Recently in Weird/Humorous Soccer Category

CNN confirmed with David Beckham's agent today that the Galaxy midfielder will head to Italy's AC Milan on a two-month loan in the wake of the club's tour Down Under after the MLS season concludes so he can retain his fitness for England.

It does not sound like he's going to miss much, if any, of the MLS preseason, according to this quote in England's Daily Mail from Beckham agent Simon Oliveira:

"Nothing is confirmed yet, but the intention is to go to AC Milan on loan for January and February. He would be going there with the view to keeping fit and being available for selection for England.

"The idea is he then goes back to the Galaxy to join up with their pre-season in March. He will not be joining AC Milan permanently. He had a five-year contract with the Galaxy
and has three years left and every intention of fulfilling that."

AC Milan are currently sitting fifth in the league.

Updated 10:28 a.m. Got off the phone a few minutes ago with the Galaxy PR folks who tell me his Beckhamness will not be addressing the media on the issue after training today (he usually only deigns to speak to reporters once a week). We'll see. But that would be par for the course: a global news story, Beckham in our back yard and he's not talking.

In other Beckham-related news, he's agreed to do his bit for England's 2018 World Cup bid.

Speaking of the World Cup, there's much gnashing of teeth south of the border over Mexico's World Cup qualifying status - or lack thereof.

Finally, this just in from the "I live in a glass house" department - North Korean nutjob Kim Jong Il is not at all pleased with the nation's hairy soccer players.

Because, of course, that rich, famine-free and non-authoritarian nation doesn't have more pressing issues than a "follicular clampdown".

That's the sound of the Galaxy's season imploding.

Needing to win to stay alive this season, the Galaxy naturally went down by three goals within the first 25 minutes Saturday to the Houston Dynamo.

Ah well, at least Houston look like they will clinch the Western Conference over Chivas USA. Way to stick it to the Goats, Gals.

Have you ever seen a more disgusted look on Bruce Arena's face?

Greg Vanney just missed making it four!

Good thing Houston are tired after facing the Earthquakes in midweek or it could be worse.

Now we know the answer to the question how do you make Nate Jaqua look world class? Have him play against the Galaxy rather than with them.

I hope the defense calls home after the season is over. I'm worried. I haven't seen them in so long.

How bad are the Galaxy? They're looking at Alan Gordan, who came in just before half time, to be the Galaxy's savior. And he just hit the bar.

It's half time.

The Dynamo had a 5-1 shot advantage in the first 45 minutes.

The Galaxy have 45 minutes left in their season.

Think I'll go do something productive like wash my hair.

Things I should have noted earlier, but didn't:
* It's so hard to find good help these days - even if you're David Beckham.

*Landon Donovan has 19 goals and nine assists on the season with two games to go; no MLS player has ever recorded 20 goals and 10 assists in a single season.

*Further explanation on why Rolling Hills Estates' Robbie Rogers is not with the U.S. team Wednesday because of injury - he leads MLS in fouls suffered with 72. Ouch.

*The answer to the Galaxy trivia question, which team is worse than their senior squad? How about their reserve team? The Galaxy reserves lost to their Colorado counterparts Sunday 1-0 to go to 1-6-2 on the season. Steve Cronin was in goal. Chivas USA reserves, meanwhile, beat San Jose Earthquakes reserves Sunday, 3-1. Roberto Nurse scored two goals. Go figure.

*Player of the Week honors went to former (Torrance) West High star Jessica Murphy who was named Brine California Collegiate Athletic Association Women's Soccer Player of the Week after the freshman scored three goals in two games this past weekend - 60 percent of the team's output, mind you - in two CSUDH wins. Also: UCLA junior midfielder Michael Stephens was named the Pac-10 Men's Soccer Player of the Week after scoring the game-winning goal in overtime as UCLA upset sixth-ranked California, 3-2, on the road.

*Southern Californians named to the U.S. Women's Under-17 national team that will participate in the 2008 FIFA Under-17 Women's World Cup Oct. 28-Nov. 16 in New Zealand are: forward Samantha Johnson (Palmdale) and midfielder Elizabeth Eddy (Costa Mesa).

*Finally, no late night soccer report would be complete without the Soccer Collies (I think). They will perform Sunday at half time of the noon Chivas USA-Colorado Rapids game. From the Chivas USA press release:

The two collies, Ms. Z and BEK, each have unique soccer skills; Ms. Z can catch the ball between her paws, and BEK charges up the field while dribbling the ball with his nose. The dogs will also be available before the game in ChivaTown for photos and to play with fans.

