It’s Carl Sandberg versus “Beverly Hills, 90210″ for intellectual entertainment.
White Castle against Tommy’s and In-n-Out as the fast-food burger delicacy.
The Sears Tower next to Randy’s Donuts as an architectural marvel.
Al Capone face-to-face with Snoop Dogg in the gansta superstar world.
Before Greg Maddox gets confused as which to dugout he’s supposed to go for Game 1 on Wednesday, here’s our tale of the tape, L.A. vs. Chicago and Dodgers vs. Cubs:
Chicago: A legend.
L.A.: A resident.
Edge: L.A. Last week, the 77-year-old “Mr. Cub” and his 52-year-old wife Liz made some news by announcing they had adopted a baby girl. It’s your serve, Angela Jolie.
Things they dread:
Chicago: Billy goat sightings
L.A.: Manny Ramirez’ hair
Edge: L.A. There’s no dignity in seeing a Cubs fan pulling out his hair over this any longer. Let the goat in this time, and your problems are solved. Maybe.
Chicago: A mice-infested hedge along the perimeter of Wrigley Field where outfielders and doubles disappear.
L.A.: An ego-infesting dining establishment on Robertson Blvd., where celebrities go to be sighted.
Edge: Chicago. No one should have to watch Nikki Hilton nibble on $50 carne asada tacos for lunch.
Edge: Push. Try some unagi, spicy tuna, cucumber and a little wasabi on a deep-dish pizza before you knock it. They probably have it on the list of specials at the Ivy right now.
Chicago: Harry Caray
L.A.: Vin Scully
Edge: L.A.: They may have a statue for Caray outside Wrigley, but Scully never showed up to work drunk, nor did he spawn poor broadcasting knockoffs.
Chicago: Persona non grata
L.A.: Personal guest of the McCourts
Edge: L.A. Watch for him during Games 3 and 4 at Dodger Stadium in the baseline box seats along the third-base line. Or, an out-of-work actor dressed as him.
Chicago: Cheap seats
L.A.: All-You-Can-Eat expensive seats
Edge: Chicago. For obvious health reasons. Just buy one braut and be happy with it.
Chicago: Lou Pinella
L.A.: Joe Torre
Edge: L.A. Pinella is far more likely to get tossed from a game for arguing with an umpire. (By the way, did you know Pinella made his major-league debut as a player in Dodger Stadium? He was a 20-year-old September callup with the Baltimore Orioles, getting an at-bat against the Los Angeles Angels in 1964.)
Chicago: Billionaire Sam Zell, and his troubled Tribune Company empire.
L.A.: Millionaire Frank McCourt, and his Boston-based parking lot income.
Edge: Chicago. Zell said he plans to sell off the team (as well as the park) by the end of this year, and Mark Cuban is on the short list. Would Cuban also be interested in buying a certain downtown newspaper?
Chicago: A newspaper.
L.A.: 355 days a year.
Edge: L.A. Again, ask Zell about the paper business.
Famous fire drills:
Chicago: 1871: Mrs. O’Leary’s cow kicks over a lantern, starts the Great Chicago Fire.
L.A.: 1974: O.J. Simpson appears in “Towering Inferno,” about a downtown L.A. high-rise blaze.
Edge: Push. Did you know both are works of fiction?
Chicago: A beer.
L.A.: Longboard surfing
Edge: Push. Do both in either place (yes, there are waves on Lake Michigan).
Edge: Push. Wait, don’t push. Or shove. It’s not nice. And give the cap back. Please?
L.A.: Santa Monica solar-powered wheel.
Edge: Chicago. Sausage king Abe Frohman could talk his way into a table at the Ivy. (And did you know: The Ferris Wheel first appeared in Chicago for the 1893 World Exhibition, an answer to Paris’ Eiffel Tower that was built for the previous World Exhibition. This wheel was a mere 25 stories tall, and could accommodate over 2,000 people at time. Read the book, “The Devil in the White City.”)
New Japanese imports:
Chicago: Kosuke Fukudome (10 HR, 57 RBI, .257, 12 SB) held his own in the outfield.
L.A.: Hiroki Kuroda (9-10, 3.73, 116 Ks) nearly threw a no-hitter.
Edge: L.A. Fukudome is 0-for-7 this season against Kuroda, who registered a complete-game shutout against the Cubs in June. He starts Game 3 at Dodger Stadium.
Last World Series victory:
Chicago: 1908. The Tinker-to-Evers-to-Chance Cubbies help Mordecai “Three Fingers” Brown win two in the best-of-five series triumph over Detroit, before Wrigley Field even game into existence (1923).
L.A.: 1988. Kirk Gibson’s famous pinch-hit homer propels Orel Hershiser to win two in the five-game series over Oakland.
Edge: Chicago. A 100-year drought tops a 20-year dry spell, although for both cities, it probably feels like more than a century of disappointment.
The “other team in town”:
Chicago: The White Sox, won the 2007 World Series.
L.A.: The Angels, won the 2002 World Series.
Edge: L.A. Although technically not in the same city, the Angels, who piled up 100 victories this season, locked themselves into the ’08 post season seemingly in July. The White Sox may are still trying to beg their way in.
Chicago: A time to sing
L.A.: A time to leave
Edge: Chicago. Except when Ozzy Osborne is behind the mike.
Chicago: Second City; Windy City; My Kind of Town; That Toddlin’ Town; The Big Onion; City of Broad Shoulders
L.A.: Aside from City of Angels … City of Broads with Big Fake Onions?
Edge: Chicago. Although, that “Second City” moniker really makes no sense, since L.A. is the second-largest city in the U.S. Especially since Ernie Banks moved here.
How it all adds up:
Edge: Chicago, three games to one.
Oprah has pre-determined it. And Barack Obama endorses it.