once a week). We'll see. But that would be par for the course: a global news story, Beckham in our back yard and he's not talking.

In other Beckham-related news, he's agreed to do his bit for England's 2018 World Cup bid.

Speaking of the World Cup, there's much gnashing of teeth south of the border over Mexico's World Cup qualifying status - or lack thereof.

Finally, this just in from the "I live in a glass house" department - North Korean nutjob Kim Jong Il is not at all pleased with the nation's hairy soccer players.

Because, of course, that rich, famine-free and non-authoritarian nation doesn't have more pressing issues than a "follicular clampdown".

That's the sound of the Galaxy's season imploding.

Needing to win to stay alive this season, the Galaxy naturally went down by three goals within the first 25 minutes Saturday to the Houston Dynamo.

Ah well, at least Houston look like they will clinch the Western Conference over Chivas USA. Way to stick it to the Goats, Gals.

Have you ever seen a more disgusted look on Bruce Arena's face?

Greg Vanney just missed making it four!

Good thing Houston are tired after facing the Earthquakes in midweek or it could be worse.

Now we know the answer to the question how do you make Nate Jaqua look world class? Have him play against the Galaxy rather than with them.

I hope the defense calls home after the season is over. I'm worried. I haven't seen them in so long.

How bad are the Galaxy? They're looking at Alan Gordan, who came in just before half time, to be the Galaxy's savior. And he just hit the bar.

It's half time.

The Dynamo had a 5-1 shot advantage in the first 45 minutes.

The Galaxy have 45 minutes left in their season.

Think I'll go do something productive like wash my hair.

Things I should have noted earlier, but didn't:
* It's so hard to find good help these days - even if you're David Beckham.

*Landon Donovan has 19 goals and nine assists on the season with two games to go; no MLS player has ever recorded 20 goals and 10 assists in a single season.

*Further explanation on why Rolling Hills Estates' Robbie Rogers is not with the U.S. team Wednesday because of injury - he leads MLS in fouls suffered with 72. Ouch.

*The answer to the Galaxy trivia question, which team is worse than their senior squad? How about their reserve team? The Galaxy reserves lost to their Colorado counterparts Sunday 1-0 to go to 1-6-2 on the season. Steve Cronin was in goal. Chivas USA reserves, meanwhile, beat San Jose Earthquakes reserves Sunday, 3-1. Roberto Nurse scored two goals. Go figure.

*Player of the Week honors went to former (Torrance) West High star Jessica Murphy who was named Brine California Collegiate Athletic Association Women's Soccer Player of the Week after the freshman scored three goals in two games this past weekend - 60 percent of the team's output, mind you - in two CSUDH wins. Also: UCLA junior midfielder Michael Stephens was named the Pac-10 Men's Soccer Player of the Week after scoring the game-winning goal in overtime as UCLA upset sixth-ranked California, 3-2, on the road.

*Southern Californians named to the U.S. Women's Under-17 national team that will participate in the 2008 FIFA Under-17 Women's World Cup Oct. 28-Nov. 16 in New Zealand are: forward Samantha Johnson (Palmdale) and midfielder Elizabeth Eddy (Costa Mesa).

*Finally, no late night soccer report would be complete without the Soccer Collies (I think). They will perform Sunday at half time of the noon Chivas USA-Colorado Rapids game. From the Chivas USA press release:

The two collies, Ms. Z and BEK, each have unique soccer skills; Ms. Z can catch the ball between her paws, and BEK charges up the field while dribbling the ball with his nose. The dogs will also be available before the game in ChivaTown for photos and to play with fans.

Well, OK. To me they look like two mutts you see in any park playing with a ball. My wife thinks otherwise. Invest a minute of your life and you decide:

Was this.

Make sure you read the comments on the story.

I'm told one of the criminals was a retired Daily Breeze copy editor (who I used to play pick-up soccer with). Nail him I say.

Manhattan Beach motto: "We're only slightly less uptight than Palos Verdes Estates."

GOLTV will air this (apparently) updated comedy "documentary" stariing former Python John Cleese at 5 p.m. Wednesday that's a couple of years old, but now includes references to Euro 2008.

From the GOLTV press release:

The documentary begins with a look at the frenzy behind the 2008 UEFA Euro in Austria and Switzerland, offering an unconventional, amusing take on the game of soccer, which attracts more viewers than the Olympics and more money than Hollywood. Cleese then presents his "alphabet of soccer" from A to Z through comedic sketches and in-depth, documentary-style vignettes.

The Art of Football also features one-on-one interviews with Cleese and superstar players like Pelé, Michel Platini, Thierry Henry and Franz Beckenbauer. In addition, Cleese will talk to famous artists, musicians and politicians to capture their thoughts on the world's most popular sport.

TiVo worthy? You decide:

After the realities of the last week - politicians seeking to bail out their banking buddies or (even worse) the Galaxy doing an excellent impression of a PDL team (no disrespect intended to that league) - I figured those of us with brains shaped like this (thanks to reader KLF for the link) could do with a laugh.

So check out these (mostly) true and (mostly) funny soccer-related items and have a good weekend:
*The Church of England is targeting soccer sinners.

*If you're heading to Vegas this weekend you might want head for the Riviera Casino and check out this huge freaking foosball tourny.

*Now this is taking youth soccer a little too far.

*This next one is not strictly soccer related, but could proove useful to those LA Riot Squad members who have been known to enjoy a beer (or four). The best part: it's a public service announcement by England's National Health Service (can anyone see our laugh a minute federal government doing this?). (Thanks to Joseph for the link).

*Finally, this one proves that the new Women's Professional Soccer league has not one shred of self-awareness.

Just like D.C. United, the WPA will be fussy how the media uses its acronym:

Please first reference the league in print or broadcast coverage using the full name of Women's Professional Soccer. Please do not abbreviate the league¹s name to Women's Pro Soccer, or qualify it as the Women's Professional Soccer, the WPS, Women's Professional Soccer league, WPS league, the Women's Professional Soccer league, or the WPS league.

Fair enough. But as observant reader Llew pointed here's the e-mail address the league will be using just in case anyone needs clarification: (leaguedepartment)@womensprosoccer.com.

Doh!