Lucas to fans: “Just say no.”

America – and the rest of the world – owes a tremendous debt of gratitude to George Lucas. The man who created the Star Wars movies is now doing his utmost to cure fans of their excessive devotion to the series.

Since releasing Star Wars in 1977, Lucas has earned countless billions (I could probably look up the number, but don’t feel like it right now) from the series. Movie tickets. Toys. T-shirts. Toys. Home video. Toys that are slightly different than the last series of toys. Star Wars has been cocaine for nerds, and George Lucas has been its Tony Montana.

But what if Tony Montana developed a conscience? What if he survived rival drug lord Alejandro Sosa’s assault – and that instead of being the basis for a video game I never had any inclination to play – his hypothetical survival became the basis for a new life? A new life devoted to freeing Miami’s cocaine addicts from their crippling chemical dependency.

Thus, the only explanation for Lucas’ decision to make the following change (confirmed in the New York Times) to Return of the Jedi is that series’ own creator has decided people like Star Wars movies too much and need to find something new to do with their lives.

Lucas must have been trying to lose fans for years. But despite his best
efforts, Star Wars fanatics who found themselves hooked on a film franchise with such addictive properties as an imaginative universe, likeable
characters and the idea that good could indeed triumph over evil
resisted a repentant Lucas’ efforts to wean them from his creation.

Star Wars fans stayed loyal in 1997, when Lucas replaced this catchy number in the original Return of the Jedi with the inexplicable “Jedi Rocks
for the film’s special edition. When “The Phantom Menace” came out in 1999 we (I mean “they”) could not give up their habit even after the combined
efforts of Jar Jar Binks and a climax in which a child flies a starfighter
in battle, because it’s normal for wise Jedi warriors to bring children
to war zones. (I know of no nation’s Air Force which allows kids to fly
combat missions before they are old enough for high school, but
spinning can indeed be a good trick.)

For crying out loud, we (I mean, “they,” again) continued to count
ourselves as Star Wars fans when Lucas and company tried to scare us
away with a love story in which a young man expresses his affections by favorably comparing his beloved to sand.

Star Wars fans, to be fair, realized that Attack of the Clones wasn’t
the best product, but held out hope that Revenge of the Sith would be
better. It was, but it wasn’t the same as the initial excitement of the first trilogy, and gave us this:

Thank you George Lucas, for your nationwide nerd intervention. It’s time for thousands of people to rediscover sunlight.