Less than a week to find a sports-related Halloween costume.
No, don’t think. React.
Scan the newspaper. Zip through the Internet.
Ask someone scary at the local supermarket who’s buying up all the mini-Hershey bars he’s just going to eat himself.
Key is finding a newsworthy subject to dress up and play nice. Pulling it off is the other half of the equation.
Our top 10 suggestions for next weekend’s party attire that don’t squeezing into a tight sweater, grabbing a submarine sandwich and pretending to be Erin Andrews:
Think Mr. T with an even bigger attitude. Have another friend dress up as some scrawny guy with pink hair, pin you into a corner of the room and beat you to a pulp within 14 seconds. Then get up and exclaim: “It’s all good.”
Sport a Cowboys No. 21 jersey, carry a bottle of (favorite adult beverage) and have a pile of disposable money to “make it rain” every now and then. A retro “Pac-Man” logo on the shoulder pads would be nice touch. So would a scuffle in the bathroom with a pal playing the part of a bodyguard to add more authenticity.
Find a shirt from the Foot Locker. Wear fake, pumped-up biceps. Blow inadvertent whistles all night long.
Back to the No. 12 Patriots jersey, a pair of crutches, a baby doll under one arm, a hot model on the other side. And a bunch of fantasy football owners crying nearby.
The more you don’t have a washboard stomach, the better the spoof. Especially with the required Speedo. Hang a few gold medals around the neck. Bring a big goofy smile. With big goofy goggles. A large fin on your back. And flippers on your feet.
Does this ever get old? Same old rubber mask from ’94 that’s been in the closet for awhile (or still selling on eBay.com). This time, put the new spin on it by carrying a plastic gun, carrying an arm full of sports memorabilia and having a bad attorney in tow.
Anything from a Will Ferrell movie
Costume stores actually still carry his Chazz Michaels Michaels frilly figure skating outfit from “Blades of Glory.” Some also have his Flint Tropics basketball ensemble from “Semi Pro.” No doubt, there’s a full-on NASCAR jumpsuit with the Wonder bread logo as Ricky Bobby from “Talladega Nights.” It’s quick, simple, kinda lame, and good for dropping suggestive pick-up lines passed off as bad jokes.
The Dodger Stadium-purchased do-rag-and-dred wig can be repurposed. A No. 99 jersey. Multi-colored mouthpiece. Spout anti-Red Sox phrases. Even more frightening – a friend hangs out with you dolled up as Scott Boras, with fake money coming out of ever part of his shirt and pants pockets.
Not the prim-and-proper Tina Fey version. The hockey mom, dropping the puck before an NHL game, tripping up the home-team’s goalie on the carpet. Sporting a shotgun and sporadically firing it into the air. With a dead moose hanging over your shoulder. And arrive on a snowmobile. Maybe holding a copy of the DVD “Mystery, Alaska.” For sure.
The Oakland Raiders crypt keeper. If you need this explained, you’ve missed the point. And that’s most frightening.