Well, OK. To me they look like two mutts you see in any park playing with a ball. My wife thinks otherwise. Invest a minute of your life and you decide:

Was this.

Make sure you read the comments on the story.

I'm told one of the criminals was a retired Daily Breeze copy editor (who I used to play pick-up soccer with). Nail him I say.

Manhattan Beach motto: "We're only slightly less uptight than Palos Verdes Estates."

GOLTV will air this (apparently) updated comedy "documentary" stariing former Python John Cleese at 5 p.m. Wednesday that's a couple of years old, but now includes references to Euro 2008.

From the GOLTV press release:

The documentary begins with a look at the frenzy behind the 2008 UEFA Euro in Austria and Switzerland, offering an unconventional, amusing take on the game of soccer, which attracts more viewers than the Olympics and more money than Hollywood. Cleese then presents his "alphabet of soccer" from A to Z through comedic sketches and in-depth, documentary-style vignettes.

The Art of Football also features one-on-one interviews with Cleese and superstar players like Pelé, Michel Platini, Thierry Henry and Franz Beckenbauer. In addition, Cleese will talk to famous artists, musicians and politicians to capture their thoughts on the world's most popular sport.

TiVo worthy? You decide:

After the realities of the last week - politicians seeking to bail out their banking buddies or (even worse) the Galaxy doing an excellent impression of a PDL team (no disrespect intended to that league) - I figured those of us with brains shaped like this (thanks to reader KLF for the link) could do with a laugh.

So check out these (mostly) true and (mostly) funny soccer-related items and have a good weekend:
*The Church of England is targeting soccer sinners.

*If you're heading to Vegas this weekend you might want head for the Riviera Casino and check out this huge freaking foosball tourny.

*Now this is taking youth soccer a little too far.

*This next one is not strictly soccer related, but could proove useful to those LA Riot Squad members who have been known to enjoy a beer (or four). The best part: it's a public service announcement by England's National Health Service (can anyone see our laugh a minute federal government doing this?). (Thanks to Joseph for the link).

*Finally, this one proves that the new Women's Professional Soccer league has not one shred of self-awareness.

Just like D.C. United, the WPA will be fussy how the media uses its acronym:

Please first reference the league in print or broadcast coverage using the full name of Women's Professional Soccer. Please do not abbreviate the league¹s name to Women's Pro Soccer, or qualify it as the Women's Professional Soccer, the WPS, Women's Professional Soccer league, WPS league, the Women's Professional Soccer league, or the WPS league.

Fair enough. But as observant reader Llew pointed here's the e-mail address the league will be using just in case anyone needs clarification: (leaguedepartment)@womensprosoccer.com.

Doh!

Apparently this parody was first done earlier this year just before the Super Bowl.

But this version will resonate more with long-suffering Galaxy fans.

Check it out before the video Gods take it away. (Caution: lots of naughty words).

I wasn't kidding about the witchcraft.

Depressing way to start the week (sorry about that), but somehow in tune with the catastrophes, accidents and Wall Street mayhem afflicting us of late.

As expected, not a great deal happened on MLS trade deadline day, but don't tell that to former Galaxy midfielder Sacha Victorine; the now former Kansas City Wizards player and Southern California native is back in L.A. - with Chivas USA - which also signed largely unknown Brazilian attacking midfielder Dejair (pronounced 'dey-zha-IR'), as an international player.

"As we enter the last six weeks of the season, we are pleased to be adding some additional depth to our midfield in the face of injury and international call-ups," said Chivas USA Head Coach Preki Radosavljevic. "We hope both Sasha and Dejair will make important contributions to Chivas USA as we continue our push toward the playoffs."

Translation: We are desperate.

Victorine will be in L.A. Tuesday and be available for Saturday's game in Salt Lake City; Dejair awaits his visa.

In related transactions today, Chivas USA placed midfielder Raphaël Wicky and defenders Lawson Vaughn and Eric Ebert on the season-ending injury list.

Swiss international defender Wicky, 31, was a major disappointment after signing in the off-season from FC Sion. He started just one game before undergoing reconstructive ankle surgery in July.

Vaughn, 25, managed seven games. He's slated for left ankle surgery.

Ebert, 24, also started two games this season before suffering a lateral meniscus tear in his right knee during Chivas USA 's Sept. 6 game in Toronto.

