Lucas to fans: “Just say no.”

America – and the rest of the world – owes a tremendous debt of gratitude to George Lucas. The man who created the Star Wars movies is now doing his utmost to cure fans of their excessive devotion to the series.

Since releasing Star Wars in 1977, Lucas has earned countless billions (I could probably look up the number, but don’t feel like it right now) from the series. Movie tickets. Toys. T-shirts. Toys. Home video. Toys that are slightly different than the last series of toys. Star Wars has been cocaine for nerds, and George Lucas has been its Tony Montana.

But what if Tony Montana developed a conscience? What if he survived rival drug lord Alejandro Sosa’s assault – and that instead of being the basis for a video game I never had any inclination to play – his hypothetical survival became the basis for a new life? A new life devoted to freeing Miami’s cocaine addicts from their crippling chemical dependency.

Thus, the only explanation for Lucas’ decision to make the following change (confirmed in the New York Times) to Return of the Jedi is that series’ own creator has decided people like Star Wars movies too much and need to find something new to do with their lives.


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