Apple announces iPhone 4s instead of iPhone 5; humanity somehow continues to exist

Apple today announced the iPhone 4s, an upgrade to its popular iPhone 4 that is not the iPhone 5.

Many had expected the iPhone 5, a technological marvel that would have raised its owners’ children, prepared five-star cuisine and paved the way for comprehensive peace settlements across the globe.

Instead, Apple announced a new phone that is reportedly an upgrade from a previously released product. It also has a voice-recognition feature called Siri.

Here’s the real story from the San Jose Mercury News:

In a closely watched but ultimately anticlimactic product launch, Apple (AAPL) on Tuesday unveiled its latest iPhone, with a low-key Tim Cook emceeing his first event since iconic CEO Steve Jobs resigned in August.

Disappointed fans jumped all
over Apple for releasing merely an upgrade to the iPhone 4, dubbed
iPhone 4S, instead of the widely expected iPhone 5. But analysts
reminded them that many cool features — faster operating system,
slicker camera and video — were hiding under the hood.

“The improvements in software and
the new camera, for example, are impressive,” said analyst Roger Kay
with Endpoint Technologies Associates. “But if you don’t have a new look
on the outside, people tend not to get as excited.”

Cook seemed comfortable on
stage but was working a room clearly missing the energy Jobs used to
infuse into these events. The real star of the show was Siri, the new
voice-recognition feature billed as the user’s “personal assistant,” a
female voice that soon will be helping millions of Apple fans answer
e-mails, make dinner reservations and remember to pick up the dry
cleaning, all without a single key stroke.

As of this writing, the world has not fallen apart.