From the (edited) Chivas USA press release on the trade:

Former Bruin Sacha Victorine, a nine-year MLS veteran, Victorine was drafted in 2000 by the Galaxy as a first-round pick. Victorine has played in 227 MLS regular-season games (starting 205). He has four U.S. caps

A product of the Botafogo youth system, attacking midfielder Dejair joins Chivas USA from Brazilian club ABC FC of Natal, which won the 2008 Rio Grande do Norte state championship. The 12-year veteran has played in Brazilian Serie B and C football with Criciúma and won state championships with club sides Moto Clube and ABC FC.

Meanwhile, the as yet unnamed L.A. entry in Women's Professional Soccer will participate in Tuesday's draft of national team players - without a coach being officially named. L.A. will receive three players.

The U.S. women beat Ireland Sunday, BTW, 2-0 in the first of three post-Olympic victories games against the nation.

Sunday college scores:
No. 3 USC 6 Clemson 2 (USC 16 goals in last three games).
UCLA women 0 (5-0-1) Brown 0
Cal State Northridge women 2 Saint Mary's 1 (CSUN moves to 5-1)
UW-Milwaukee 2 Cal State Northridge men 1
Loyola Marymount women 0 (3-2-2) Utah 0
Pepperdine 1 (3-3-1) Washington State 0
Long Beach State 3 (4-1-2) Oregon 3 (double overtime)
No. 7 Cal State Dominguez Hills men (7-0) 4 San Francisco State 1

Lastly, the group stage of the UEFA and CONCACAF Champions League starts Tuesday. More on that in Tuesday's column.

My vacation is ending. I'm not laughing

Maybe these will help.

This one is weird, - but true.

The main character of the Get Fuzzy comic strip is a rugby fan - it shows.

And the following were e-mailed to me a couple of months back and I've been looking for an excuse to blog them ever since:

After a visit to the doctor, the local team's striker dropped in to his local pub for a quick one. "What's up mate?" asked his friend Brian, "you look worried."
"I am," Alan replied. "I've just been to the doctor and he told me I can't play football."
"Oh, really?" said Brian. "He's seen you play too then, has he?"

An American visitor to England watched his very first football match in the middle of winter and was struck by the differences between English and American football.
After the match he struck up a conversation with one of the English players and said, "You know, over in the States, our players wear thick protective clothing. You guys must be frozen stiff in those light clothes."
"It's not so bad," said the Englishman. "Sometimes the ground is covered in snow."
"Wow!' exclaimed the American. "What do you do about the balls? Paint them red?"
"Oh, no," said the player. "We just wear an extra pair of underwear."

The top scorer of a Premier League team was tragically killed in a car accident. Seeing an opportunity for glory, the reserve striker went to see the manager.
"How about me taking his place?" he asked.
"Well, I'm not sure about that," said the manager, "we'll have to speak to the undertaker first."

The Devil was constantly challenging St. Peter to a game of soccer, but St. Peter refused, until one day while walking around heaven he discovered that quite a number of international footballers had entered the "pearly gates".
"I think I'll arrange to play that soccer game," said St. Peter to the Devil. "We have a great number of international soccer stars in heaven at the moment from which to select a winning team."
"You'll lose, you'll lose!" taunted the Devil.
"What makes you so sure we'll lose?" enquired St Peter.
"Because," laughed the Devil, we have all the referees down here."

A woman in Van Nuys was reading the Daily News one morning and said to her husband - "Look at this, dear. There's an article here about a man who traded his wife for a Galaxy season ticket. You wouldn't do a thing like that, - would you?"
"Of course I wouldn't!' replied her husband. "The season's almost over!"

Quotable:

"Soccer is a game in which a handful of fit people run around for one and a half hours watched by millions of others who could really use the exercise." - Anonymous.

I couldn't resist these items collected in the last week or so. All strange. All true.

For instance, you'll be relieved to know South Africa's tourism authorities are looking out for the fans when they indicated earlier this week they wanted to legalize prostitution during the 2010 World Cup.

In truth, the next item is more sad than funny, but it still falls under the category: "And you thought MLS refs were bad."

Finally, here's a story brave enough to ask the question: What do you do when a moose interrupts a soccer game?

Be careful out there this weekend.

Sounds like the New England Revolution had a strange flight to Southern California today for Sunday's SuperLiga game against Chivas USA:

OKLAHOMA CITY (AP) -- An American Airlines flight from Boston to Los Angeles was diverted to Oklahoma City on Friday after a passenger stripped, put his clothes back on and then tried to open an emergency exit door before being subdued by members of a pro soccer team and others, the FBI said.

