Our Daily Dread: It’s April Fool’s Amateur Hour … run and hide and don’t come out until tomorrow

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It happens every spring. No foolin’.

Some self-proclaimed office comedian will find your ID badge and put it in a bowl of Jell-0. Thus, ruining the electronic strip on it in the process. It wasn’t thought out very well.

Or he’ll put your wallet in the vending machine, making you fish for quarters to retrieve it. Only to see it get stuck against the glass, and you need your credit card to have lunch or else you’re screwed. Bang on the glass, and you get a reprimand from the janitor.

Those with more clever abilities may be able to jack up the speakers on your computer and set your home page to a porn site. The moaning coming from your cubicle will be from you — as well as those two dudes on the screen that you’ll actually stare at for a couple of minutes to make sure you don’t have homophobic tendencies that could get you a reprimand from HR. Then there’ll be the Benny Hill song, and everyone will crack up because you got punk’d.

The guy in your office is the same the guy who watches “The Office” just to see what kind of junk Jim pulls off on Dwight, then tries to replicate it, usually screwing it up so that it’s as if Michael was trying to pull the prank. It’s a recipe for disaster.

Maybe there’ll be some sports-talk show guy who’ll do a story today — someone will invariably do it — that proclaims:

== Manny Ramirez tore a muscle in his neck in Arizona and may be out two months. He did it slipping in the shower when he went to shake the water out of his dreadlocks. There’ll be a team doctor who comes on the show to give the prognosis, and sends everyone driving off the road in a “War of the Worlds” kind of panic.

== John Calipari has changed his mind and will not become the new coach at Kentucky. He’s called a press conference to announce he’s staying at Memphis, and has bought a stake in the Grand Ole Opry where he wants to start a singing career when his coaching days end.

== Jay Cutler has dropped his trade demand and will become the Denver Broncos’ new starting tight end.

== Kobe Bryant has left the team, will not play tonight in Milwaukee, and has return to L.A. to kick the crap out of Andrew Bynum. It seems the day before he was carrying Playboy playmates on his shoulder, Bynum was hula-hooping on a golf course with them (that part is true: go to this link):

It’s more than just the stuff you can find on SportsPickle.com (linked here). Or the Brushback (linked here). Or, yes, our favorite, Onion Sports (linked here). But usually, they’ll spin it much better, far more clever, and much more believeable.

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Hey, did you see that SI story on San Diego State pitcher Stephen Strasburg (linked here). It’s now been revealed: That was an early April Fool’s joke. The kid’s real name is Sidd Finch (linked here) and Scott Boras was in on the joke.

The Dodgers actually take this day seriously enough to include this blurb in their media notes today:

According to www.infoplease.com, the origin of April Fools’ Day, sometimes called All Fools’ Day, is uncertain. Some see it as a celebration related to the turn of the seasons, while others believe it stems from the adoption of a new calendar. April Fools’ Day possibly began around 1582 in France with the reform of the calendar under Charles IX. The Gregorian Calendar was introduced, and New Year’s Day was moved from March 25 – April 1 (new year’s week) to January 1.

Now we’re just more confused.

The bottom line today: Do whatever is necessary to avoid the office comic, just as you would avoid those who pretend to be Irish on St. Patrick’s Day.

Or, even better, align yourself with someone in HR ahead of time to pounce on this guy as soon as he does something — turn it around on him. Have the HR person tell the jokester he has to clean out his desk, turn in all his binders and sign a few official looking sheets that bind him legally to not divulge any information he has on the company. Play it out as far as possible.

Until a phone call comes in that says, wait, we may not be able to fire you for this offense. You have to report to our satellite office at this address and discuss the matter with one of our vice presidents. But just know, she’s a female and she has a nasty streak. Be prepared for whips and chains.

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The address: An adult store on Ventura Blvd. Pick one out. Send him there. See what happens.

Hardy, har and one more har.

That’ll learn him. Maybe. Or give him more ammo.

Yup, it’s all fun and games until someone pokes himself in the black eye.

Stick it out. The day will end soon. In this economy, we can’t afford to have anyone to take themselves too seriously.

What’s the worst April Fool’s prank that’s ever taken place in your office space? Comment here or at thomas.hoffarth@dailynews.com. Do it anonymously.

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  • Real Baseball Intelligence

    Real Baseball Intelligence (RBI), a leading resource in the evaluation of amateur baseball talent and draft coverage, has ranked Stephen Strasburg the #1 prospect for the 2009 MLB Draft. View his free scouting report (with video) at withthefirstpick.net/stephen-strasburg