American Flight 725, a Boeing 757 with 151 passengers and seven crew on board, arrived in Oklahoma City at 1:35 p.m. CDT and was back in the air an hour later on the way to Los Angeles, said Tim Smith, a spokesman for American Airlines.

The passenger was removed from the plane in Oklahoma City and was undergoing a psychiatric evaluation, FBI spokesman Gary Johnson said.

Members of the New England Revolution of Major League Soccer were among those who grabbed the passenger near an exit door, Johnson said.

Tie wraps were placed on the man, whose name was not immediately released, he said.

Stacey James, a spokesman for the New England Patriots, which shares a common owner with the Revolution, said three Revolution staff members helped restrain the unruly passenger: former U.S. international Mike Burns, vice president of player personnel; assistant coach Gwynne Williams; and general manager Craig Tornberg.

According to Johnson, the passenger emerged from a bathroom without his clothes on.

"He was asked to go back to the bathroom to put his clothes on and he did and went back to his seat and then allegedly attempted to open an aircraft emergency exit door," Johnson said.

"Members of the Major League Soccer team, the New England Revolution, were on the flight. They were able to subdue him," he said.

The New England Revolution plays Chivas USA at Cal State Fullerton on Sunday.

Another soccer-filled weekend is on tap, so let's get to it.

*The Galaxy are out of town in New York where Claudio Reyna retired this week and the Red Bulls signed two South American midfielders who could make their debuts Saturday.

The game airs live at 3:30 p.m. on Fox Soccer Channel and a crowd of more than 45,000 is expected to turn out largely to see David Beckham who continues to prove why he's nicknamed Golden Balls.

Need a reminder why so many people want to see the game? Check out the highlights from last year.

*Meanwhile, they're expecting a similarly large boost in attendance in Kansas City on Sept. 13 when Becks and the Galaxy visit so the Wizards announced Thursday they are moving the game from the 10,000-capacity CommunityAmerica Ballpark to vast Arrowhead Stadium.

*Chivas USA are at home at 5 p.m. Sunday playing at Cal State Fullerton's Titan Stadium in the third and final SuperLiga game (live on Telefutura) where three teams in Group B could finish tied with six points by the end of the weekend.

How complicated is the picture for qualification for the next round? Here it is broken down from a New England perspective courtesy of the Revolution, but it also tells you what Chivas USA need to do:

A win or a draw on Sunday would assure the Revolution first place in the group, while a Pachuca loss to Santos Laguna in the group's other game would also secure New England's passage to the next round. Even if the Revs lose to Chivas USA and Pachuca defeats Santos, the possibility still exists that the Revolution could advance to the competition's final four, because in that case, New England, Chivas USA and Pachuca would all be tied atop the group with six points. If that happens, the group would be decided on goal difference, and the Revs (+2) currently have a better goal difference than both Chivas USA (0) and Pachuca (0).

*Meanwhile, Chivas USA defender/midfielder/forward Jonathan Bornstein of Los Alamitos was named as a replacement for Olympics-bound players in the MLS All-Star Game even though he's missed plenty of games this season and has not quite found the form he did last year (yet).

Plenty of other players are more deserving of course, such as D.C. United's Luciano Emilio (third in the league in scoring) or the Crew's Guillermo Barros Schelotto (the MLS assist-leader who had another two plus a goal Thursday in Columbus' 3-3 draw with Kansas City). Yet another reason to question the game's credibility.

*Also, Chivas USA has had Amber Hernandez, a 15-year-old member of the South Valley Chivas Academy in Porterville called up to the Mexican Under-17 National Team for the CONCACAF U-17 Women's Championship that began Thursday in Trinidad & Tobago.

*In other youth soccer news, the Los Angeles FC Under-18 boys team (led by U-17/18 Coach of the Year Rafa Moran) plays for the U.S. Development Academy championship at Home Depot Center live at 8 on ESPN2 tonight. Full details here.

*Over in the PDL, the San Fernando Valley Earthquakes are still in with a chance of making the playoffs after defeating the Ventura County Fusion Thursday.

The Quakes need a win Sunday against the Fresno Fuego in a 7:05 p.m. game at Calabasas High to make the playoffs.

Here's why from the Quakes Web site:

The Fuego overwhelmed the Southern California Seahorses 5-2 Thursday to move into first place on 29 points; the San Francisco Seals, in second place, take on Bakersfield Brigade today, and will move to the top of the league on 30 points if they win. The Quakes now lie third, on 27 points, with Fusion in fourth, their playoff hopes virtually over.

*In the W-League tonight it's Pali Blues at Los Angeles Legends in a 6 p.m. game at Esperanza High.

*U.S. striker Abby Wambach had surgery Thursday on
her broken leg.

*Finally, at least one Mexican club apparently does not know what the new national team coach looks like (exactly).

And if you liked that, then return later today for some Friday Football Funnies, true and strange soccer stories from around the world in the last week or so.

Enjoy your weekend.

Here are the essentials for tonight's Chivas USA-New York Red Bulls game at Home Depot Center:

*NYRB are without Claudio Reyna, Juan Pablo Angel (both injured) and, of course, one Senor Altidore (sunning himself in Spain).

*Fear not. Chivas USA has Justin Braun.

*The Red Bulls are playing their fifth game in 15 days tonight, which could help Chivas USA avoid losing twice to New York in one season.

*Oh, and Mickey Mouse will perform the coin toss before the game.

Want more? Here's a longer preview.

And while we're at it here's a Galaxy-D.C. United preview (it's a nice try at a different sort of advance, but turns out to be a bit of a stretch since United's Marcelo Gallardo decided not to play ball). This may be the only preview posted here since the game kicks off on ABC at 9 a.m. and it's highly unlikely I will crawl out of bed early on a Sunday morning to actually blog. And don't forget the Euro 2008 final between Spain and Germany follows immediately after on the same channel.

Friday scores:
Fort Collins Force 4 Ventura County Fusion 1 (W-League).
San Jose Frogs 3 Los Angeles Legends 3 (PDL).

Finally (and for no other reason than I could do with a laugh this morning) take five seconds out of your day and watch this contender (that appears to be from a league game in Russia) for the worst penalty kick ever.

Back this evening with more from the Chivas USA game.

More on the unusual classified ad at the bottom of the post.

But first, a couple of other odds and ends.

Columbus Crew Coach Sigi Schmid, one of the South Bay's favorite soccer sons, talks about the long-distance relationship he has with his wife while he labors in Ohio.

The influence of Cal State Long Beach women's soccer Coach Mauricio Ingrassia, a native of Argentina, on the program is recounted here.

Finally, here's an ad you don't see everyday, culled from Craigslist and reprinted here exactly as it appears there:

Reply to: pris1224@hotmail.com Date: 2008-06-26, 5:09PM PDT

Our company are currently looking for Mandarin orCantonese speaking candidate to broadcast live soccergame at the following location:

CARSON, CALIFORNIA

If you know any friend that are located in thefollowing location, please have them contact me ASAP.It is a part-time position and flexible time. If youare looking for some extra income in a flexibleschedule, this is a very good opportunity. Pleasecontact me ASAP. $150 per game for 2 hours.

Almost worth learning Mandarin at that price.

Thought that headline would get your attention.

But before we get to that revelation, a second female U.S. soccer player has gone down with a serious injury and will miss the Olympics. Find out who here.

OK, onwards with the trivial journalism of the day including this "report" from Forbes Magazine, (whose major contributions to journalism these days seems to consist of pumping out lists) which names David Beckham as the world's fifth most powerful celebrity.

The only other soccer player on the list is Ronaldinho at No. 38, for those who can't be bothered to sift through the entire list.

And here, as promised, is Beckham's take on English cuisine from The Jimmy Kimmel Show earlier this week. (Warning: complete time waster). And thanks Becks, for perpetuating the myths about weird English cuisine.

Finally, this is trivial too, but at least it's for a good cause: if you're in Carson or close by this afternoon a team of Galaxy players will take on a team of Avengers (that's an arena football team for the pigskin impaired) players in a race around a local supermarket grabbing food for a local food bank.

More here from the (edited) Galaxy press release:

"Dash for the Hungry" - a race where players from the LA Galaxy and the Los Angeles Avengers "dash" around Albertsons pushing grocery carts and collecting food to feed the hungry will be held at 3 p.m. today at a store at 200 E. Sepulveda Blvd. (at the intersection of Main Street) in Carson. With only five minutes on the clock, the goal is to collect as much product as possible and raise plenty of money to benefit families and residents who rely on the Los Angeles Regional Foodbank for assistance.

Galaxy players set to race: forward Edson Buddle, goalkeeper Steve Cronin, forward Alan Gordon and defender Julian Valentin.